tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90429564156019699672024-02-07T23:55:05.442-06:00Diary of a Mad Art Teacher... and photographer...and gardener.... and mom... and artist... and weightlifter... and... GRANDMA!!debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.comBlogger888125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-64497953610064106092022-09-17T13:05:00.008-05:002022-09-17T13:05:58.630-05:00Good Lord, why hasn't it frosted yet??<p> <span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Alrightie, it appears that</span> even though I think I will write more here, I dont. I will say a good deal of that has to do with the fact that I have been doing quite a lot of drawing. Something I thought I would do a lot of when I retired, but Covid really mucked everything up. My brain was in no position to be drawing much, or definitely not for a sustained period. I literally couldn't make that commitment. And you think about things a lot when you draw.... and it was too uncomfortable to bear.</p><p>I am to the point in the year, where I am begging Mother Nature to just freeze things off already. I am ready for my obligation to water things to be done. It is so nice the tomatoes did well here in the last few weeks, and for once the squash are actually ripening and I am just so over it. I have a long attention span, really, but I am done. I have a ton of flower photos and I haven't processed them yet, because again, I have only so much time in which I am HIGHLY creative and drawing has sucked it up. </p><p>This month the drawing is intense as the sketchbook group I belong to online has a #selfietember challenge and I have been doing those. If you follow me on my instagram (@debikayo) You will have seen some of those. It has been an interesting project for many reasons. I have to catch up now as I was away for a few days to Bayfield and I am behind. I didnt have time to draw there, we kept pretty busy. My sister and I (and her hubby Bill for a day and some change) met my brother up there and we spent Tuesday together. We had a great time. I gave them a tour of Madeline island, and then we had Bloody Marys on the deck of the Bayfield inn. and later ate at the Pier. Good times!</p><p>So I am about to embark on making a digital childhood selfie, so I should stop distracting myself by ordering garlic from Jungs to plant in a few weeks, load the dishwasher, change the laundry and other ways I am trying to avoid my thought process. Its exhausting. I need some clarity in parts of my life, and it isnt ready to happen yet so the muddled think throughs are happening. </p><p>Oh and btw, my Seester and I are going on a big old vaca in 10 days.... so if you are an instagram person- I prefer that in a big way to Facebook- you might catch some photos on there... especially the story section. I would like to put some discussion about that on here, but we know how that can go. I know I feel so much less anxious when I travel, so I am looking forward to a big chunk of time that wont involve me dissecting every word I have said for the last 10 days - 10 years.... lol. I am sure most of you know what I mean.</p><p>Anyway, ROCK ON my friends. Have a great weekend.</p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-69458441295391545132022-07-13T12:01:00.003-05:002022-07-13T12:01:54.591-05:00Do I really have to?<p><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large;"> It has been an interesting time</span> here in the land of Oswald, what with odd gurglings and late in the weekend, backups and goo in the kitchen sink and bathtub. Just because why the hell not. Without going into gory, gooey detail, I am fortunate enough to have a plumber (and actually an electrician) who I rarely bother but can text if something arises. And they come fairly swiftly, which makes me their biggest fan. Ever. Anyway, I was waiting for my wonderful plumber and son this morning, with nothing on my radar except being able to use my sink, bathtub and extraordinarily important dishwasher again. In less than an hour an old pipe was replaced and I was on my way to running the dishwasher full of a few days worth of dishes.</p><p>Sitting there in relief after they left, I was wondering what to do next. It is cool outside today, but very wet from the rain last night. I dont have to do anything really and it would just be a muddy, soggy mess to garden. So, what to do? Inside, I have plenty of options.</p><p>I was turning over some possibilities and had that old adage of "what would you do if today was your last day" float through my head and I was thinking about meaningful things to accomplish. I thought about what would be an important, satisfying thing to do. Something that was visible. I mean what if it was?? My last day?? Do you really want your people to look through your dresser and think what a messy, hoarder of art supplies and grandchildren art you are? </p><p>Well, seriously, no. However..... this seems a little like a western world sort of idea- if you aren't accomplishing something, are you even worthy? Do I really have to live my days like it could be my last?? Is that necessary? </p><p>I mean, there are people I would go see or call if that were true. Maybe a place to visit, or a book to read or a blog to post to. But cleaning out my dresser isn't one of them. Perhaps I am interpreting it the wrong way, but you know what I mean, I think. Because making my house and belongings look like I am not anything less that a superstar of cleanliness is not going to be on that particular agenda. So, I think I will just let the day unfold. </p><p>I get secretly stressed out when house issues arise, especially when I used all the tricks I have in my arsenal to fix that plumbing issue. It bothered me a lot. It probably calls back to the day when a plumber was not particularly easy to contact. I personally deal with most of the stuff like that that comes up, as my mother always told me to do it myself. "Men are usually not around when you need them anyway". lol. My mom was a hoot, and correct for the most part. Some men do not have those skill sets or they are at work and can't do more than message/call a professional anyway. Or try to make me the go-fer, which I am not a good one of those. Too defiant. So, I just do it myself. Now if I need a tree cut down or the lawn mowed, things shoveled, cabins built, a driveway "fixed" (iykyk*) or any number of other things, I got a guy here who is pretty good at that stuff. Oh and accounting too. He's really good at that. </p><p>So anyway, I think I am going to make a leisurely lunch and unload the now finished dishwasher and probably paint some beehives, because that color gives me joy. Not because of some stupid saying that has taken up space in my mind for who knows how long. Another false cultural idea to pitch out onto the burn pile. </p><p>Anyway, that is my thought for the day. I dont know where these things are coming from, but lately I am challenging a lot of things I used to "know" to be true. Its an interesting experience. I have ideas but that is another post some day. </p><p>Challenge your beliefs. A lot of them are just not serving you. Throw them on the burn pile. You got this.</p><p><span style="font-size: xx-small;">*if you know, you know</span></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-86256046395768554382022-07-11T09:32:00.001-05:002022-07-11T09:32:04.045-05:00BIRTHDAY MONTH<p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-large;"> AND.....</span></i></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-large;"> it's BIRTHDAY MONTH BABY!!!</span></i></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></i></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></i></b></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-1679915005341491092022-07-11T09:29:00.002-05:002022-07-11T09:29:46.876-05:00photos<p> One thing I know for sure is that I have definitely neglected my photography. If there is something I need to do to regain my sense of self, this is one of them. </p><p>I can see how this happened. Some practical/computer issues put a big damper on them. To make a sad sob story short, I had to get a new cordless mouse and while using it my fingers accidentally clicked or something and I unclicked a setting in my editing software, and I had no idea what I did. It took a while, and several videos and pleading text messages but several MONTHS later I have it now resolved.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIJwqqKV1IWkIci1TRzg37amsJYHQwcINK6jqREBepmQD4YvVt7JUVS4HxCYl1MVxGn-hgYrKh7OizyTWFchc1cp0m2ZGexvpSsQGYahJbMbIEJmeZBHI6ry6hOxgv_1q9X42osFIgOsJ3QyYDpbl5PuM0I9BcW7ACt0YZzk4YGXMnc9vHLOqhFkNg/s2637/IMG_5943.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1758" data-original-width="2637" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIJwqqKV1IWkIci1TRzg37amsJYHQwcINK6jqREBepmQD4YvVt7JUVS4HxCYl1MVxGn-hgYrKh7OizyTWFchc1cp0m2ZGexvpSsQGYahJbMbIEJmeZBHI6ry6hOxgv_1q9X42osFIgOsJ3QyYDpbl5PuM0I9BcW7ACt0YZzk4YGXMnc9vHLOqhFkNg/w400-h266/IMG_5943.jpg" title="Lake Superior" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Lake Superior near Duluth- I dont think this is going to be the final version of this photo.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I also had a creative block you could say, where I had a hard time with subject matter. Many reasons for this, but I think I have worked my way through that one. I have such freaking high expectations for myself. Its a problem. <p></p><p>I did some editing this weekend, but I had some house issues (dear god, the shit just never ends sometimes) and I was quite distracted. I am going to give it a go today again. At least it rained!</p><p>Basically I am getting in my own way- which has been known to happen. So, I am clearing my path and doing what I want. I have made plans for a few more getaways and one more yet in the planning stage. THESE are things that I need to do. </p><p>Onward! I have a new abandoned building on another camera from this one, and that will be this afternoons goal.