Do I really have to?

 It has been an interesting time here in the land of Oswald, what with odd gurglings and late in the weekend, backups and goo in the kitchen sink and bathtub.  Just because why the hell not.  Without going into gory, gooey detail, I am fortunate enough to have a plumber (and actually an electrician) who I rarely bother but can text if something arises.  And they come fairly swiftly, which makes me their biggest fan.  Ever.  Anyway, I was waiting for my wonderful plumber and son this morning, with nothing on my radar except being able to use my sink, bathtub and extraordinarily important dishwasher again. In less than an hour an old pipe was replaced and I was on my way to running the dishwasher full of a few days worth of dishes.

Sitting there in relief after they left, I was wondering what to do next.  It is cool outside today, but very wet from the rain last night.  I dont have to do anything really and it would just be a muddy, soggy mess to garden.  So, what to do? Inside,  I have plenty of options.

I was turning over some possibilities and had that old adage of "what would you do if today was your last day" float through my head and I was thinking about meaningful things to accomplish. I thought about what would be an important, satisfying  thing to do. Something that was visible.  I mean what if it was?? My last day??  Do you really want your people to look through your dresser and think what a messy, hoarder of art supplies and grandchildren art you are? 

Well, seriously, no.  However..... this seems a little like a western world sort of idea- if you aren't accomplishing something, are you even worthy?  Do I really have to live my days like it could be my last??  Is that necessary?  

I mean, there are people I would go see or call if that were true.  Maybe a place to visit, or a book to read or a blog to post to.  But cleaning out my dresser isn't one of them.  Perhaps I am interpreting it the wrong way, but you know what I mean, I think.  Because making my house and belongings look like I am not anything less that a superstar of cleanliness is not going to be on that particular agenda.  So,  I think I will just let the day unfold.  

I get secretly stressed out when house issues arise, especially when I used all the tricks I have in my arsenal to fix that plumbing issue.  It bothered me a lot. It probably calls back to the day when a plumber was not particularly easy to contact.  I personally deal with most of the stuff like that that comes up, as my mother always told me to do it myself.  "Men are usually not around when you need them anyway".  lol.  My mom was a hoot,  and correct for the most part.  Some men do not have those skill sets or they are at work and can't do more than message/call a professional anyway.  Or try to make me the go-fer, which I am not a good one of those.  Too defiant.  So, I just do it myself.  Now if I need a tree cut down or the lawn mowed, things shoveled, cabins built, a driveway "fixed" (iykyk*)  or any number of other things, I got a guy here who is pretty good at that stuff.  Oh and accounting too.  He's really good at that.  

So anyway, I think I am going to make a leisurely lunch and unload the now finished dishwasher and probably paint some beehives, because that color gives me joy.  Not because of some stupid saying that has taken up space in my mind for who knows how long.  Another false cultural idea to pitch out onto the burn pile.  

Anyway, that is my thought for the day.  I dont know where these things are coming from, but lately I am challenging a lot of things I used to "know" to be true.  Its an interesting experience. I have ideas but that is another post some day. 

Challenge your beliefs. A lot of them are just not serving you.  Throw them on the burn pile. You got this.

*if you know, you know

BIRTHDAY MONTH

 AND.....

 it's BIRTHDAY MONTH BABY!!!

photos

 One thing I know for sure is that I have definitely neglected my photography.  If there is something I need to do to regain my sense of self, this is one of them.  

I can see how this happened.  Some practical/computer issues put a big damper on them.  To make a sad sob story short, I had to get a new cordless mouse and while using it my fingers accidentally clicked or something and I unclicked a setting in my editing software, and I had no idea what I did.  It took a while, and several videos and pleading text messages but several MONTHS later I have it now resolved.

Lake Superior near Duluth- I dont think this is going to be the final version of this photo.

I also had a creative block you could say, where I had a hard time with subject matter.  Many reasons for this, but I think I have worked my way through that one.  I have such freaking high expectations for myself.  Its a problem.  

I did some editing this weekend, but I had some house issues (dear god, the shit just never ends sometimes) and I was quite distracted.  I am going to give it a go today again.  At least it rained!

