Familiar sights

I have been out and about a bit this weekend.  I've been visiting with the Mad-Middle son and family and kayaking and biking and such.  And of course a bit of cooking and entertaining.  While on my journeys, this particular time on the bike, I rode by the "ghost house" and favorite tree.  Both of these locations are on Hwy E not too far from where I live and both of them are on the down swing of their presence here in Price county.

Ghost house last November

I noticed yesterday that the ghost house is bending backwards.  For many years this place has been standing upright- just one wall.  Well, of course the look is deceiving as the one wall is held up with partial walls and all sorts of junk on the inside.  The roof and upper floor caved in, so it supported the last remaining side.  It has/had a face on that remaining side, which is pretty cool in some lighting situations.

Tilting back...

When I first moved into the place we live in now, that house was intact tho deserted.  I had lots of little kids to keep me busy in between the time when I first became aware of this place and when I began to have enough time and the courage to walk past there.  I say courage, because I have not always been a very brave person.  I never felt comfortable exploring new places until recently, like in the last 10 years.  This is an odd thing for me to admit in the middle of this random post, but it is true.  I think we were encouraged to stay nearby ie: out of the cornfields when we were little.  Since we lived in the middle of cornfields, there wasn't too far to go.  And regardless of what everyone thinks, I am not a particularly outgoing person in many regards.  It is one of those situations where you never know the journey that other people are on.  I'd never define myself as such.

Obscured

This is what has been holding up the facade

So the point of that is, I didn't have the nerve to walk very far from home because first I didn't think I could walk that far and also I was very hesitant to go where I hadn't been.  And 3 little kids.....  I didn't walk to the stone house until maybe 5 years ago, shocking to me in retrospect.  Yeah, well anyway, I only vaguely remember the intact house, but the one wall ghost house has been a part of my westward walks for the last several years.

The inside of the wall

I feel bad as it is going to be one more house that is will completely disappear and return the land to its original form.  There are no less than 5 houses that are abandoned in a 1/2 square mile in that area.  One  across the street from form said ghost house only has a tiny remnant left, the ghost house is crumbling.  There is the Stone house and the wooden house across from it just around the corner and there is an abandoned house in front of a more recently constructed house right in between all of the rest of these.  It is sort of odd.

Remnants of the people who lived here- Peony bushes - the house is on the other side of those trees.

Why there are so many houses that someone didn't care to sell or rent or just keep up with is a mystery to me.  Is it unique to the area?  I doubt it, houses fall into disrepair all over the place.  It makes me wonder and think about the possibilities, the past histories, the reasons behind it.  And it makes me a little sad.

Favorite tree

Chunks of its former glory 

Favorite tree is also in the proverbial autumn of it's life.  I was glad to see it leaf out this year, as there is quite a wound on the west side of it.  There are chunks of the trunk on the ground, and I have mentioned the fact that it looks like it is leaning more.  And crumbling down one side... 

Problems are apparent here...

This lovely tree has such character in its advanced age and overall decaying condition.  It is beautifully asymmetrical and leans precariously to the east.  This will probably cause it's ultimate demise when the next big wind storm occurs.  Or one that is coming in the nearish future.  

Yellow birch

I love the tenacious nature of these old beauties. They represent the toughness that age can bring.  The way that you can see the essence of the real self, but the exterior changes.  You are still you, but life has given you the tools to become brave, to weather storms and possibly do things that you never in this life would you think you would do.  

Still trying to produce new life as its own nears it's end

This has been a weekend of ups and downs- the closer I get to summer the more unsettled I feel.  It is hard to transition into summer, tho I CRAVE it this year like you can't believe.  But the end of the school year will signal a big change in my life and I am not looking forward to that.  On the other hand, so many amazing adventures are on my calendar or in the works and that makes me excited, anxious and nervous as well.  So it has been a weekend of being worried and feeling like I perhaps am not good enough for all these plans. People inadvertently make me feel this way, though I know it isn't their intention. But there is something that is always making me question my self worth, my ability to be the person that other people need me to be.  But I need to be true to myself first.  A constant struggle in my mind.  I think it is just the imminent changes that are coming.  