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p><br /></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-64579815524887781692022-07-08T12:03:00.002-05:002022-07-08T12:03:17.172-05:00Lets try this again<p><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"> Hello again. Its been a while...</span></p><p>So I have a draft all full of angst and reasons and discussion and gnashing of teeth sitting in my queue and I just dont know if it is all necessary. That happens to me sometimes when I am working through shit. Which is what I am doing right now. There is likely going to be a few things with no actual context here, but its what I need to do right now.</p><p>To cut through all the verboseness that is me, I had an inconsequential, yet jarring thing happen to me right at the very start of my June getaway and it rattled me enough to ask myself a very difficult question. At the heart of it all is an acquired lack of confidence or hutzpah that I used to have. I've turned into a mass of goo in my inner core; instead of a crunchy, sweet, spicy center, I have angsty goo. Not a fan.</p><p>My brain blurted out who the hell even are you anymore. I see myself as a result of trying to make all the people "like me", and it isn't really working out well. A mixture of retiring and covid and personal choices and lack of structure has resulted in a lot of anxiety. I find it hard sometimes to imagine why or how I can be a value to anyone. Of course when I mention this to a close friend or two, they tell me how its not true, but I really have moments of doubt.</p><p>But if there is one thing I learned when I quit dieting and had some significant life coaching, it is that my thoughts are not always my truth. So I am on a quest to find truth. I have filled the days since the structure of my days that was my well loved job, was removed from my life (by my choice, mind you. And overall I do not regret it) with things to hopefully fulfill me. And a lot of it just rings hollow. I am doing things I think will be good for me, and mostly they just fill the time. </p><p>I have had several things present themselves to me over the last few days- Instagram posts, emails, ideas - that have rung true. Removing things and people who do not serve me, finding my joys and inspirations, value the people who are the most important, both near and far. I'm trying not to imagine what people think of me or what the future holds because I truly don't know. We shall see and time will tell. The things I worry about the most are usually not a problem, and much of it just doesnt matter.</p><p>I have no idea what isnt serving me yet, but I feel that is surfacing. I am not sure what I need to bring back into my life, to find my joy, but some of those things are starting to bubble up as well. I need to find my authentic self again. So many things have changed me, and I almost never have resisted. Overall, I have a lot of good things in life. But something is missing.</p><p>If you know what that is, please let me know. Lol. As for the other post, I probably will let that sit for a while and see what happens. Blogger has changed a bit since I last posted, so I have no idea if anyone will even see this. And if that is true then I guess that is fine too. This is a way of me figuring my way through some powerful words and forces that have appeared lately. I know that writing makes me feel the power, and I know that my art does as well. </p><p>I scanned through my posts to see when I started this blog and it was back in 2011. Wow! What I like is how this has been a nice way to record odd things that happen that I would never remember. Or save big events in picture form. I feel like maybe I should do that again. Maybe that is something that will begin my journey back to me. </p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-7118328351048588432021-06-29T14:53:00.002-05:002021-06-29T14:53:25.624-05:00A thought for today, and some informationHey!<div><br /></div><div>So the information first, apparently the thing where you get an email, if that is how you subscribe too this craziness here is going away in July. why- I have no idea. There is a way to download the subscribers, I guess. I don't even know if I want to know how that even works. So if that is how you know I have posted, that apparently wont be the case anymore. I get the feeling google doesn't want to deal with blogger so much anymore. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had this thought come to me yesterday, while I was dealing with some weird thing. Being an adult in life- it is like you are trying to hop from rock to rock in a raging river. Just when you get to the next rock and you see that you have made it, there is the next rock. You never can get very comfortable, there is always some wave in the river trying to get to you. I feel like that literally all the time. Retirement, boy weren't we lucky to get out when we did, but then there is health, and your friends and family with issues, and some indeed experiencing the end of life. All the things you think you will learn and do, and so many other things get in the way. Most of them happen in your own head.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hop, whew made it to the next rock. Oh dang it, I cant stay on this rock- I'm going to try to make it to the next one. Oh yay, safe. Oh wait nope. How to get to the next one. Maybe this rock will be better. but it sort of never is.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nothing drastic is happening to me, don't read more into it than necessary (which by the way, I am famous for reading far more into things that necessary). Just so many expectations, disappointments, challenges and goals. things to look forward to and an occasional regret.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hop. step. Can't stay here, move forward .....</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-34225870920686474832021-03-13T20:09:00.000-06:002021-03-13T20:09:22.762-06:00Well that didnt last too long...<p> Hey there again- </p><p>I am glad to say that my instinct to go for a walk was the right thing to do. I felt like I was walking through mud my legs felt so heavy, but at least being in the sun was helpful.</p><p>Speaking of sun, the snow is nicely receding and while the yard is still full of snow, the field around the house is becoming devoid of said nasty white stuff. This is indeed a wonderful thing. Got some sunny coming yet again tomorrow before few cloudy days. It gets above freezing for the day but below for the night, which will translate to some good maple syrup production this year I am thinking. I hope to get to Jane and Rogers place this coming week to do my yearly tradition of helping gather a little sap. Or at least accompanying Jane on her rounds.</p><p>Tomorrow I get the pleasure of going to help the mad-plant lady (formerly the mad-science teacher) transplant baby plants. I am indeed looking forward to this. Especially since rumor has it there might be cake involved and I can get behind that! And I really need to spend time with people. People who talk to me..... to say I am delighted is an understatement.</p><p>Tomorrow also is a total day off of any exercise because, you guys, my god, my body hurts. I don't remember what I said a few hours ago, but I was able to easily do decent squats during my peloton legs and glute workout yesterday and that turned out to be quite unpleasant today. I thought that riding the bike would help work that soreness out, but I thought wrong. Hence the walking through mud feeling this afternoon. I can also feel distinct tightness in my shoulders and back, so I did get a good workout.... I just have to keep a lid on that over-enthusiastic rediscovery of abilities.</p><p>Having the strength training really was a great start - I am glad I had those weeks of training before the bike came. But I **think** that the bike itself has done wonders for my knees. Time will tell. Meanwhile this is freaking awesome to standup with out swearing inside my head. Lol</p><p>I am so sleepy right now I think I am babbling. So I guess I will go join the MA and not watch whatever stupid western or world war 2 tv show he has on.... goodness. I will read or play a game of candy crush or most likely- both.</p><p>Thanks for reading! And I am very grateful to be back to my normal happy-ish self. </p><p><br /></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-84619800912406324412021-03-13T13:40:00.001-06:002021-03-13T13:40:33.392-06:00Mind shifting<p> The day started off just fine, I was a little stiff from the exercise I did yesterday. Coffee tasted pretty good, I got on the Peloton (which I named, but I don't remember what it was), expected a friend to be on with me but was not- but that is ok. No biggie. I did well on that and then rested because I was tired!</p><p>Lunch, the MA wasn't annoying or anything, and I had something left from yesterday for myself. So far so good. But, under it all I was a little off, and unfortunately it doesnt take much to push me over that line. I am fine, don't get me wrong, but I am feeling the effects of giving out too much again. This is what I do. I am my friends best cheerleader, counselor, sounding board. And I like the give and take of that. Lately I have been doing a lot of giving. And it caught up with me. </p><p>I found myself again repeating the same sort of advice (for lack of a better term, more like pep talk) which was promptly ignored and it made me exasperated. With everyone everywhere. </p><p>I could feel my mood plummet and the tears rose. So I need to just get out of the house I think. It is nice out, so I guess I will take a walk. Still alone. I have had my second vaccine and I can actually go where I want again. But that hasn't registered at all yet. Thanks a lot Covid for stealing my joy, you jerk.