Mind blown!

I had my mind blown a few times all in one day recently, not always in a good way, but that is ok too.  I briefly alluded to the first and not too fun one in some  previous posts.  Interestingly and sort of randomly, I also had a scientific discussion on that same day and was directed towards a theory of multiple universes.  I definitely am going to read up more on the parallel  or  many-worlds universe theory.  While I've heard of these in a vague way, I was fascinated with the whole thing. I wonder what I am up to in a parallel universe!?!  I like to think about stuff like that!  Sciencey stuff is so cool!

Anyway, on FaceBook,  I came across a blog post that I actually put on my own page.  It was so powerful and meaningful for me.  Mind-blowing.  This post was where I was about 2 years ago.  I have had a lot happen in the last 2 years, and I have wanted to write about my thoughts and actual experiences since, but have hesitated as I was unable to articulate it like I want.  I have made a few stabs at it, but the ideas that she states here were a jumping off point for me.

The After Myth- (on Can Anybody Hear Me blog by Lisa) is alluding to the widely held supposition that after you lose weight - get to your goal, become" fit and healthy"- how good life will be.  This is one of the biggest con jobs and/or fairy tales that exist in today's culture.  There is no "after" when you lose weight.  You suddenly (or not so suddenly) are "there" but you don't feel that way.  One morning after you step on the scale,  you are at this place that you are supposed to be free of all your troubles and you should have all your shit together and you really don't have to think about what you eat anymore, or you don't think you should have to, because after all- you are at goal weight.  Well, it doesn't happen that way at all.  Lisa surely has that right!

Up until that goal weight moment, I had been on a mission. I, like many people, had defined myself by a large period of time where I was losing weight.  Losing weight to the point of starving myself and crying over the fact that I ate more than half the dinner I had ordered one night - the plan being to take half home.  But I was so fucking hungry that I had a little more and a little more and the drink I was having might have made me eat more than I planned.  And I fell to pieces just because I NEEDED to get to a magical number on a scale. I remember this moment because somewhere deep inside I knew this sort of insanity was just wrong.

I actually had no idea what I actually looked like, as the ED and disordered thinking that had taken hold could only see that last bit of belly that was there, or the way my legs looked, or the fact that my muscle's definition hadn't yet occurred like I wanted.  I was defined by the fact that I was losing weight and I had a goal and I would have done ANYTHING, including exercising for 4 or more hours per day to achieve it.

God I'm exhausted just remembering it.  I spent so much money on all the "right" foods and supplements- organic this, high protein that, eating clean and leaving out evil things and replacing them with good things that don't taste nearly as good, but some blogger somewhere has deemed them the right thing to consume.

Anyway, back to after.  When I got to After I was freaking lost.  And frankly tired.  And that struggle continues to a degree.  If you aren't eating just the way you were before, it seems you are going to gain weight.  And I personally did.  And I struggled not to, but I couldn't not eat any more.  And then I got to feel like a failure again, convinced that I would regain all of my weight just like I lost it.  Because that was the only thing that was important in my mind, the number on the scale..... the size of my clothes.... and what am I going to eat.

I was so sick of thinking about stupid food every damn minute of my life.

I knew I had to change something.  I don't exactly remember how it all happened, but I started reading blogs by people who were looking to help others heal themselves and their weird ass relationship with food of all things. I read and I listened to podcasts and made little tiny adjustments in my thinking.  I learned that I should NOT let my self worth be dictated by what I put in my mouth.  Food is food- there is NO good or bad.  You eat it, it does not make you a virtuous or a bad person.  There should be no moral judgements about a person because of what they eat.  Eyes on your own plate people!  And while I still hear that Debi who wants to stress eat, and to worry about everything, and who still frequently feels less than worthy, I tell her everything is ok and let her relax.  And she is ok with that.

So fast forward here 2 years and guess what!!  I don't think about food all that much any more.  I wish I could tell the girl in the blog that her weight is seriously immaterial to living her life.  She touches on that very thing, but she is not really in the After yet like she thinks. She still is thinking about the numbers.  She is still concerned about her weight more than what she is gets to do today to be even more fantastic and make her life even more awesome- and sweetie, it has little to do with how much you weigh.