I love the grace with which these old landmarks are growing old.  I hope that they are around for a very long time yet, I enjoy their continued presence on my weekly journeys to the west.  But when they go, I will have my photos and my memory of them.  And that will give me some joy as things change as life goes on.

The lunatic fringe weighs in...

or the hidden reason why I didn't do the bench press contest today.... and how I am changing my way of eating.

Ok, kids, if you don't want to delve into the inner workings of my mind, I suggest you find another blog to read today.  This is something that will be totally uninteresting to some (I would say that it would be to almost everyone, but what do I know?) and yet I have  been told that these types of posts are very inspiring/thought-provoking/helpful.....  ok.  You've been warned.

As many of you  know, I hit my goal weight of a random (this is right- random) sort back in December.  It was an even number of some sort, I am not sure what one.  If it was 75 pounds from my highest weight or some such thing, so really there was no good reason for it.  OH, it may have been the number that would have put me into "normal" on the BMI charts, which I have come to discover are a blatant lie and should be disregarded.  If you have any sort of muscle tone, they say you are in the over weight category, when clearly you are not.  And if you are messing with the mind of a person desperately trying to be normal after lifetime of being heavy, well, those sorts of number just rule your world.  And a thinnish person is not "overweight" at all but thinks they still are, but try telling them that.

So since then I have been in maintenance and if anyone ever tells you this is the easy part, don't believe them.  BUT people for GOD SAKES don't tell anyone they will just gain it back or regale them with tales of how your second cousin once removed lost 124.2 pounds and then gained it back 2 years later...  not helpful and very destructive.  Quit that- really.  

One would think that over the summer one would drop weight so easily that people would accuse you of not eating- but that is not the life that I lived this summer.  The life I lived, while was full of activity and weight training also included good food, Margaritas in Bayfield and unabashed treating of myself and plenty of mindless eating and that is where I got myself into trouble.  Well sort of.  Ah yes it was a wonderful summer.....

School begins and I can't help but notice that I have snugger pants than I had 6 months ago, which is not what I had wanted to happen obviously.  sigh.  I haven't been on the scale for a long time, as I have been trying so hard to adopt a different way of thinking. (And I seriously didn't want to know) I have been reading the blog of NiaShanks who believes, as I have come to believe, that you should really just stop following the psycho rules that have emerged around the diet and exercise industry.  Basically, eat what you like, as long as it is clean and healthy and get in the gym, workout and get out.  (AND I want to be a beautiful badass!!  :) ) No need to spend your whole life in the gym or on the elliptical or treadmill or even running/walking endlessly.  There is a whole bunch of aspects to this and I like it.  I like the idea of not having to fret and stress over food- not making food a good or bad thing, but something you eat!  I know this is obvious, but seriously, how many of you have that simple of a relationship with food?  

I know there are some- the "naturally thin" people who for whatever reason can stop eating when they are full and eat when they are hungry.  Many of us know that such things are indeed logical, but are not what happens.  Throw in that old friend stress or emotional eating and you have a monkey wrench in the works.  Cut to another random internet stroll and I found another website where the person actually discusses emotional eating!  Basically, this one says that the reason one has emotional eating issues is that you have unaddressed emotional issues.  Hmmmm, well duh that makes sense!!  And so she goes on to say that if you do have emotional eating, you need to address those issues.  Well honey, that is not all that easy either.  So, that was rolling around with this other stuff and I had a bit of an aha moment.