</p><p>Anyway, there is no solution or brushing this away. It just will take time. I'm hoping the sun will help too. I keep thinking today is Sunday, but indeed it is not. And tonight is sucky daylight savings time. I think that should go away. </p><p>But positives: I got my second vaccine, it is sunny and not snowing, I have a lot of people who care. I have amazing children and grandchildren, and I did get to retire at the exact right time it seems. But being home alone all the freaking time is not good. at all. the end. </p><p>So I am going to go outside and hope my brain finds its way back to perfectly fine like it was only an hour ago. I need summer and people and travel. not necessarily in that order. </p><p>Have a good weekend. to the 3 people who read this when I don't post it on Facebook. lol. you all are awesome. mwah. </p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-80702782772029381642021-02-22T08:46:00.001-06:002021-02-22T08:46:06.790-06:00Good Morning and Happy Monday<p> I was about to embark on my strength training mission and I had a random thought about this blog. I FREQUENTLY compose little sentences/paragraphs in my head (why though) for stories I would like to write, and through a fast process of random neuron firings I thought an update was in order.</p><p>I, since writing last, have gotten my first covid vaccine, which was really good- but again with the mind bending.... another time for that. I have endured 2 weeks of REALLY cold temperatures, though truth be told, it was way worse up here when I first moved north in 1980. And those first two winters we really only had a wood stove for heat. Good lord that sounds like pioneer days, doesn't it? I was doubting my sanity and judgement. And seriously thought about moving home- but I stuck it out. lol. mostly because I doubt my mom would have wanted me there. jk. She always said, at least to me, that we would always have a place to go if we needed it. I miss my mom. </p><p>Anyway, it is snowing lightly and is decently warmish, and I plan to get outside in a little while for some snowshoe after afore mentioned strength training. Which by the way has made a HUGE difference in the way I feel - however, this time around I am smart enough to keep the obsession at bay and am doing this without losing all the feeling in my hands at night. My peloton bike is scheduled to get here Wednesday - lord I hope I won't bore people with this- but we shall see.</p><p>The best thing that has happened lately is having my oldest son invite me down to visit them and I am getting my suitcase out later today. So Friday I am getting the hell out of dodge. My suitcase..... the one I bought for my trip to Italy that was supposed to happen last year..... sniff sniff..... But it is a wonderful piece of luggage and will be available for when that trip does happen. maybe next summer- 2022. fingers crossed.</p><p>I hear there are pitchers of margaritas to go in my future- because I have the best DILs ever. AND Mexican food too!!! It has been a hot minute for that- since summer time in the sort of south. </p><p>So here is the update, not too much to tell. But, I like to put out positive posts and not just my occasional bouts of anxiety and angst. I know we all have them, so it is also a good thing to have people be able to identify with the ludicrous and ridiculous things that go on in all of our minds.</p><p>Have a great week, and maybe I'll post again soon. I just never know. </p><p><br /></p><p>Rock on all you lovely friends of mine..... mwah </p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-21018576288602191082021-01-31T16:29:00.002-06:002021-01-31T16:29:10.694-06:00I miss my (nice) clothes <p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"> I just laughed out loud when I titled this </span>- I miss my clothes. So an edit was applied to make it slightly less eyebrow raising, or letting people think that I need to be institutionalized or something. Or perhaps avoiding covert visitors to the property to get a look at what THIS might all mean!</p><p>Anyway, I just had a DSW email notification pop up as I opened this tab, and it just reminds me of the pretty dresses, cute skirts, leather boots, colorful tights and other pretty things that I used to wear, not all that long ago. </p><p>It makes me look back over the years and think about how things have changed. When I first started working at the school, as a sub, I had nice enough things I guess, but I really didn't dress "up". You never knew what you were going to get- recess duty, art projects (which I got a lot of), etc. It was just safer to be in sturdy items that were not going to be a tragedy if they got dirty. Back when I was younger, I never wore dresses, or almost never. There were a few things behind that: lack of opportunity other than subbing, really poor self confidence and probably the main factor- not a lot of money. 3 kids and part time work does not give one a huge clothing budget. </p><p>Anyway, somewhere along the line I got my full time job and I <i>was</i> constantly covered in art supplies. Also not at all conducive to nice clothes. At least in my mind it was ridiculous to choose to get paint all over nice clothes and I really didn't think I was worthy of wearing pretty clothes like many of the lovely (read: thin) coworkers of mine. This was my own judgement, no one else's.</p><p>Fast forward to having a constantly changing job and life, turning 50, finding my voice and confidence and the art teacher who wore dresses almost every day evolved. I became known for my cute tights and pretty boots, skirts and dresses and sweaters. Still occasionally paint covered but not as much as I thought. I LOVED dressing up the last 5 years or so of my career. It was the best thing I even did for myself. I felt so good, and my colleagues and other friends would comment about what I wore. Even the big kids liked my clothes, and I had more than one kindergartener tell me they like my pants (my tights usually, lol) and then proceed to pet my leg and admire the color. It cracked me up, but mostly made me feel awe that anyone would pay attention. The assumptions I had had about myself were not at all true. I broke a lot of my own self imposed rules. </p><p>Even though I am indeed grateful for not working now, this would be terribly stressful work environment, there are so many things I miss. The smell of the oil paint when I first walked in the door of the high school art room, straightening the disorder I frequently left the night before, opening or starting the kiln, pulling myself together in front of the mirror and occasionally taking a selfie to share. I miss talking to my coworkers, the high school students, and getting the mass hugs from my elementary kids. And my nice clothes. </p><p>I did the right thing at the right time, and I still have a few things left in my closet. Someday I will get to wear them again- This will end, right? </p><p>Tomorrow is February and so far 2021 isn't too bad. Lets hope it stays that way- not too bad isn't the worst way to be. Find your way the best you can.</p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-74264032362309127432021-01-30T15:58:00.001-06:002021-01-30T15:58:57.880-06:00Chocolate cookies and things<span style="color: #b45f06; font-size: medium;">Today is a not-gonna-do-it day</span> for me. If I don't feel like it, I'm not. For the most part that is. I guess the MA will get fed since the poor boy works 7 days a week. But if you know him, for the love of all things good in this world, do not drop by and visit him at the office. Public service announcement: do not stop and chit chat with your local accountant. They are too nice to tell you that. Anyway, I didn't want to snowshoe or anything else this morning so there it is.... not gonna do it.<div><br /></div><div>I keep thinking back to the dentist office and the really messed up energy that hygienist had. She will be encouraged to take it down about 3 steps next time. You know, I specifically asked not to be nagged when I started at this new office a few years ago, apparently they will need to be reminded. Yes, I am still pissy about it all.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ok, deep breaths and I am reminding my self of what my meditation instructor said this morning: you can always come back to this place of peace whenever you need to. And I am doing so. People unloading on me, yet again, find your peaceful place. People not answering me back (some of whom I may be related to)- peaceful place. A lot of energy because I didn't do any yoga or strength training today- peaceful place AND let's make something chocolate. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had chocolate chips in the house, but was missing one of the ingredients needed to make magic cookie bars. I have coconut but not the will to roll up balls of coconut candy and dip them in chocolate.... sigh. So, chocolate cookies it is. Why not? The dough is literally chilling out in the fridge at the moment, so here I am waiting for it to firm up to be baked. </div><div><br /></div><div>Which leads me to some random thoughts I had while doing this new recipe. Seriously, Pinterest and blogger bakers are pretty damn annoying. First of all you have to wade through paragraphs and more paragraphs to get to the recipe. Then the woman who wrote the recipe started talking about over measuring flour- I mean, what the heck does that even mean? Then she said also, don't use too<i> LESS</i> flour..... oh honey..... So I read on and realize she means, you need to make sure you don't put in too much flour- therefore scoop it and level. Some sad examples of awkward/incorrect phrasing. Minor I know but - I am easily annoyed today. </div><div><br /></div><div> I remember one recipe that I did for a chocolate swirl banana bread that, I kid you not, had you using like 5 bowls and a pan and all of the measuring utensils in your cupboard. I got it down to one bowl and a glass 4 cup measuring cup, besides teaspoons and things like that. At the time, my mission was to avoid dishes. Since I now have a dishwasher, it is purely for bragging rights and pride. I have no one to brag to but myself, but we are pretty smug about it. Anyway, I know I shouldn't be down on people because you don't know their journey, but if you put that stuff on the internet you should do your editing. And for god sakes don't make a million dirty dishes.