Basically I am getting in my own way- which has been known to happen.  So, I am clearing my path and doing what I want.  I have made plans for a few more getaways and one more yet in the planning stage.  THESE are things that I need to do. 

Onward!  I have a new abandoned building on another camera from this one, and that will be this afternoons goal.

Lets try this again

 Hello again. Its been a while...

So I have a draft all full of angst and reasons and discussion and gnashing of teeth sitting in my queue and I just dont know if it is all necessary.  That happens to me sometimes when I am working through shit.  Which is what I am doing right now.  There is likely going to be a few things with no actual context here, but its what I need to do right now.

To cut through all the verboseness that is me, I had an inconsequential, yet jarring thing happen to me right at the very start of my June getaway and it rattled me enough to ask myself a very difficult question.  At the heart of it all is an acquired lack of confidence or hutzpah that I used to have.  I've turned into a mass of goo in my inner core; instead of a crunchy, sweet, spicy center, I have angsty goo.  Not a fan.

My brain blurted out who the hell even are you anymore.  I see myself as a result of trying to make all the people "like me", and it isn't really working out well. A mixture of retiring and covid and personal choices and lack of structure has resulted in a lot of anxiety.  I find it hard sometimes to imagine why or how I can be a value to anyone.  Of course when I mention this to a close friend or two, they tell me how its not true, but I really have moments of doubt.

But if there is one thing I learned when I quit dieting and had some significant life coaching, it is that my thoughts are not always my truth.  So I am on a quest to find truth.  I have filled the days since the structure of my days that was my well loved job, was removed from my life (by my choice, mind you. And overall I do not regret it) with things to hopefully fulfill me.  And a lot of it just rings hollow.  I am doing things I think will be good for me, and mostly they just fill the time.  

I have had several things present themselves to me over the last few days- Instagram posts, emails, ideas - that have rung true.  Removing things and people who do not serve me, finding my joys and inspirations, value the people who are the most important, both near and far. I'm trying not to imagine what people think of me or what the future holds because I truly don't know.  We shall see and time will tell.  The things I worry about the most are usually not a problem, and much of it just doesnt matter.

I have no idea what isnt serving me yet, but I feel that is surfacing.  I am not sure what I need to bring back into my life, to find my joy, but some of those things are starting to bubble up as well.  I need to find my authentic self again.  So many things have changed me, and I almost never have resisted.  Overall, I have a lot of good things in life.  But something is missing.

If you know what that is, please let me know.  Lol.  As for the other post, I probably will let that sit for a while and see what happens.  Blogger has changed a bit since I last posted, so I have no idea if anyone will even see this.  And if that is true then I guess that is fine too.  This is a way of me figuring my way through some powerful words and forces that have appeared lately. I know that writing makes me feel the power, and I know that my art does as well.   

I scanned through my posts to see when I started this  blog and it was back in 2011.  Wow!  What I like is how this has been a nice way to record odd things that happen that I would never remember.  Or save big events in picture form.  I feel like maybe I should do that again.  Maybe that is something that will begin my journey back to me.  

A thought for today, and some information

Hey!

So the information first, apparently the thing where you get an email, if that is how you subscribe too this craziness here is going away in July.  why- I have no idea. There is a way to download the subscribers, I guess.  I don't even know if I want to know how that even works.  So if that is how you know I have posted, that apparently wont be the case anymore.  I get the feeling google doesn't want to deal with blogger so much anymore.  

I had this thought come to me yesterday, while I was dealing with some weird thing.  Being an adult in life- it is like you are trying to hop from rock to rock in a raging river.  Just when you get to the next rock and you see that you have made it, there is the next rock.  You never can get very comfortable, there is always some wave in the river trying to get to you.  I feel like that literally all the time.  Retirement, boy weren't we lucky to get out when we did, but then there is health, and your friends and family with issues, and some indeed experiencing the end of life.  All the things you think you will learn and do, and so many other things get in the way. Most of them happen in your own head.

Hop, whew made it to the next rock.  Oh dang it, I cant stay on this rock- I'm going to try to make it to the next one.  Oh yay, safe.  Oh wait nope.  How to get to the next one.  Maybe this rock will be better.  but it sort of never is.

