Lets try this again

 Hello again. Its been a while...

So I have a draft all full of angst and reasons and discussion and gnashing of teeth sitting in my queue and I just dont know if it is all necessary.  That happens to me sometimes when I am working through shit.  Which is what I am doing right now.  There is likely going to be a few things with no actual context here, but its what I need to do right now.

To cut through all the verboseness that is me, I had an inconsequential, yet jarring thing happen to me right at the very start of my June getaway and it rattled me enough to ask myself a very difficult question.  At the heart of it all is an acquired lack of confidence or hutzpah that I used to have.  I've turned into a mass of goo in my inner core; instead of a crunchy, sweet, spicy center, I have angsty goo.  Not a fan.

My brain blurted out who the hell even are you anymore.  I see myself as a result of trying to make all the people "like me", and it isn't really working out well. A mixture of retiring and covid and personal choices and lack of structure has resulted in a lot of anxiety.  I find it hard sometimes to imagine why or how I can be a value to anyone.  Of course when I mention this to a close friend or two, they tell me how its not true, but I really have moments of doubt.

But if there is one thing I learned when I quit dieting and had some significant life coaching, it is that my thoughts are not always my truth.  So I am on a quest to find truth.  I have filled the days since the structure of my days that was my well loved job, was removed from my life (by my choice, mind you. And overall I do not regret it) with things to hopefully fulfill me.  And a lot of it just rings hollow.  I am doing things I think will be good for me, and mostly they just fill the time.  

I have had several things present themselves to me over the last few days- Instagram posts, emails, ideas - that have rung true.  Removing things and people who do not serve me, finding my joys and inspirations, value the people who are the most important, both near and far. I'm trying not to imagine what people think of me or what the future holds because I truly don't know.  We shall see and time will tell.  The things I worry about the most are usually not a problem, and much of it just doesnt matter.

I have no idea what isnt serving me yet, but I feel that is surfacing.  I am not sure what I need to bring back into my life, to find my joy, but some of those things are starting to bubble up as well.  I need to find my authentic self again.  So many things have changed me, and I almost never have resisted.  Overall, I have a lot of good things in life.  But something is missing.

If you know what that is, please let me know.  Lol.  As for the other post, I probably will let that sit for a while and see what happens.  Blogger has changed a bit since I last posted, so I have no idea if anyone will even see this.  And if that is true then I guess that is fine too.  This is a way of me figuring my way through some powerful words and forces that have appeared lately. I know that writing makes me feel the power, and I know that my art does as well.   

I scanned through my posts to see when I started this  blog and it was back in 2011.  Wow!  What I like is how this has been a nice way to record odd things that happen that I would never remember.  Or save big events in picture form.  I feel like maybe I should do that again.  Maybe that is something that will begin my journey back to me.  

Back to it

New beginnings- a new year to come.  A friend of mine said she felt like this is way more like "New Year" than Jan. 1 and I definitely agree.  In January nothing changes, really, but today, everything does.  

We all teach, but there are new kids, new classes, new dynamics.  If you are like me, there are new lessons and ideas,  new co-workers in some cases.  As a rule this is good, unless, like me this morning you roll over, look at the time, get up and literally as you SIT UP you remember something you did NOT do yesterday.  sigh.  So I will be leaving for work slightly early.  I should have time to make up this presentation, as I don't have to have it until this afternoon.  It would have helped to look at my to do list, but I relied on my "memory".  Oy.

Anyway, I met some interesting and enthusiastic new 9th graders yesterday.... lets just say that there are some kids that are going to fit nicely into my art department.  Cute- it is all just so cute.  I also got several enthusiastic hugs in the hall - which I totally love as well.

So, I don't want to spend too much time here this morning, as I have to get myself up and going and get ready and the MA always wants to take my picture by the door like we did for the kids when they were growing up.  He's such a maniac sometimes. Lol.

I am really tired this morning, we had open house last night until 7:30- in retrospect, perhaps having a day in between may have been a good idea- which is what we used to do.  The calendar really should be determined by the people who live it.....  and I will leave that idea laying there by itself.

So, my next cup of coffee is calling, and I have my clothes ready for me, and it is going to be a beautiful day.  New beginnings.

And from where I am standing, it is the start of a joyful new year!

End of summer musings and a picture post

Today starts school again, and while it is sad to have summer finished, I feel very unfocused in the summer.  I like that part of me, I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want and it really suits me.  I have been accused of flitting from thing to thing, of whiling away my time,  of exercising all day, of NAPPING (which I did exactly like 3 times this summer), of daydreaming my time away!  Welcome to the land of Debi!  That is me - in a nutshell! But that side of me needs the focused and driven side of me for counterpoint, so here we go.

Glory in the sky

A hint of fall

I think that summer offers me time to think and be.  I need the time off from the stresses of school to be able to become creative again.  By the end of school all creativity is gone, we ALL are in survival mode.  It is hard to be an artistic person when you are overwhelmed by all the things that happen at the end of May, nothing bad about any of it.  It is what it is!  But creativity and artistic is a huge part of what I am, and that part needs to be refueled and refreshed.  My neurons are firing on overtime right now, thinking of things for me to do with my HS kids, with my littles, and some things I want to do for myself.  

Summer endings

Morning glow

A shadow of my former self?  A shadow of my present self!

Butternut Creek on Trout Rd

Shadows

So I am up early and will be into school early today- because beginnings are exciting, new is thrilling for me..... I thrive on positive change and survive through the negative sort.  It will be interesting to see what kind of year this is, I am hoping for positive!   After all, finding joy is a driving force inside of me.