</div><div><br /></div><div>But on a positive note, Laurie and I are beginning to plan out the plants we are growing. I should point out that she is the one with the indoor seed starting setup: the correct lighting, windows, plant racks, etc. I am here to provide moral support, help and potting soil. My house just doesn't have a good place for it, and I am not setting that up in my bedroom. I know someone who thinks I should put all kinds of things in there and that gets shot down really quickly. I am not filling that room with stuff. I am slowly improving the space with carefully chosen beautiful items.... makes me happy to think about it. </div><div><br /></div><div>It almost looked like the sun might be peeking out, but maybe not. However, it is staying lightish out past 5 pm now, and that is really outstanding. Might be getting a bit of snow tomorrow, and that is fine, too. To have it almost 4pm and really bright out yet is so hopeful and so joyful. And we all need a little bit of that. </div><div><br /></div><div>I think it is time to bake the cookies! If you follow me on Instagram I am sure that photos will follow, at least in the stories part. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Rock on!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-40356043171251316462021-01-26T21:03:00.000-06:002021-01-26T21:03:27.513-06:00A positive note<p><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: medium;"> Ok, so I feel kind of horrible about complaining </span>since I restarted this blog, so here are a few positives - because really, that is not how I generally operate.</p><p>I made and have eaten chocolate cake! YES!</p><p>I have seen my mad-ex-science teacher friend for a few minutes, so that was wonderful, and tomorrow I am taking Lola's (the food truck Lola, not the statue) to my birthday-girl friend's place. I get to have an outing! That doesn't involve being nagged at by dental professionals. </p><p>The sun has been out lately and conversely its snowed a little, so I will be snowshoeing in a day or two. </p><p>Daffodils, not in season, grace my kitchen and they make me so happy.</p><p>I am still loving my refreshed bedroom and from 4 years ago, my kitchen remodel. I appreciate the hard work we did after all these years of living in kinda ugly.</p><p>I am SO grateful none of my closest friends or family have gotten the 'rona and neither have I. The one or two of my next circle out have gotten it and recovered. This is so good. The MA will get his vaccine soon I think, and I will as soon as I can. All these things are superb. And I will never talk politics, but thank god that nightmare is over.</p><p>I am enjoying my new workout schedule, peloton is fun- and I am really looking forward to getting the bike. and I am enjoying the benefits of the activities and I remember how much I enjoy lifting weights. I have no idea why, but I do love it.</p><p>This is the best I can do tonight, as I am getting a little tired... that is what happens when one gets up- unfathomably at 5-5:30 am. It is the best time of the day.</p><p>Make this week the best you can- there is always something good in - just little conversations or text messages can make your day complete.</p><p>Rock on good people! And be nice. </p><p><br /></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-86767749366288735222021-01-26T09:02:00.001-06:002021-01-26T09:02:20.659-06:00self worth?<p> <span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">The last few days have been interesting, let's say.</span> I had the pleasure of having the mad-middle son's kids- with parents of course- for a while Sunday. I had a dentist appt, had to do errands, etc.... I saw some people I haven't in a while. For the most part its been ok-ish, and I won't even bother to rant about the dental appointment. You can never be good enough for the dental office, so whatever. They can stick it.</p><p>Anyway, in my quest to let people be who they need to bet, I am failing miserably at being nonjudgmental and accepting. MISERABLY!! In some ways, I feel bad for one or two of these people, and in others I want to yell at them but I don't. Which leads to me having a lot of pent up emotions and then the voices in my own head speak up and this is all just one big mess. I am grateful for the few who are constants in my life and I pretty much know what to expect, and mostly it is such a relief when your beliefs and theirs pretty much line up on all the important matters. Wasn't that a fun run-on sentence that I didn't even bother to correct? </p><p>I had a comment get to me though: You are retired, you don't have any stress in your life. I understand this was not meant to be mean or nasty, but it reminded me BIG time of breaking my elbows when it was implied I should be grateful I only had compression fractures and not ones with bones sticking out of my skin or crumbled like dust inside my arm. Because is it even really broken if you don't have a cast?? Bite me. </p><p>This of courses coupled with another conversation made me actually feel GUILTY for getting out of teaching/retiring when I did. I am sorry I don't have to bear the unbelievable stresses that teachers now have, and I cannot feel good about not having to deal with it. ......... wait! I am not at all sorry. I would have been able to do it, but I am glad that I do not. I have thought about this off and on for the last 24 hours or so, and so I decided maybe writing it down might help dispel the thought. </p><p>I am so sorry that you can not retire at this time (insert a few names here) but I actually am older than you and frankly put my time in. I did a lot of things over the last 35/40 years, and having my own room/full time job only happened for 20 of them. And things stayed constant for a grand total of 7 of those years and then all bets were off. Anyway, I did my best and I regret only a few things, and speaking up for myself is not a regret ever, and next time I will.</p><p>So now I am going to try to go on with my day without having conversations and voices replaying inside my mind ad nauseam. I need to continue with the rehab of my stupid knees, which by the way, got injured when I over exercised a while back , so that sucks. But on I go- so whatever, at least the rehab is working.</p><p><br /></p><p>OMG, I realize that it was 6 years ago TODAY that I broke my elbows. If you want to know about that craziness it is right <a href="http://madartteacher.blogspot.com/2015/01/and-now-for-something-totally-unexpected.html">HERE.... </a> it was ridiculous. </p><p>ok, back to business.... </p><p>Rock on you wonderful people</p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-4364353537644934852021-01-24T09:19:00.001-06:002021-01-24T09:19:39.459-06:00why though<p> Ok, so I am going to apologize in advance for this vague post. I can't really say the specifics because I am not that person.</p><p>I knew when the text conversation started it would lead to no good things. And because I am a person who is mindful of the differences in people, I try to NOT say things that sound judgmental or mean. I tap danced right on that line today much to the detriment of my mental health. I think sometimes that my innate sense of respectfulness is not good for my blood pressure or mood.</p><p>That being said, how do you deal with a person who has no apparent ability to respect boundaries that you have clearly drawn- because I don't think they even understand that the boundary has been established. I of course ask for no real answer, that was somewhat rhetorical. But I am really REALLY agitated atm, and this is my attempt to settle in. My mantra of letting people be who they are is not really working.</p><p>I constantly question my motives and second guess my intentions and all I really want to do is be able to say fuck it, I don't need this in my life. FTA. </p><p>Ok, now I need to go see what time my live yoga is and try not to actually crawl the walls with frustration. I'm ready to move to an island of some sort. I'll send for some of you when the time is right. lol</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-90278213784900309052021-01-23T13:37:00.004-06:002021-01-23T13:37:43.740-06:00Crying during a happiness meditation <p><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"> Yes, you read that right</span>. I was so disturbed by this I can't even tell you. </p><p>I am going to talk about one thing at a time here- like in each post a different focus. I have a billions things that I could say, but I have possibly been identified as someone who is decidedly nonlinear in her story telling, so I am going to try to keep this concise. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes at that idea as well.</p><p>Why did I cry? Idk, but in my quest to make sure I get the January activity challenge on Peloton, even on my rest days, I at least do a meditation or a restorative yoga. A few unanswered questions there, right?