I really REALLY wish I could tell the girl that was me how weight loss, though important for my growth as a person, was not the final step. That the final weight I thought I would be at is SO not something that matters.  I have had an interesting personal journey that has had me quit doing a lot of things, including weighing myself.  Unfortunately,  I can't yet let myself know what that number is.  They occasionally are able to jolly me into getting me on the scale at the clinic, but I won't let them tell me and they honor that.  It still freaks me out to possibly know. Someday I won't care enough finally and will be able to know whatever that number is.  Does that make sense? 

The thing is that your weight will go up and down over your life.  You won't stay at that goal and you shouldn't feel like you have to.  In her blog, the writer states so poignantly that she still struggles with her weight- I wish I could tell her that she doesn't have to struggle at all.  Let your body do what it wants!  Once you work through some of the underlying actual issues (I recommend life coaching- HIGHLY.  PM me if you want info on the wonderful Anne-Sophie who is mine), you don't have to struggle with it much at all.  It is not simple, or easy, but it is a really good place to be.  You can't fall off the wagon if there is no wagon to fall off of.  Think about that for a while.....  weight comes and goes, you lose it you gain it.  Just like you have long hair or short.  It changes and never ever stays the same.  And it is good because you are still you.

 You are still you.  You are the same person that weighed 75 pounds more or less.  The same person when you weigh 25 or 30 pounds more than some crazy ass goal that you set for yourself.  The same scared, happy, emotional, sensitive person wearing a size 10 (or what ever) as the one who wore a size 18.  Your friends love you the same, your students love you the same, your family does too.  The weight loss does not make you better or worse, just different.  We need to live our life the best way we are able to in the moment that we in.  We should not be defined by our weight, our "diet" or our clothing size.  We are not a number on a scale.  We should not give one flying fuck what anyone thinks about how we look. The important person there is you and you alone.  Your self worth should not be dictated by a society, it should be internal and personal, dictated by your character and the way you love.

Let me make it clear, you do get treated differently by many people when you are thinner.  Life is easier if you fall into the parameters of what society feels is normal.  People treat heavy people like crap- and that is so unfair.  I hear my students talk about themselves in such a negative way sometimes and it breaks my heart.  I never miss the chance to tell them how beautiful they are, and their weight has nothing to do with it-  they are amazing!   And we need to tell ourselves that as well. 

Though it sounds like I am trashing my weight loss journey, I am NOT.  First of all, my life is so much the richer for getting strong. (Strong, not thin)  I do so much more in my day now that I am doing the things: things that challenge me, things that delight me, things that frighten me.  Fear has held me back for so so long. Losing weight gave me the courage to start weight training: my strength, both physical and mental, that I use now to push my boundaries and my limits.  But I do not regret the person I was before, because that is and was me.  Why does different than before have to be better or worse?  And the people that I have met during that particular time, virtually and in person, have enriched my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to quantify it.  So while I do wish I wouldn't have been so extreme, that just isn't me.  I tend to jump in with both feet and see what the heck happens later.  Underneath I am still very scared, and actually very shy and certainly insecure.  But you just don't see it, because I have gained so much more than I lost.

So, I guess my point is that I wish I could impart on people who are frantically trying to become some sort of after in their life, that they need to live in the now.  During!  You are not a work in progress, you guys.  You are not a project.  You don't need to be fixed.  You are amazing and perfect the way you are.  You don't have to kill yourself exercising for hours, you don't have to be hungry every minute, you don't have to try and hide yourself in black clothes or excuse yourself for how much you weigh.  Because when it all comes down to it, you have to live in your body and you have to do what you need to do.  Being thinner does very little to make you happy.  And life is way too short to feel guilty over what you eat.