In the category of emotional issues that aren't addressed, I have a hard time with that. What am I stressed about when i see the jar of peanut butter in the cupboard and I WANT IT NOW??  WHO the hell knows.....   I do know one reason I get stressed is not having things at school be as prepared as I would like.  So the problem there is that I need to get to the gym- so the time crunch kills me.  I KNOW how ironic this all is when you reflect on my previous statements regarding the website, but I have to spend time on me.  I also have some real self esteem things that have been present  my entire life- but how long can an adult go on blaming their problems (this is not an exhaustive list- just an example) on not feeling like you were loved equally by a parent??  Look at the facts, the parent shows their love to different children in different ways and sometimes I imagine that one child or another might have a personality that works better with  yours.  Idk, I have always enjoyed my children for what they are, but who knows if that is how they saw it.  Kids are weird and perceive things in a weird way, and if you think back to any incidents in your own childhood that were suddenly clear to you because you looked at them as an adult, you know what I mean.  We all have our things, and there are more that I will not be going into here, and most of them I just can't deal with myself right now.  One thing at a time I guess.  Oh and there is that whole-- I have been heavy my whole life and I still have a hard time believing I will stay looking like this-- thing.  There is a lot of that in the soup, that's for sure.

Which leads me to the benchpress contest that I referenced at the beginning of this tale.  I had seen a sign up for the Triple B bench press contest that was held today a while ago, but had sort of forgotten about it, since I had it in my mind that when I hit benching 170 I would be "ready" to join that team. So it was something I didn't think too much about.  Also, seriously, I never expect to compete in anything so, you know....  Even though that carrot is out there and I really do want to do that.  So about a week ago, a few people started asking me if I was doing it.  Well to me that was a bit late, I wasn't trained for it, I wasn't psyched for it and I didn't think that I was really good enough.  AND-- **newsflash-this just in**-- PEOPLE!!  I DIDN'T WANT TO WEIGH MYSELF!!!!!! If you refer up to the above paragraphs, you will notice that I was in de-nial- or at least in notwanttoknow-nial.

So yeah, moment of self awareness happens (I honestly bounce along through life not know what the hell I am doing or why often.  SO OFTEN) and I decide that inspite of the fact that I am fully dressed and fed and coffeed I got on the scale and I also decided that I wasn't going to let it ruin my f-ing day.  I said that to myself too.  I curse a lot to myself.  Sorta helps. Try not to let it slip out too much!  :)

Well it didn't ruin my day and it wasn't as bad as I thought.  So that is good but it isn't good.  It was pointed out to me by a very awesome person that this 11 pounds (omg) isn't that bad and it can be gone in about 11 weeks. (are you sure??)  That was a good way to look at it really.  AND I will not be gaining any more weight again.  So, my next step was to buck up and post a gain on loseit and of course in its infinite wisdom it dropped me down to weight loss mode, which I am not going to do again.  I can't take the stress and the hunger and the battle.  I understand that the battle is with myself everyday- and a battle it is.  BUT I am not going to have this website sidetrack me from my new attitude.  So I promptly deleted all those notifications and all and changed my goal to my present weight and I will proceed from here.  I will use it to keep track of my food and exercise, but I am not going to worry about what the bar graph is saying.  I want to change my focus.  I want to not have to think about my food and exericse every single second of the day.  There are other things to think about and do.  Like go for a walk or a bike ride or do some art or blog something......  HEAVEN knows that I have a lot of plans.

The trick here is to deal with this mind change I am trying to have.  You do  not judge yourself worth by a number on a scale (we should be repeating this stuff out loud), you do not vilify a food or yourself because you ate it, you should have that chocolate if you want it- 1 piece- and then be done with it.  But damn it, have that chocolate if you want it.  WHO CARES??  And then be done with it.  You do not feel like a failure because you did not walk for 2 hours and then do pushups and situps at home and then garden and clean house and stay active every minute of the day.....  A very hard change to be honoring what your body needs and not what you mind wants.  I am going to train and eat for the body I want, not because I hate the body I have.  Now isn't that a good idea!!??!!

So what is the lesson, the take away, the - oh that is what she was getting at!!! ? I want to wake up and eat something and not think much about it again until I notice I am hungry, and then eat something.  Rinse and repeat.  And those foods I do want to enhance my muscle development because I want to be in a few benchpress competitions, so I am going to train for that.  I will worry more about the number on the bar and WAY less about the number on the scale.  Because if i do what I am planning to here, I won't have to worry about the scale at all. But old Debi and  her issues will not go away quietly.  And perhaps it is unrealistic to imagine that that would be possible.  I don't want the essence of Debi to change, I just want to quit obsessing about what I am eating. I think I am a pretty good person to know.  I like bouncing through life unaware of what is propelling me forward- it suits me.  Like joy giving.  smiling. sunshine. and all that jazz- oh and don't forget the clouds and rain, we kinda need those too.  They give us some kick ass sunrises.  And that is always a joy!