</p><p>So yes, let's rewind. Back in December, things were much like they are now, except of course for the stresses of Christmas, which somehow makes things seem even more sucky but I digress. I decided for the sake of my physical and mental health I needed to change a few things. So I started by allowing myself to be talked into (tho I had been thinking about it) joining the Peloton cult. I am a person who constantly needs change and new things to do, and this time of my life has way too few of those things. I was perturbed to find out the bike won't get here until late February, but also heartened because they give you free use of the app during your wait time so you can become properly indoctrinated, um oh, or should I say, to give you something to do to pass time waiting. </p><p>The app has literally everything on it for you to do that is available on the bike, but, you know, there is no bike. So if I had a different bike, which I don't, I could use it to cycle. BUT there is a lot else to do there, including but not limited to: strength training, resistance bands, yoga, meditation, cardio, outdoor walking coaching (which is kind of ridiculous to use when you are plodding through snow and over icy roads), pilates, etc. I am putting a positive spin on the fact the bike won't be here for a while by saying I am using this time to get stronger so I don't actually harm myself. And it is really true. </p><p>Fortunately for me, I have the technique for weight lifting down pat, so it is just a matter of building up the pounds that I move. I'm on the threshold of needing 15 pound dumbbells (for any one near by that is going out of town anytime soon- that would be awesome) and I, of course, picked up resistance bands as well, because variety (and shopping) makes me happy. Now the yoga thing is a different matter, I have done small amounts here and there, so I have a nodding acquaintance with it, but I am taking that slow. I have gotten the mat and the blocks for it, as they are quite crucial. </p><p>Anyway, I can talk about that (yoga and strength training) another time, because I am trying to prove I can stay some what on topic. So Peloton gives you badges for things- like so many days in a row and for doing x number of strength, yoga, stretching..... etc sessions. A FUN thing is to do their live classes, which I try to work in when I can, otherwise they are all on demand. So yeah, as I have proved in previous parts of my life, I will work hard for virtual bling. shiny things. useless awards. bring it. On this program there is NO talk of diet ever and they really do a good job of modifying or offering modification techniques for all people. It is quite good, except for the whole moving-from-standing-to-hands-and-knees-or-lying so fast situation. It can be a problem depending on how far I have pushed myself the previous day. Some days standing up from down dog is not going to gracefully happen. But wow have my stupid knees gotten better, so there is that. </p><p>Today is a total rest day. Which means no yoga, no strength, no pilates from hell, etc. but because Debi does work for badges- she will at least do a meditation on rest days to keep that streak going. </p><p>I have been doing daily meditation for 3 years now and I am a believer. I use Headspace in the morning, virtually every morning, and so I was not convinced that I would need to use Peloton meditation. But that first day came where I needed to take a day off, and I was firmly hooked into those badges, and so I logged in to a meditation. Well..... they are amazing! For the most part the instructors for meditation only do that and yoga. That is not true of all of them, but for the most part. All of the meditations have been great, there are 3 people I keep going back to because I like their voices and their ways. My favorite probably is Ross, who had a live meditation this morning.</p><p>So yeah, he had a happiness meditation, which he prefaced by saying is not a light- everyone be happy, but more of a deeper allowing yourself to have peace or whatever works for you. I love the music they use too, btw, and it felt good to start. But when he began prepping us for the main meditation, I don't even know what he said but my eyes filled with tears and literally before I knew it he was wrapping up that 10 minutes and I had been wiping my eyes the whole time. Not exactly what I was expecting.</p><p>So do I feel happy? Not exactly, but I am feeling more aware. This whole self quarantine stuff is shitty. I do not do well with it at all. I feel angry when people are doing things that I can't let myself do yet, I feel sad when I don't hear back from my people, I feel hopeless that it will ever end.... then I am pissed at myself for being such a baby, but I feel what I feel and so I let myself off the hook as much as I can. Like I said in the previous post, I am trying to let people be who they need to be and I have to do that with myself as well. </p><p>So today, I decided to write a little, I am going to renew my intent from a month ago to draw a face a day- nothing fancy, just draw. I am going to read a chapter of a pretty good book I have been reading and I am going to try to leave my people alone and be my own best friend. I'm not that great at any of this some days. Wish me well.</p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: medium;"><i>And everyone put thought of a Peloton bike coming to me the last Tuesday in February out into the universe- because I have been waiting 5 weeks already and I have been using these 5 weeks to the best of my ability!!! </i></span></p><p>Rock on people! xo</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-73578668226463399892021-01-18T15:42:00.005-06:002021-01-18T15:46:03.164-06:00wow its been a hot minute<p> Hey there- </p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: medium;">I had some grand idea about writing</span> something and then I tried loading Chrome onto my Mac and that didn't work out too well, and I don't have the will to complete the mission.... so all my ideas have vanished. </p><p>It is interesting to see that Blogger is updated, I have not been on here for quite a while.</p><p>So I guess now that I know Blogger works well again on the Safari platform, Google chrome can just sit there and not be installed. HA.</p><p>I see a hint of the sun coming out but I have no reason to go outside since there is no mail here on MLK day. Which makes no sense in any context whatsoever. I have had ideas for short little posts but until this minute just let them slip out of my consciousness. I am feeling the need to write, so I probably will. It'll be somewhat longer than a tweet but shorter than one of my usual rambles. </p><p>I will use these posts to describe the weirdly not-all-that-successful settling into retirement that I have experienced, and other random thoughts that literally flood my brain when I am surviving this separation from people at large.</p><p>At the moment, I am working hard to let people be who they are. I have some folks in my life who are not in alignment with the way I have been living, and it is quite disturbing to me. But I am letting them be who they need to be, trying not to judge the hell out of them. Be who you need to be, that is my mantra for the present time. Well I have another one too, but you probably don't want to know what that is. haha. One person does, and that is it. I have a filthy mouth inside this head of mine and my mantras do reflect that.</p><p>More random thoughts to come.</p><p>And maybe pictures too, but I am not actually promising that. Which we all know will come, but I am not in the mood today.</p><p>Peace out!</p><p>Wow random and disjointed today. Its me at my best 😁</p>debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-4435195777281692262020-04-17T17:28:00.001-05:002020-04-17T17:32:52.770-05:00Auntie Linda<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_BPVo0jyJPRp7hyphenhyphenMwQhX27Ry39tl78s8hdsrhZd3VYq2uu9BOkMVdgqd1lV1h2pX5DYutgvtPxCTzQvfw3_oL-mqgyIgyfESVjansIRjaMzHC6lFW82A9cqdyJ7knf8rdCarARi-eZqo/s1600/linda+and+I.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_BPVo0jyJPRp7hyphenhyphenMwQhX27Ry39tl78s8hdsrhZd3VYq2uu9BOkMVdgqd1lV1h2pX5DYutgvtPxCTzQvfw3_oL-mqgyIgyfESVjansIRjaMzHC6lFW82A9cqdyJ7knf8rdCarARi-eZqo/s400/linda+and+I.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From February 2015 </td></tr>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">We have had more than our share of grief </span>in our family in the last 18 months. Maybe that is an unfair or inaccurate statement, but we as a collective family unit- especially those on my dad's side of the family- have had quite enough thank you very much. <br />
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Of course December of 2018 we lost my mom and then 6 month later my brother. Only a few weeks later my uncle David died also, and now my aunt Linda.</div>
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It seems kind of unfair that I am writing about one of my relatives and not others... I don't think I even wrote about my brother, because that was all just too awful to relive at that time and now it seems like its been too long. I have had several of my aunties and uncles die over the last few years and again- there are so many stories to tell. Maybe I need to begin a collection of stories on one post and publish them here at some point.</div>
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I've always felt very close to my aunt Linda- she was person who was joyful and she made my heart happy. The story that I was always told was that Linda was about 15/16 when I was born and I was the first grandchild on my dad's side of the family- and so I was an event. When I think of Linda I remember her saying the words "little debbie" in a very specific way that makes me smile so big. Anyway, Linda according to my mom, was enthralled with me. My mom also said she had to "get me back" from this young teenage girl, and while I am not sure what that entailed I always felt the love coming from Linda. I am not sure why, but it was she was one of those people I just felt connected to more deeply than most people. Im at that point in my life, or maybe it is just me, that I am sensitive to thinking other relatives might feel sad if I say this, but it is just the truth. I don't know how or why, but she was just someone I adored. always.</div>
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I had a lot of strong female role models growing up and I am forever grateful for that experience. I have memories of her babysitting for us when we lived in a couple different houses, and I imagine somewhere in there she went off to nursing school and of course a child's memory is incomplete. She was at all the family gatherings and celebrations and when she got married and had kids, there was more to love. Uncle Larry was an awesome uncle, so much fun to be with and I did a lot of babysitting at their house in South Beloit. I remember that house so well, but I am not sure if I could find it again.<br />