Be a  joy giver, but don't be afraid to feel all the things that life gives you. You just never know what those things are going to be! Be brave, Debi!  :)

Unexpected and unseen- hidden truths

While frolicking around yesterday in a definite gleeful way, I discovered some things that weren't exactly expected.  Naturally, I should have seen many of these things coming, but my natural inclination, though hopeful, is to never expect anything too soon.  I enjoy waiting for things it seems (who knew??) and so when these little surprises show up before I think they are going to it is a delight.

Look who was on the tree when I went to try to take a pic of a BLUEBIRD!  Yay for spring

Now this was originally going to be another photographic post, but I see some other connections that I want to explore as well.  Note to some, if you are expecting only nature photography, this will not be the post for you.  It will be a little more personal, as this is part of the conversation with myself that I have been keeping quiet lately.  I am going to discuss this for a few reasons, mostly personal, but also I had a friend ask me in effect why I'd been so quiet on my blog lately.  So for this person, I am going to dive into this new part of my life, as they are thinking along the same lines as me.  And who knows, this might speak to others, who just didn't know that they needed speaking to!  I can't be all things to all people, but I am going to be true to myself.

Over the past few years, I have been on a transformative sort of journey- physically, emotionally and mentally.  When I began this blog it was a way to chit chat with people about my art, teaching and other things that I do.  It was surprising that it made a difference to some people, but you just never know who is going to need to hear your particular message for the day.  Not that I think my ideas are all that special, but it is what is important to me at that time.  I frequently compose my blog posts while walking and/or driving- times when my mind is free to drift a bit.  This one has been brewing for few months and it might be an ongoing theme, so bear with me.

SHUT UP- the daffodils are on the way!!

Many of you have followed along with me as I have lost weight and gained fitness using walking, the lovely gym I belong to and my use of the loseit app on my phone.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have had this little trifecta of awesome in my life.  The Loseit website has allowed me to find courage, gain strength in many ways, and get the confidence that I apparently needed.  It also blessed me with SO many people that are good friends of mine.  ANYONE who thinks that your internet friends are somehow less of a friend than your local friends are sadly mistaken.  By expanding my world through the internet, I have found a group of people that I am connected with by more than weight loss. We have similar interests, values, likes and dislikes and live in far flung areas around the US in most cases.  I can count on support and friendship from these wonderful people, in many ways that I  cannot get from those who live near me.  Not through anyone's fault, it just is the truth.  I do not have a daily conversation with all of the people I communicate with, but there are those who I not only have daily conversations with, but multiple times during a day.  We check in to see how the other is doing, share concerns and joys....  it is a spectacular thing.  There are others who I hear from once or twice a day and others still who I communicate with sporadically.  I have lost touch with some and there are others who I will reconnect with someday soon.

Scaredy-deer

So what does this have to do with anything??  Well, I do not want to diss the Loseit website, as it provided me with a tool to accomplish something that I needed to and gave me a way to find a new lease on life, to put it in a corny way.  Yet, there was something that bothered me.

All through my life, for as long as I can mostly remember, I have been concerned about my weight.  I remember having a girl on the bus tell me that I would grow out of my chubbiness. (NOTE- reviewing pix of my younger days I was NOT all that heavy, this is quite disturbing to me, actually), I must have expressed this to my mom, as I remember a few times she very kindly tried to steer me in the direction of healthy eating (though she used cigarettes to remain thin herself- also disturbing).  I was not shunned growing up, I had a great group of friends, but we were not the pretty or cool girls. (Oh yes, another sidebar- that has been refuted by a few people as well- hmm) So what happened?  Why did my weight go up and then down a bit and then up and so on.  Seriously I am not sure what all the factors are, but social pressures and suggestion was apparently at work, not to mention the use of food to soothe ones feelings, and the big fat old D word.  DIETING.