And so it begins

SO, here is the beginning of our livingroom renovation......

I LOVE this pattern.... 

Some might ask WHY it took so long to redo this interesting snapshot of 70's color and paneling, but you know the answer to that if you know us at all.  That would have to do with 3 children..... and their playing, and their schooling and their college and then there is the AHEM- CABIN which apparently took precedence over the actual house!  But we won't be bitter here (for too much longer), and go on with it.  Obviously the bathroom renovation was the most important thing to me and that is why that sucker is done.  NEXT will be my tragedy of a bedroom, but that is for another blogpost! :) The MA has no idea what is about to hit him- hehehe.

The Mad-Middleson, Greg, suggested that I take a shot from one angle every day, and so I am taking a shot from 3 angles. Of course I already fell down in that regard, as I did not get all three angles last night when we finished up as much as we were going to do.  So I will rectify that in a little while. So for now, this is what I have. Obviously the first pictures are with the furniture in it.  Right after this was taken we trudged back to the cabin to get the drill- **inserteyeroll** and then we were off to the races. I enlisted the elusive Mike to come over and help move furniture.  As strong as I am, I am too short!!!  I have a hard time being able to get a good hold on big things like that stupid couch, which I acknowledge and make alternate accommodations for - like calling 6 ft tall son to the rescue.  I am thrilled to note that I was able to carry boxes of books up the stairs with out any issue, I think back a few years and it would have been an issue!!  YAY!

I made a LOT of trips out to the dumpster last night!  After the trek out to the cabin, mrcrankypants MA's "broken ankle" (which may have been-oops) was hurting and I ended up dragging all that trim and paneling and some of the carpet (that stuff is heavier than one would think) outside.  Did you know there is dumpster etiquette???  Seriously!!!  I did not put it in neatly enough. Apparently one can't just leave pieces sticking out above the top of said large metal container.  Who knew??  No wonder I slept well last night.  

Anyway, then I have a few pix that include a good shot of a BEAUTIFUL hardwood floor under the carpet of disgrace.  BEAUTIFUL.  I mean, really, why??????  WHY cover that?  Well I know why, because it looked horrible with the 1970's era paneling.  I can't even.  I have some issues with paneling- and fortunately I don't have to resolve them.  I really wanted to have a ceremonial burning of the paneling AND the carpet in the middle of the driveway, but I was given stern looks and reminded of nails and toxic fumes and such...... oh FINE!

I also have a pic here of the retro wall paper that actually has sort of a sun pattern to it, which I really do sort of love!  I am not sure why, but I do.  Unfortunately there is no way to save any of it, as it is very fragile and brittle.  sigh.  AT any rate, I will enjoy the clean awesome old new floor, the clean awesome walls and ceiling and all the new electrical work that is about to be done.  I am very excited!!!

Expect updates!!!!

Children- prepare yourselves- the clock will NOT be making a return appearance.

With furniture

This light will not be gracing my new livingroom!

Mental note: clean off crap on side of frig for heaven's sakes

Without furniture or carpet

Discussing the paneling

Removing staples from the floor

funky, cool wall paper

You can see where the livingroom wall used to be the original house's outside wall.  As much as I like the wall paper
I am glad I did not have to look at it for the last 30 years.....  hmmmm paneling-wallpaper.  Idk, it's a tossup.

Good old Mike, I think I'll keep him!!

If I take a few more pix, they will be inserted under here in an update.  But I think this should take care of it mostly.  

I love having things change, as I said before, I just don't like waiting for the change.  Makes me nervous.  And antsy and it took a long time to fall asleep last night, but once I did I was out.  So today I have to KICK out the painting of the stage stuff as we only have a WEEK LEFT!!! EEEEEEEK!!!  

Until next time- that would actually be tonight or tomorrow morning- be a joy giver!!