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Watching Karla and Kevin and Kurt was a big part of my adolescent summers, along with the St Bernard, Heidi, and all the craziness that went with that household. My mind is flooded with memories of big bowls of popcorn, the swimming pool they set up in the back yard, the different places we went to together. Trying not to be spooked waiting for them to come home from going out somewhere. I shared a lot of things with her, I knew a lot about her, the good things and the tough things to know. New stories keep popping up, but there are too many to tell.</div>
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I have just two more that I will touch on, first when my dad lay in hospice- breathing his last and I broke down. As we all have experienced, this kind of loss is beyond words. Linda was with me, she was in the little room next to his and let me cry and tell her how I felt. She told me that it was ok, that what ever I felt was good. Not everyone reacts the same way and whatever I needed to do was the right thing. I always felt loved and her words were the most loving thing she could have done. </div>
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5 years ago when I did the broken elbow thing, I got an unexpected phone call. It was the end of February and I had probably been back to work at least part of the time. Anyway, it was aunt Linda and she was in Phillips!! She had a friend from nursing school she was visiting and she wanted to stop by and see how I was. It took her some time to get up here and she was not really familiar with technology and mapping and the like, but she managed to get here and spent an hour or so with me before she went back. It was an amazing surprise and was just what I needed. She caught me up with her kids, all about her grandchildren who she loved so much, the things she had been doing.... it was wonderful.<br />
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Fast forward to last year and my poor aunt was not the exuberant soul that she used to be. She was there at my moms funeral, but she was not her usual self. I am so grateful she knew me, but her laugh and quick wit were missing. I am not sure of the health issues she all had, but it didn't matter. I was so sad when we made first eye contact and I smiled big, but she barely acknowledge it in her face. She said later that she knew me and we talked a little, but it was not the story telling, funny sweet aunt I knew. But it didn't matter. At least I got to see her again.</div>
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Unfortunately she had mounting health problems that led to hospice a couple weeks ago. In this crazy set of circumstances, hospice is not what it needs to be, with no visitors and the like. Fortunately her daughter and one son were able to be with her on her last day. And they of course had to have a small service with only immediate family and her sister my aunt Ruth. We could not go and be with her kids like she was for us. and that is so so sad.<br />
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I don't feel like this tribute tells the tale of how attached I felt to her. Though I didn't see her often lately, I was always so happy when I did.</div>
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There are so many things to remember- her house in South Beloit and then in Shopiere. I remember her red record of the Chipmunks that she would play for me. She and I made flowers in their air-conditioned camper for my wedding cake a few weeks before I got married, and she made my wedding cake. Speaking of air-conditioning, their house had it and it was the first I ever experienced that in those hot southern WI summers. She would drop by moms house when she knew I was down with my kids, visiting. I would gravitate to where she would be, during family get togethers, usually with my mom and her sister and I just remember mostly being loved. </div>
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I wish for you the joy of a special person, someone who makes you feel like you are prized and loved. Someone who lights up when you see them, and you feel their love always.</div>
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debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-5386189751508911522020-04-17T16:32:00.002-05:002020-04-17T16:32:17.528-05:00sweet surprises<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">I know that I have been a bit negative on my blog here</span>, but sometimes just writing out sad words helps for a few minutes. So I thought I would write a more positive thing for once.<div>
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I just got my mail and a friend of mine who I last saw almost a year ago at my retirement party sent me little thoughtful gift in the mail. I am not positive but maybe they read this?? the last few angsty posts I have done I have not put on the social media. Because they are mostly just for me. But anyway, it was so nice and I am touched. I have a few cards I need to write anyway, and now I have another. but that is just fine. what a sweet surpise.</div>
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Then I set my camera up with my long lens and tripod and was taking a few bird pictures. and while I went in to get a coat on because jeez its cold here still, the little assholes flew away and didnt come back. Lol. fine.</div>
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so amongst all that commotion the Mad-youngest son Mikey came over and he made me a table top easel! how cool is that? I had talked about it with him at one point, so that is super. </div>
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I do have 2 others who send me random things that make me smile and sometimes giggle at the crazy. Seems like they always come at just the right time lately. I have needed the laughter again.</div>
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So yeah, while yesterday was pretty horrible, today has definitely been a turn for now. Just getting outside and seeing the snow has mostly melted does make things seem better. </div>
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Thank you to my people. you know who you are. and to random acts of kindness because we all need it.</div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">You may notice that I often don't have a capital letter where one belongs... and random comment explained: about a year ago I sloshed wine on my laptop (I was not sloshed, slosh is a verb here, not an adjective!) and my right hand shift key has never quite recovered. lol It works but it still sticks.... oy. </span></i></div>
debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-10636508462569892592020-04-12T09:45:00.000-05:002020-04-12T09:45:08.077-05:00none of this is okNone of it<br />
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NONE of this is ok today- I thought I was fine, but nope.<br />
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so there it is. <br />
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FTA<br />
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I have more to say about other things- later.<br />
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<br />debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-60178657185690483442020-04-02T20:42:00.000-05:002020-04-02T20:42:10.536-05:00well thenWell this was a day-<br />
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I am sorry for the pity party guys, but I am struggling here.<br />
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I have been upbeat for the people who need it, supportive for those who need me, morally outraged for others and always here to give virtual hugs as needed because thats who I am.<br />
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But I spent a hell of a lot of time crying this afternoon. My first major breakdown. for no real reason other than knowing that I am needing human contact. I struggle to even write this down because frankly I am sick of crying. A few people were kind enough to check on me today, but they can't help if you don't feel like you can let them down by not being ok. One person knows.... thank heaven I could tell them. It helped.<br />
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I wish people would stop posting who died- how many cases- that you can catch it by looking at someone sideways... there has to be something else you can focus on. If nothing else, post a landscape of somewhere you have been. Or something to make others laugh. I know that not everyone gets anxious over things like this but there are a lot of us who do....<br />
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So I'm not going to bother posting this to facebook because frankly I don't need someone telling me I am wrong-<br />
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FTA<br />
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So I had some super good Moscato that made me feel marginally better but mostly I need to go to bed.<br />
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The sketchbook challenge continues, with some drop off of participation but us original 5-6 are still at it. :)<br />
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Anyway, tomorrow has to be better- has to be.<br />
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Or the wine will be out earlier in the day lol good thing the liquor departments aren't close at the grocery stores here ha<br />