I have never thought of myself as a yoyo dieter.  I didn't in my mind gain and lose the same 20 pounds my whole life.  My journey was a little different than that, but that is just the details, the overall truth is that the outcome was still the same.  Every day I woke up and was going to "be good" and eat "healthy" and exercise and stay away from the "bad" foods and eat the "right" way, and every day I failed.  EVEN after I got to my goal weight ( oh honey, there is a whole 'nuther post about that coming) I realized and I may even have mentioned here somewhere that I NEVER ate perfectly.  Not one damn day did I eat like I was supposed to.  NOT ONCE in 2 years did I not eat something extra, or have some chocolate or god forbid a fucking cookie entered my mouth.  Even though I starved myself for the last 2 weeks before I hit that random goal weight - I felt relieved that I got there, but did not feel like I did it right.  I felt like I lucked out, and maybe I did luck out- some people never get to goal weight and then spend their life feeling even more like a failure.

THIS is just wrong.

So somewhere in the last  half year or so, because I had a really hard time with maintaining (read:continuing to follow a diet)  I started discovering and following some websites and people who are intuitive eating advocates.  Intuitive eating basically is trusting yourself to eat what you need.  It is not killing yourself with restriction and the resulting bingeing.  It is not punishing yourself for eating something with hours of exercise.  It is eating what you want, when you want, but it is NOT returning to your old way of eating either.  That is the thing that some people don't get.  MOST people don't get super heavy because they are just hungry ALL the time, they are eating because they have something that is bugging the crap out of them.  They are eating to drown out the voices in their heads and the voices from some people around them, telling them they are not good enough, that everything they are doing is wrong.  THAT is the emotional eating that everyone knows about and many of us do.  There are some lucky people who just don't do that so much, somewhere they learned coping strategies that don't involve food.  THIS is something that is hard hard work.(another post, another day)

I love finding surprises like this that just emerged from the snow

So I've been working on myself, I am a project.  Even though a corner stone of intuitive eating is that you are NOT a project to be fixed- you are perfect the way you are.  And I believe it, but I am trying to find other coping strategies and change my mindset.  I am learning to address my emotional and private issues through ways other than eating.  I am working on body image acceptance, because I absolutely admit to gaining some weight back, and there is no way that I am going to apologize for that.  THIS is major for me, as I was feeling really guilty about it.  Now all I want to do is have my pants fit again, and that is on its way to happening- for the most part.  I have no need to be a too thin size 6 again. I can't live that way.  I'm too freaking hungry, man- and weight lifting gives me a big old appetite. AND I would rather be strong and awesome than super thin and awesome.  I am getting advice and life coaching from a pretty amazing woman, who I may talk about another time, and this has been a God send.  Actually I have been talking myself through most of it, with her asking me leading questions.  Questions that I need to hear, some I had no idea I needed to answer, and all of them are part of my process and journey.  And best of all, I am starting to trust myself around food.  Seriously, this is an amazing story for Debi.

And Jac- there is Jac!

Yesterday, after having a bagel and some cream cheese for breakfast (yes siree, I had that demon creamcheese for breakfast and it was so good) I had a positively delightful morning that began with a massage.  My massages are the best- they are definitely a time for meditation, a time to allow my crabby lat muscle to release and begin healing again, and a time to feel good about myself.  I then went and helped a lady I know book plane tickets to go see her grandson's High School graduation in June,  then I went grocery shopping and finally made some initial editing progress on my photos. What a great morning!

Then I broke the MA out of his office and we went for lunch up in Butternut.  Schinebeck's Shanty makes a mean veggie burger (really well prepared) and I decided instead of having fries or their not real terrific salad (sorry, but iceberg lettuce doesn't cut it for me), I'd just stick with their chips.  The burger is big, and so I didn't need much more than that.  I was starving, too, but I get full fast and I am trying to not order too much, because it is so hard for me to leave food on my plate.  Well turns out the chips are these fresh fried ones, that they make themselves in the deep fryer and I tested one out and was blown away.  THEY WERE SO GOOD!!  I ate most of them first as they were sublime hot!  And then I had my veggie burger with the fried onions, lettuce, tomato and bbq sauce and was so content and full.  And I did NOT have one moment of regret over deep fried or chips or the onions or anything else, because I liked it!!  And I did not have to continue eating anything else, later, because I was satisfied and happy and I did not EVEN need to go beat myself into submission by running or walking for 2 or 3 hours, which would have happened even 6 months ago.  I didn't even really think about my food - I just had it.  I didn't realize the significance of this until I was talking to my coach this morning.  This was huge.  This is a break through for me.  I usually am obsessed with my food and menu.

