Elusive and wearisome

Ah sleep  elusive, transitory, phantom, fugitive.  Can you fall asleep at night and can you stay asleep? It all seems so simple, but no. 

Virtually every night for the last several months I consider my sleep capabilities.  Usually while turning from side to side, adjusting my position, rearranging this hair, fighting with the pillows..... and thinking about why I am no longer one of those "I can fall asleep standing up" sort of people.  Those people need to just stop it.  The rest of us just don't want to hear it.

Anyone falling into this category needs to just stop  lol

I start to notice every night how sleepy I am at about 9 pm.  Am I sleepy enough that I will be able to easily fall asleep? What if I am not?  Should I take something or try to let myself to relax. WINE??  TEQUILA??????  What if I don't fall asleep.  How much will I suffer for it the next day?  Why does the music in my brain not STOP WHEN I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS???  I really like it when I am reading and I start to nod off- that is a super good sign for me....  I make sure my teeth are brushed in advance and I make a dive for my bed.  But those nights are few and far between.

THEN there is this when I get into bed:   I have to move my hair off of my neck and from under my face.  The pillow has to be smoothed down so as to be not reflecting any breath back onto my face.... I can't stand being breathed on when I am trying to fall asleep, even my own breath.  There can be no huge wrinkles or bumps in the sheet or pillow case.  I can't be too hot. I have to arrange the extra blanket over my shoulders which get cold and not over my feet which get too warm.  Sometimes.   Etc, etc, etc.  It is exhausting.  Which is ironic because I JUST want to go to sleep.

I recently was directed to a sort of  pretty good article about sleep, mostly some "expert" talking about how even if you get by on 5 or 6 hours of sleep you really will be better off getting more.  Then they discussed how when you get--- ahem--- older, your sleep changes.  And you rarely will sleep super soundly for 6  or more hours and rambled on about less REM sleep and blah blah blah.  While it is sort of comforting to know that trouble sleeping or having interrupted sleep is normal as we age, I didn't need said dumb-ass expert telling me that it is not good for me.  Like usual, we are shamed for things that our body is doing without us having any control over said sleep patterns.  Sorry/not sorry that this article was helpful/not helpful, you dumb-ass expert.  

And as you can most likely tell, I am tired today.  I usually do fine (I don't care what anyone writing an internet article says) on 6 or less hours of shut-eye, but today is not one of them.  The Mad-Oldest son is here for deer hunting, we stayed up late and SOME BODY in the house started snoring in my ear within 10.2 seconds of him closing his eyes.  That sort of ticks me off- he's one of "those" people. You know, snoozing in a chair every freaking night.....  sigh.  **jealousy**  Anyway, lets just say the couch isn't my favorite place to sleep, even if it is just until I can finally fall asleep.  Let's just say 2.5 hours is not good enough.

BAHAHAHA  #truestory

So yeah I am whining about sleeping.  Many of my faithful friends might recommend a nap, but Debi doesn't nap lest it wreck her night's sleep.  Now isn't that a paradox?? Oy.  

Meanwhile, I need a couple new pillows, as mine sort of suck.  I actually can tell how fast I will fall asleep by how comfortable my pillow feels when I lay down.  If it feels soft and amazing and I snuggle right in, I know my mind will turn off and I will fall asleep in 10-20 min.... if it feels like it has rocks instead of feathers.....  well then that is a problem.  I'm pretty sure I need counseling.  haha.

So there is no real point, solution or meaning for this post.  I just wanted to write out something I lay in bed and compose at least 4 out of 7 nights.  Maybe having the words out there will help.  MAYBE I was missing my blog and needed to get back at it.  It seems I left us all hanging in Portland!!  We didn't even make it to Rockaway beach yet!  Not to mention all the pictures I have taken since.

So I might post again today, as I am full of nonsensical words and disjointed thoughts and that just could be a hoot and a half for all of us.

And I already am thinking of my bedtime tonight.  Until that moment comes, find your daily dose of joy!

So if you could just do this for me...

Good morning ridiculous brain, this is your leader speaking.

If you could just relax for a minute and a half and fall asleep and stay asleep at a decent hour, that would be great.

You have no reason to be pinging worries all night long.  Your life is going fine.  For the most part...

That is all.

Debi

PS while you are not sleepy now, you might be this weekend and we just can't have that.

A whole lot of meh today

Usually Friday is my favorite day of the week- the working week that is.  For obvious reasons- the weekend is coming, duh, and for other more personal reasons, such as the nice chunk of prep time I have, but only on Friday and the fact that I get to eat with other adults on Fridays, too.  AND I have great classes in the afternoon.....  so it is rare that I wake up in a sort of funk.

But indeed that happened today, and it was in no small measure because for the 3rd day in a row, for no obvious reason, I slept horrible.  Had a hard time falling asleep and woke up a number of times.  It was irritating, and I have a feeling being a little bit sleepy didn't help my mood. It has been an interesting week at school, to say the least and I was a little short with the silliness of the high schoolers today.  But, they know this is rare and will be happy to see the real me on Monday.

I went home with full intention of spending the whole afternoon and evening outside maybe weeding, but I just wasn't feeling that either.