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<br />debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-7536256681316234992020-03-29T09:02:00.001-05:002020-03-29T09:02:40.842-05:00this is me<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;">This is me dusting off my blog</span>,</span> because I feel the need to whine and rage and be happy, sometimes all in the same 5 minutes in semi private... semi.... I do understand how this works.<br />
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This is me today:<br />
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I have a continuing minor headache because I am clenching my jaw... please dont tell me to get a mouthguard because no.<br />
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It is cold and rainy and might be snowy soon, and I really just want to go outside<br />
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I have the attention span of an actual gnat these days, and today my job is to clean up my house. I haven't had such a weird bunch of junk laying around in forever- and that is because of the afore mentioned attention span.<br />
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I was laid off from my freelancing job at the newspaper. so it wasn't really a job, but I won't get paid anymore... not that was the reason I was doing it. And as a result my mind has shut down that part of me, and I have no idea why. Because I would do it anyway. and will if I am asked. <br />
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Speaking of quarantine, which I never want to but.... the term someone came up with for nitwits who dont pay attention to the guidelines- covidiots that is all I need to say about that. a useful term. you're welcome (and thanks to you for the meme- you know who you are ;) )<br />
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And I am back to the headache. Bear in mind, once I get up and get going, I will feel more like myself. <br />
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HOWEVER, I have been doing a sketchbook challenge with some friends and I hope you can go to facebook and join. if not that is ok, go and see what people did. it is fun. if you dont have facebook, if you have Instagram I am planning to post my drawings there, but that is where that gnat thing is causing me problems. <br />
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That is all for now. <br />
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I'm betting I will be back.<br />
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joy? I need itdebiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-91313375562156017882019-11-21T14:59:00.002-06:002019-11-21T14:59:42.169-06:00Well then...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Ok so it is almost 2 pm and I still haven't eaten lunch</span>, although I am literally starving. But no, I am here writing a blogpost because I feel the need to sort through things.... who even am I any more??<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87HtHPbVhoF-mD7WKI9gb8y9nekC0wTO-nxnXy1dD7ZJ08hr8QegIsoAndTAsIoQnZkI94c7YUERxqK9D92ZtgiYHX3ILXGoc_YCEYLePtMT6pIVrjekm-Qth29JuCjnYLt3VUjNNlxs/s1600/IMG_1893.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="973" data-original-width="1600" height="387" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87HtHPbVhoF-mD7WKI9gb8y9nekC0wTO-nxnXy1dD7ZJ08hr8QegIsoAndTAsIoQnZkI94c7YUERxqK9D92ZtgiYHX3ILXGoc_YCEYLePtMT6pIVrjekm-Qth29JuCjnYLt3VUjNNlxs/s640/IMG_1893.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Newest abandoned find- must return in spring</td></tr>
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So since we (I) last spoke- <span style="color: blue; font-size: x-small;">seriously I am getting light headed, I have to grab my foods-</span> I have done a lot of the things. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Oh yeah, that is much better- a small stack of pringles does not cut it for lunch... </span> </span>First off today I - after weeks of quite the rigamarole and a lot of angst and indecision and such- took some framed photos up to <a href="http://fanaticalfish.com/"><span style="color: red;">Fanatical Fish in Butternut</span></a>. This has been in the works for over 2 years I believe, but it took me retiring before I could manage to make it happen. And I understand why- trying to decide what to print, where to get it framed, which cards I wanted to produce for selling (a whole additional story), finding all the bits and pieces and ordering and managing and of course I am taking more photos and going on adventures.... and I have turned into a squirrel apparently and am distracted by shiny things and moving objects. My brain exhausts me. I spend a lot of time chasing my tail me thinks.<br />
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I had school down to a science. I was semi organized, had a badillion lessons in my head for ages 4-18, could manage 30 children all doing something different, with art supplies and interruptions. But trying to do things in a way that is appropriate for a little side-hustle business is WAY beyond my ability. Snap decisions- I got that covered. Thought out plans and income management..... gurl (or boy) please.... I have more photos to take. But fortunately I talk to anyone who will listen to me about it and I have good advisors in my life. One of them has called me a squirrel more than once lately but I'm good with that. It makes me smile.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvf1rlrsEuhaCa_-vGJslPj_b5UHHT66yfcr_AkJAzRpln0hCFEvRgw_5WxtceZnS4NyzuIiWGJ_AszzkgkZ8hyCqqyiD0hXA8xBBqbysEK5hfs5C0dDxH1QVjyv7ieiyyba8vb9418t8/s1600/IMG_1787.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1090" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvf1rlrsEuhaCa_-vGJslPj_b5UHHT66yfcr_AkJAzRpln0hCFEvRgw_5WxtceZnS4NyzuIiWGJ_AszzkgkZ8hyCqqyiD0hXA8xBBqbysEK5hfs5C0dDxH1QVjyv7ieiyyba8vb9418t8/s400/IMG_1787.jpg" width="272" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ice at Smith Lake</td></tr>
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So, to clarify this all. A couple summers ago I approached Kelly up at FF about putting some photos in her gallery. She was really excited for that, but then I had school come along and my underlying but still unrecognized issue of not making decisions quickly cropped up. New things like that paralyze me. But since I sort of rashly decided to retire (I am totally capable of fast decisions and pride myself in knowing what I want - usually) I had a little more space in my mind and I talked to her again and began the process. That is when trouble started: what photos, which size, how many, which company, should they be metal prints, winter or summer, landscape or abandoned.... goodness. (Side note: most of them are abandoned sorts of photos) Plus Kelly has room to sell cards- and a friend said she would love some winter cards that could be used for Christmas or not! What pictures, what company, compare prices, how many..... then get little clear bags, and price stickers... Oh and hey, business cards, a new email for the business (photosbydebikayo@gmail.com) and then I would sit in a corner and play Candy Crush until I came down off my anxious little branch of the tree. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj28OKmoiTE-uQp4bAc1if5JRzmZqsKV04exgQAE0LjKWPirBGiZUmf3hqKMSV20_dk1DSPBgTObgnZJhO-1HY_i-JjALN2C7NArJtatQc_zH5QwLj1WfSneKv3s2wDuDl1IWztDpq28Og/s1600/IMG_1885.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1052" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj28OKmoiTE-uQp4bAc1if5JRzmZqsKV04exgQAE0LjKWPirBGiZUmf3hqKMSV20_dk1DSPBgTObgnZJhO-1HY_i-JjALN2C7NArJtatQc_zH5QwLj1WfSneKv3s2wDuDl1IWztDpq28Og/s640/IMG_1885.jpg" width="419" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Houghton Falls</td></tr>
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MEANWHILE, I went on 4 vacations this past summer/fall and I still have photos to edit from them- especially the ones from the museums, and I discovered a zillion that I didn't upload of other pix that I need for calendars also, and nothing that has to do with photo editing is fast. In addition, I took a lot of photos for the newspaper, which definitely cluttered my mind (man I love that though) and that was a heap of editing sprinkled in there as well. The newspaper editor is a former student (HI SETH!) and he likes to send me on fun assignments. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq1mAk99gzwoeXvoPSeN2mbDiDnqG7z7Y77hpL_r2DuG8M0c1KwHhE09i0BqdxfWTiQcFzhuSi3jOaxCYLtL0_l64wMN8eLIMobuhFPMc3dhY5mmm1JhF47sz8cGfZum3MI2wkTd7kaEk/s1600/IMG_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq1mAk99gzwoeXvoPSeN2mbDiDnqG7z7Y77hpL_r2DuG8M0c1KwHhE09i0BqdxfWTiQcFzhuSi3jOaxCYLtL0_l64wMN8eLIMobuhFPMc3dhY5mmm1JhF47sz8cGfZum3MI2wkTd7kaEk/s640/IMG_1920.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lake Superior Ice in Ashland</td></tr>
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So I have had photos printed for quite a while now, ranging from a couple years to a couple months ago, and I chose some to get framed. There is not a lot of choice up here for that, and I needed to NOT be traveling a long way for this. So I found the <a href="https://www.yelp.com/biz/superior-framing-and-gallery-ashland"><span style="color: red;">Superior Framing Gallery in Ashland</span></a> and I have to say how pleased I am with their fast - holy smokes fast- service and really great quality for a reasonable amount of money- framing is expensive you guys, but I certainly don't want to do it myself. Been there and done that and I HATE it. I finally made my way up to Ashland to pick them up (life and the weather got in the way) and I synced schedules with Kelly and got them to the gallery.<br />