I found Ruger's tennis ball near Lola

This is what I want.  Eat when I am hungry and not eat if I am not, even if someone offers it.  Even if I haven't had enough- fill in the blank- today because my own little weird set of rules hasn't been filled.  A life of dieting has saddled me with a lot of rules that just don't really need to be followed if I don't want to.  And I want a life where I just have lunch and not think about food every God damn minute. (sorry for the plethora of cursing, but I am a bit passionate about this whole thing).

So, I am not logging my food on loseit anymore.  I am entering my exercise for some reason.  I find that ok.  I don't feel ruled by the exercise.  I am craving activity, as this winter has left me feeling not as strong as I like to feel.  On the other hand, I have a few recurring injuries that have healed well because I have eased up too.  Now to find the balance and moderation.

Hen and Chicks, baby

So I am off to do some walking- actually going to the office and then to travel south to Phillips for my annual assemble tax returns helping that I do on the last day or two of tax season.  Yeah, I am a giver!!  HAHA  It just makes me grateful that I was smart enough to NOT do this line of work, people would find me swinging from the light fixtures.  I just can't with office work, but am I ever grateful for the people who do it!  I know a few of those sorts who are just filled with awesome sauce!  You all know who you are!

There is so much more to life than diets and you are worth so much more just as you are than what the media and diet gurus and all those other people who are just out to make MONEY from you.  Trust your body and trust yourself.  It takes a lot of time, it takes a leap of faith, it takes some difficult steps, but is worth it all.  You my friends are awesome and being thinner does not make you more so.  It can make you feel good about yourself, but it should never make you feel worse or worse yet, like you are a failure.  You give me so much joy, I hope you can find a way to find joy in yourself as well.  xoxo

2 years and holding

December 21, 2010 was the random day that I decided that I had to do something about the weight with which I was highly unsatisfied.  I don't remember tons about it, but I do know that I had earlier in the month brought down my Christmas decorations from upstairs and I was totally defeated by the pain that was in my knees as I walked up and down those steps.  I remember being disgusted sitting on my couch and felt parts of my back touching itself.  I remember feeling pretty horrible about myself in general.

I had used the loseit app before and knew that it had some good potential and knew that I could use it with success if I put my mind to it and just did it.  I also do NOT believe in New Year's resolutions-- at all-- so I wanted to get going on this before the first of the year.  Right before Christmas was a good time to do it, also, to practice a little self control during a high calorie time of the year, which begins well before at Halloween and lasts through the Super Bowl weekend.  At least. I remember those first weeks being pretty hard.  And I cheated a lot.  I fooled myself into thinking that I was following the plan and not posting some of my food, maybe eating a little more than reported, etc (ha! times really don't change in a way) and in general not being real strict with the plan.  But I lost a little, I gained back a little, I did walk as much as I could for exercise, and had uneven success.  But I did have some success- a few pounds off.  I do remember feeling a LOT of success at the Kutz family Christmas get-together at my brother Ed's place, as I was able to really limit the food I had and it made me feel great. I wanted to lose a lot, but was going to be happy with 10 pounds....

Meanwhile, spin ahead to the beginning of January and the installation of wifi in my house- plus the purchase of a laptop!!  Merry Christmas to me!  Woo HOO!  I had completed and received my grad degree in August of 2010 (GIANT YEAH BABY) and had planned this as a gift to myself.  The poor MA never can quite believe the things that I do to our household at times, lol! The internet arrived and I was thrilled to get around to looking at the loseit website sometime in mid January.  This was the proverbial game changer.  I was fiddling around until this event.  I was not really accountable, I was always coming up a little short in my commitment.  The FRIENDS aspect of loseit is the key to my success (well the gym is the other key, but that has been discussed before!)  The concept of online friends helping you, encouraging you, cheering for you was really compelling for me.  Because as you know, I do enjoy chatting with my friends!  :)