Yeah, well, I have been alluding to the fact that I am sort of sick of tax season- and that definitely has something to do with it.  I know all about how long the MA has been working, like until 9, for the last few weeks, but it really gets to me too.  Anyway, that and along with the loss of my partner in adventure-- and I am struggling.

Yesterday I listened to a really interesting podcast, and a portion of it was a discussion of introverts and extroverts.    This person postulated that the true definition of an introvert is that they are recharged by being alone and that extroverts get their energy from being with other people.  It seems this is an accurate definition, and know for a fact that I am indeed an extrovert.  While I need my alone time- daily- for an hour in the morning and a wind down time in the afternoon, I definitely know that I recharge from other people.  It is why I teach what I do, it is why I communicate with a few people multiple times a day, and lots of people occasionally.  I still maintain that I am on the shyer side of extrovert- though it may not seem like it- I really have a hard time talking with some people that I come across.  I am sure that most people feel this way, but I still feel sometimes like the little girl who was mostly mute when encountering new people.

That podcast was quite interesting to listen to because it made so much sense.  And when I was going through my day of sad, I could begin to understand the reasons behind it.  Of course, I have been left to my own devices for several months- which at the beginning is always a nice thing.  I am in charge of the remote and I run my schedule without too much regard to the other person in the house.... but I am ready to be chauffeured around at sunset with my camera in tow, and having someone to chat with for longer than the few minutes in the morning and evening.  I like being alone, but I am ready for a change.

My adventure partner issue is a little more complex, but I am hoping now that I will have 2 kayaks I can lure and entice my friends to come and have fun with me!!  :)  I can outfit them from boat to paddles to life jackets to dry bags and will definitely provide snacks and post paddle refreshments! The lack of a companion boat definitely was a limiting factor last year and I am looking forward to sharing my passion with others.  If you are reading this and want to play- TELL ME!!  The water will be a little warmer in May- it is super cold right now.  Just what I would need is to have someone go over and get hypothermia.

Anyway, I realize that I need more adult interactions to say the least.   And possibly some grandchildren interactions as well, as they come hand in hand with some of the best adults that I know.   It is kind of a cool thing to identify the issue and figure out ways to deal with it in a positive way.   It is cool, but it did not make my evening a whole lot more happy, but I know that happy isn't necessary every moment of the day. I think really I need to go to sleep.

So tomorrow I hope to find my joy again, wake up with a smile, tackle the beautiful 70 degree day in a positive way, take some PICTURES!!  and be a joy giver.  I hope your Saturday can be the best one possible.

Friday morning observations

I find I can sleep SOOOOO well on Friday morning- so well in fact I usually get up an hour or more after I plan to.  And as you know, no amount of exercise, relaxation, planning or praying can get you to sleep that well on Saturday morning! This is something that drives me crazy.  It would be so amazing on a Saturday morning to wake up at 5 am, look at the clock, smile and think, I think I'll just turn over and lay here for a moment and then have it be 7 am.  No.  Just No.  That won't be happening, when I do that (only it will be closer to 4), I will turn over, think about laying there for a bit longer, and then be wide awake within 30 minutes.

Also, why is it when I feel sickish, the sun is out for days on end- DAYS!! And now when it appears I am on the mend and tomorrow is SATURDAY- we are supposed to get 3 - 5 inches of snow???  NOT FAIR PEOPLE!!!

Ok, I am done whining now!  :)

I did manage to go for a good walk yesterday, it wasn't super fast, but I got almost 5 miles in.  I walked over to the stone house and took a few pictures, but that will be a different post.  I have a bunch of photo editing to do from that yet.

I started another blog, it is merely a way for me to keep track of my elementary art lessons and at what point the kids left off- it is one I haven't told people about, or even given anyone a link for it, and yet I already have many page views- I find this weird.  How do people even find something like that??  Oh well.  It is not narrative at this point, it is merely a way for me to use pictures as a reminder.  I can walk into my elementary art room and seriously have no idea what I did with the kids the previous week - and for that matter what I did with a different set of kids the day before!  Schedules, days off, subs, concerts, early dismissals, unexpected interruptions all work together to totally throw off any possible syncing of art lessons for the elementary school. I am already happy with this method!  I have been able to add a few notes to the photos, but I can see on an insane day that just posting the pictures is going to give me a reminder.  And for any one who is judging me and saying that I should just put it on a calendar and write it in- I say- you have no IDEA what my day is like and how my brain works, so stop it.  So there, I feel better now.

On a REALLY positive note- I am coming up on a weekend where I have no obligations to deal with! No play, no company, no painting of any sort (er, um, well, I do plan to paint the arch) and I can try to reorganize my house, wash a LOT of clothes, clean a few more seriously dusty areas I have discovered and generally pull myself together!  AND I plan to do a little goofing off and I need to pick up my book club book, as I have some serious reading that I need to do- it has been TOO LONG!!

And yes, I AM enjoying my livingroom- a LOT!!  I love the color, I love the ceiling fan and the LIGHT!  I love the floor!!  It gives me joy!

Until next time, be a JOY giver!!  and a whole lot of joy will come back to you, too!

Random early morning blurry eyed statement

It is really awesome to always be able to feel your hip bones when you are walking!  HAHAHA

I really should still be sleeping, I am pretty hallucinatory right now!  ;)

Now to find some joy, somewhere!