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After delivering my prints this morning, I decided that having an abandoned building calendar to sell at the Butternut Community Christmas thing (veering off onto another tangent) along with my cards would be a great idea. So I began making that when I got home and that is NEVER fast, plus I need to have all 3 of my calendars done by Sunday because there is a 50% off sale and that needs to happen. SO I stopped everything after the first calendar was ordered and got myself something to eat and wrote this craziness out. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyOHqjqFTcqP5lEF04YFYvva6PBlYyKZFUVkDLcxeq1IZEL-qYLZFo4yZdGvsnK7XgWSlvutfPeEcqjr6Q2z3IPZWSgIWKW44GJw85QsWFVos3Sok77djlQiGv_p4Sism8r5ATue_eyyU/s1600/IMG_1887.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1068" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyOHqjqFTcqP5lEF04YFYvva6PBlYyKZFUVkDLcxeq1IZEL-qYLZFo4yZdGvsnK7XgWSlvutfPeEcqjr6Q2z3IPZWSgIWKW44GJw85QsWFVos3Sok77djlQiGv_p4Sism8r5ATue_eyyU/s640/IMG_1887.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lake Superior at the end of the Houghton Falls trail.</td></tr>
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I feel slightly less dazed.<br />
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Then I think about how probably I should get a website and update the facebook business page I have with photos and then I am thinking maybe I should go play a computer game even though I have a ton of other things I need to do. <br />
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Nothing happens fast in the photography world apparently, especially when you live no where near anything that can assist you in having a finished product. Oh well, I finally had the framing issue come together, I have the calendar ordered and I plan to work on the other calendars tomorrow. Pop open that bottle of white that is in my fridge. Edit tonight. Oh wait, I better reverse that order. Put the cards into their little sleeves and such. <br />
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If you want a calendar, and some people have wanted them before- message or email me. I have an abandoned building one and I will put together an artsy one if people are interested. Because I enjoy torturing myself apparently. If you want to go to Butternut for their little Christmas thing- that is Saturday, 12/7 from 10 - 2. I will be at Fanatical Fish with my little card table of cards. Isn't that a nice symmetry?<br />
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Otherwise I want you to get out there and find the joy in your life! Because I feel like mine is getting more joyful again, now that the horror that was the beginning of this year has faded a little. And I am planning already a few joyful events in 2020! YAY! #bringit<br />
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<br />debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-50322192148445659642019-09-27T15:25:00.000-05:002019-09-27T15:25:20.975-05:00Mind Clutterz: old thingz and new thingz<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">I have been feeling the pull of the blog lately.</span> Until the last week or so, I have had so much noise in my mind that I haven't been able to clearly focus on almost anything. Even things I need to get done, don't. <div>
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<span style="color: red;">Retirement </span>- as I indicated earlier- isn't as smooth sailing as one would come to believe. There is a lot of your self confidence and self worth tied up in your profession, especially one that you have to be fully committed to- heart and mind- like teaching. I have missed the people and I have missed the kids. I subbed once a week ago and it was fun, but I determined that the advanced art students should not have me in the building yet. So I am waiting a few more weeks. </div>
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<span style="color: orange;">A new gig</span>- so oddly and fortunately- I have a former student (who I adore by the way, he was a memorable and favorite of mine) is the editor at the newspaper here in our county. He asked me, when he did that amazing article about me for Teacher Appreciation Week, if I would be willing to do some photo assignments. And I was and I am and I did! I have done quite a few things now, things I have never done much before, like shooting football games, lining people up for formal group pictures and taking pictures specifically for the paper with our demographic in mind. It is interesting and super fun. I have always loved learning new things, and this is cool. And new photography gear #ftw!!</div>
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<span style="color: red;">Speaking of learning new things</span><span style="color: #351c75;">-</span> for reasons far beyond actual comprehension I am using Duolingo to learn Italian and relearn German. I had done some language learning a few years ago on Rosetta, but now I am going in a little more deeply. For whatever reason if I am feeling anxious, I can sit down and plod through Italian for a while and then make myself feel good about my intelligence by zipping through a few German lessons. </div>
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<span style="color: blue;">An aside here: </span>I can testify that if you want to learn a language WELL, start young. My class in Clinton Schools (WI) was the last class to have German from 4th grade on through High school. We had a German teacher who came in I think once a week or so when we were younger and then you didn't have to take it after 6th grade. I think. Hard to remember. In Jr. High and HS it was a traditional class. I kept taking it through HS, and was not smart enough to take it in college because I was sick of it by that time.... so I tried taking French which was an epic fail- I passed the class but omg, what a nightmare that was. All those people yakking on in French, so you knew they had it in high school. I did not. Anyway, as I go through the lessons, the German that is, I am fuzzy on vocab, but for whatever reason much of the sentence structure is right there. I don't think about it, I just know it. Because I had extensive education in it when I was young.... Italian is hard, you guys. lol But I am working through it. German- which is not a particularly simple language to learn- is easy for me because I had it in my formative years. It is crazy for schools to be cutting languages... but I digress.</div>
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<span style="color: #274e13;">Anyway,</span> I have been taking photos and cleaning up my gardens, and generally enjoying the fall. This little post satisfied my need to write for the moment and so I guess I will finish up a few things before I go to the football game here in a little while. Trying out the new lens and all! It's a beast of a lens but it will be perfect for the challenging lighting conditions. Good times! A new way to find my joy. </div>
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Bis später, findest du deine Freude!</div>
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Arrivederci </div>
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debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-51963070036082718472019-06-27T08:20:00.001-05:002019-06-27T08:20:37.123-05:00In waitingThank you to the people who reached out to me, even though I told you not to. Lol. I am grateful people don't listen. HA<br />
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This is another "private" post, unadvertised. I haven't done my brother's post yet, I only yesterday started to truly feel like myself. I am highly anxious today, but I suppose that is to be expected. Tomorrow is the service and frankly, I am tired of crying and being sad and upset. I know this is normal, but I don't want to be normal, as usual. But that makes no difference, what I want. I am what I am and I feel what I do.<br />
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I have had a few people tell me that, and I really do listen. Even if I seem like I don't. I do pay attention. And I know a couple of them like to be right all the time, so there it is again. You were right, I will be fine, but it is ok to be sad and cry.<br />
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I think I have cried more in the last 6 months than the last 6 years. I know that is true. Again, when life throws you some of the biggest highs and lows of your time on this earth, all in the same week in some cases, you are going to have some emotional stuff coming up. <br />
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So, I am making plans- creative plans. For a workshop or two, and more travel, and some concrete and mosaic work.... and of course the photography. And next summer- more travel....<br />
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I really wish I didn't feel so damn anxious today, I just want to go and do it and hold my grandchildren and be with family. And then start to see where this all takes me.... and find my joy again.debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9042956415601969967.post-43444863119036694552019-06-22T10:01:00.001-05:002019-06-22T10:01:38.585-05:00NOT goodThis is a fast, down and dirty post. I am not sharing to Facebook, I will write a better post later. I am NOT doing well today. I always am doing well, my optimism is the core of my being.... but the events of late have knocked me fucking over.<br />
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I have had such a mix of good and bad, of highs and lows and now insecurity and fear and grief and sorrow... I am haunted by not being good enough, by thinking I have done everything wrong, though back then I did the best I knew how and I can't regret my decisions of years gone by. But the thoughts are making me second guess everything I have thought, I'm full of the fear I am not good enough and always always too much.<br />
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I am not asking for phone calls, or messages or sympathy. I just think you should put out your ugly side once in a while. Then maybe the joy will follow some time. Hopefully soon.debiohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01252867857089161414noreply@blogger.com0