I don't remember exactly who my very first friends were on loseit, except that the majority of them were people have since disappeared.  I do know that one of my early friends was Barbara in Cali and she has been a wonderful supporter and indeed a dear friend ever since.  I can name a few others that I accumulated in those early months: Allyce, Marie, Cathy H, Richard, MadDog, Gary, Bea, Theresa, Anne and many others. I hate to leave people out, as there were so many who I relied on for support and advice.  Since then I have become friends with so many people and have indeed met many of them.  My first actual new friend to meet was Marie, who lives in the Twin cities. It was AWESOME to be able to talk to her and have a coffee with her.  We have met a few times now and plan to continue our summer walks again this year.  I plan to continue getting to know them in person when I can!

The Loseit website offered me the right combination of encouragement and information and the ability to interact with others who are going through the same thing as me.  The people were in different stages of their journey, and all had things that were valuable.  The forums offered me a lot of information and a place that you could discuss aspects of eating, exercise and mind set with a variety of people who may or may not be on your friends list and who may or may not be of like mind to you.  All of this combined, along with a total redo of my goals, to kick start the whole program again.  This time it clicked, this time I would really stick to my plan, add in extra activity, know to take measurements to track your actual results, and all the little tricks that help.  Like brush your teeth A LOT to keep from eating at night, to chew gum in between meals to distract yourself from eating (hello dessert flavored gum!), to have a little protein if you are starving, to up your water intake a LOT to help with everything.

If someone told me two years ago that I would be having just broccoli for dinner at night, I would have laughed at them.  If someone had told me two years ago that I would be literally sick from eating 4 pieces of chocolate and about 3 cookies at one time, I would have been incredulous.  I have changed my eating habits a little at a time -  drastically -  over the past few years.  It has been slow, but I have altered the way I eat.  I got to a point that my exercise didn't take off weight very fast after several months, so I had to adjust my plan for less food.  I figured out what I had to take out of my food list or what I had to reduce.  I found substitutions for my favorite tastes and used them instead of the full calorie version (I discovered the joy of hummus, Dijonaise, and Laughing Cow cheese on many things instead of Cheddar and mayo and things like that.)  I remember looking at my foods list several times- my typical day- and deciding what I indeed could do without or limit.  It was never terribly difficult, because it happened so gradually. As time went on I made some major decisions about my food intake that has helped tremendously and has given me and amazing amount of energy and I feel great! In April I quit eating meat.  This was not all that tough for me.  The thing I still sort of miss is tuna- it is quick and easy and I do like it, but it is easy enough to eat something else.  Becoming vegetarian is something I have toyed with for many years - at least 10- and so with the encouragement from a friend, I made that leap.  A few weeks later, I distinctly remember drinking my last Diet Pepsi. This was much more traumatic, as the Pepsi spoke to me frequently after that.  Meat made barely a peep, soda screamed, demanded, whispered enticingly, and WHINED a lot.  I am amazed to say I NEVER have had another sip since that day at school.  I did taste a sip of root beer in Minnesota, just because it was famous northern Minn brand that was hyped as being so good.... meh. It was ok.  Sometime in May, I had an unfortunate interlude with a bag of Doritos, so that is another item I have given up.... cold turkey.  Doritos and I are not on speaking terms any more.  And I am fine without it.

So much has changed in me in 2 years but still I am the same person.  That is a statement that sounds so obvious, but when you are looking at this kind of a change, which by the way I never anticipated, I it is sort of unexpected too.  One would expect to be deliriously happy and satisfied with life and the way you look.  Instead, life is the same series of challenges, and you are still not totally content with the way you look. Where people see thin, skinny, and tiny, you see a tummy that could shrink a little, chubby little knees that you wish would go away and heck, I just enjoy the word tiny.  Lol!  That was NEVER used to describe me before. Kinda gives me goosebumps.  Lol. You also have some things that happen that aren't all that great- like the lines that are more distinct on one's face or the weird little place under the eyes that make funny looking shadows in pictures. You panic over the food that you ate mindlessly and fight the need to soothe your troubles by indulging in a late night encounter with peanut butter. These all sound pretty silly when you write it out, but try telling that to the Debi that is worried every minute that the weight will come back. That I have to be vigilant, and know that I can't let my guard down, ever.  So don't expect me to binge on those cookies any more this season, as that just can't happen.  This is a struggle every single day.