Nothing drastic is happening to me, don't read more into it than necessary (which by the way, I am famous for reading far more into things that necessary).  Just so many expectations, disappointments, challenges and goals.  things to look forward to and an occasional regret.

Hop. step.  Can't stay here, move forward .....

Well that didnt last too long...

 Hey there again- 

I am glad to say that my instinct to go for a walk was the right thing to do.  I felt like I was walking through mud my legs felt so heavy, but at least being in the sun was helpful.

Speaking of sun, the snow is nicely receding and while the yard is still full of snow, the field around the house is becoming devoid of said nasty white stuff.  This is indeed a wonderful thing.  Got some sunny coming yet again tomorrow before few cloudy days.  It gets above freezing for the day but below for the night, which will translate to some good maple syrup production this year I am thinking.  I hope to get to Jane and Rogers place this coming week to do my yearly tradition of helping gather a little sap.  Or at least accompanying Jane on her rounds.

Tomorrow I get the pleasure of going to help the mad-plant lady (formerly the mad-science teacher) transplant baby plants.  I am indeed looking forward to this.  Especially since rumor has it there might be cake involved and I can get behind that! And I really need to spend time with people.  People who talk to me.....  to say I am delighted is an understatement.

Tomorrow also is a total day off of any exercise because, you guys, my god, my body hurts.  I don't remember what I said a few hours ago, but I was able to easily do decent squats during my peloton legs and glute workout yesterday and that turned out to be quite unpleasant today.  I thought that riding the bike would help work that soreness out, but I thought wrong.  Hence the walking through mud feeling this afternoon.  I can also feel distinct tightness in my shoulders and back, so I did get a good workout....  I just have to keep a lid on that over-enthusiastic rediscovery of abilities.

Having the strength training really was a great start - I am glad I had those weeks of training before the bike came.  But I **think** that the bike itself has done wonders for my knees.  Time will tell.  Meanwhile this is freaking awesome to standup with out swearing inside my head. Lol

I am so sleepy right now I think I am babbling.  So I guess I will go join the MA and not watch whatever stupid western or world war 2 tv show he has on....  goodness.  I will read or play a game of candy crush or most likely- both.

Thanks for reading!  And I am very grateful to be back to my normal happy-ish self.  

Mind shifting

 The day started off just fine, I was a little stiff from the exercise I did yesterday.  Coffee tasted pretty good, I got on the Peloton (which I named, but I don't remember what it was), expected a friend to be on with me but was not- but that is ok.  No biggie.  I did well on that and then rested because I was tired!

Lunch, the MA wasn't annoying or anything, and I had something left from yesterday for myself.  So far so good.  But, under it all I was a little off, and unfortunately it doesnt take much to push me over that line.  I am fine, don't get me wrong, but I am feeling the effects of giving out too much again.  This is what I do.  I am my friends best cheerleader, counselor, sounding board.  And I like the give and take of that.  Lately I have been doing a lot of giving.  And it caught up with me.  

I found myself again repeating the same sort of advice (for lack of a better term, more like pep talk) which was promptly ignored and it made me exasperated.  With everyone everywhere.  

I could feel my mood plummet and the tears rose.  So I need to just get out of the house I think.  It is nice out, so I guess I will take a walk.  Still alone.  I have had my second vaccine and I can actually go where I want again.  But that hasn't registered at all yet.  Thanks a lot Covid for stealing my joy, you jerk.

Anyway, there is no solution or brushing this away.  It just will take time.  I'm hoping the sun will help too.  I keep thinking today is Sunday, but indeed it is not.  And tonight is sucky daylight savings time.  I think that should go away.  

But positives:  I got my second vaccine, it is sunny and not snowing, I have a lot of people who care.  I have amazing children and grandchildren, and I did get to retire at the exact right time it seems.  But being home alone all the freaking time is not good.  at all.  the end.  

So I am going to go outside and hope my brain finds its way back to perfectly fine like it was only an hour ago.  I need summer and people and travel.  not necessarily in that order. 

Have a good weekend.  to the 3 people who read this when I don't post it on Facebook.  lol. you all are awesome. mwah.