The nice thing is that I weighed myself this morning and there is that awesome number still!  144.2.  It has been there for almost 2 weeks now and barely fluctuates, so maintenance is going pretty well!!  I am writing this with sore hands from picking up an 80 pound barbell and doing Romanian deadlifts yesterday.  I have a knee that is a little whiny this morning from running for 10 minutes on the treadmill, but will be fine later today, about the time that the rest of my leg muscles begin to complain from the weight training I did last night.  And it all feels right and good and I like having that soreness.  It makes me KNOW that I did a good job in the gym and that is the other key to my success. I will be using my workouts to be able to eat what I want and in a few weeks, I will resume (in limited fashion) my coffee habit, add a tiny bit of chocolate back into my day and perhaps on New Year's Eve resume my affair with Margaritas! ;)

I have a few friends who have given me such incredible support that I can't even begin to thank them enough.  I have my local buddies who are always there for me, including Connie who is a fellow kick-ass Honey Badger Babe and my cheerleading section at school who make my life so rich.  I have my family who tell other people how nice I look, and to hear that even second hand makes me feel really good.  And then I have my loseit friends who I talk to daily, through the internet, through the telephone,  and by me knowing that they are available for a whine session if I need them.  You already know that I am sentimental and corny and so I can say that they take my breath away every day. I smile when I get a text (- and I have a few new texting pals who make my morning sunny.)  They make me teary, they make me proud with all that they do and they are some really awesome friends.  NO ONE gets this journey like they do, they are my traveling companions and my confidantes. I seriously do not know what I would do with out them.

So, yes, I am going to continue to "not eat", to "go to the gym all the time", to walk "constantly" because I don't know any other way.  This is my new normal, this is the way it will be.  And I am so grateful for all the people who have been instrumental in this two year journey, my life is truly blessed.

And I will find my joy today, I hope you find yours.  THANK you for your friendship, all of you. xoxoxo

Shock to the system! or two....

Two shocks to the system lately!

First of all, two weeks ago when I was  agonizing over what I should do about not losing additional weight (no, I am not done with this topic yet, bear with me kids), I decided I needed to NOT be a quitter and finish what I had started.  One thing I had to figure out was why my weight loss had stalled- the answer was obvious, since I continue to get in a minimum of 300 calories of exercise virtually every day, it was my food.

After some soul searching and a discussion or two ( and an out and out double dog dare ya) (ahem, youknowwhoyouare) I "discovered" that the coffee I was drinking and drinking and drinking had a minimum of 90 calories in it because of the  yummy wonderful peppermint mocha coffee creamer, and consequently  I have given up virtually all coffee for the next 5 weeks. GULP!  I already have cut it back to 1 cup or less.  As I get closer to December, I am weaning myself off of it completely.  IT IS KILLING ME PEOPLE!!!  Anyway, if you multiply out the 4 cups of coffee per day and the 90 calories, plus the careless chocolate eating, handfuls of chips, crackers and all that other stuff that got me into trouble in the first place, you have a girl on maintenance when she really just wants to lose a tiny bit more.  THIS is a major shock to the system!  Of course after the first week it isn't so bad.  My body quickly adjusted to less caffeine and I feel great, actually.  After Jan 1, I will return to drinking coffee, I will just be ultra aware of how it can affect me!  I will stick with one cup, and if I have a second at some point, it will have to be black.  So now that it is "out there" my friends can keep me to it and NOT offer me any!  :)

Second shock to the system:

I was at yet another meeting at school Wednesday, but this one was low stress as we were working on our school website, and I needed to figure out how to get a pic from my phone to a website so I could download said pic onto my Weebly page.  I have Photobucket, which is not my favorite site, but decided that it might work for his application.  So I pull out the phone (ha, who am I kidding, I picked up the phone from its place right by my computer) and opened up photo bucket which I haven't used for quite a while, like since last spring, and there right smack in the middle of my screen is this picture of me.  And it was quite a sight:

The screenshot of what I saw

The photo in question

Even though I have seen this pic quite often, it hasn't been for a few months and it was shocking.  I must have gasped as everyone at my table looked at me and asked what was wrong.  I showed my phone to them and they were astonished.  2 of them had never known me like that, and the rest said that they didn't think I looked like that at all!  It was nice to hear that, but pictures don't lie. Well, maybe they do, as they flatten and alter things slightly and don't get me started on "photoshopping" but this was not touched.  I teared up a little, and was told to be proud, be happy.  That wasn't the underlying issue though. I am not sure exactly how to explain the feeling of shame, relief, joy and astonishment that went through me.  It was lightening fast and very powerful.

I did make a before and after photo series that I will be posting here and there when I hit my goal, but I am going to put one of them right here as I don't want the above pic to be the lasting image from this post!

I am sort of over it now.  Kind of.  Well, maybe not, I can hardly stand looking at these. And that is a good thing, as I am not going back.  Ever

Until next time, be a joy giver!

75

I was super hesitant to step on the scale today.  I was so hungry yesterday and there was temptation everywhere.  I wish you got "credit" for all the foods you don't eat.  Like all the butter you have left off your toast, for the saying "no hashbrowns" when in reality they are your favorite thing in the world (almost) to eat, for the coffee and creamer that you didn't have...... for eating only 3 pieces of fudge and a cookie when the tray in the front room for the hunters has your favorite kinds. (Because you are stupid enough to pick up 3 pounds of cookies at the cookie walk.... but we won't go there) What else was there yesterday?  Oh, there was the free snacks at the craft faire, there was my favorite jar of soy nut butter in the cupboard, there is my secret stash of chocolate...... there is stuff EVERYWHERE to eat.

Then we went out to eat with friends and I caved and had wine.  I was planning water, but I just couldn't stop myself when I found out they had Riesling.  And it was a pretty good Riesling I must say, and so when one has only eaten 3 pieces of fudge, a cookie and 2 Clementines since 10:30, you can imagine the wine went straight to one's head!  And yet I managed to make good food choices, because I am committed to getting this last couple pounds off.  I am not sure how that happened!  After my second glass of wine, I ordered alfredo with no meat and extra veggies and the sauce on the side!!!  That was perfect, as I only ended up using about 2 tablespoons of it, well maybe a quarter cup.  I was a little tipsy!  I had just salad at the salad bar, just a little dressing, no creamy anything, because I am pretty sure there was meat in everything anyway.  I gave away my garlic toast, and only ate about a third of the massive serving of pasta that they gave me.  And NO one felt the need to comment on my lack of meat intake, finally.  Not the visitors, not the MA, no one.  Of course I had to hear the whole if she turns sideways she disappears thing, but that is fine. These visitor don't see me very often.  And it is somewhat entertaining to hear that.  And I really wanted a 3rd glass of wine, but knew that wasn't going to work very well.  So when I got home I drank my weight in water!

So this morning, after knowing that I probably didn't record everything I ate yesterday, that the choices I made were not the BEST, that my sodium intake was undoubtedly higher than normal on account of the restaurant food, I was hesitant to step on the scale. As long as I was around 147 or 148 I was fine with that.

Imagine my surprise when I saw the number 146.4.  I was sleepy...... what was my old number??  146.6?  146.8?????  Did I just lose .4 pounds?????  OMG!!!!!!!!

I got to my 75 pound weight loss.  That number was so significant to me.  It is the symbol of doing something I NEVER imagined I could do when I began this journey. 75 was never part of my plans.  50 was a milestone and I had hoped I would reach it.  The rest is just icing on the proverbial cake or extra chips in your cookie.  When I reached my limit of being heavy 2 years ago, I clearly remember thinking that if I lost even 10 pounds I would be happy.  Because 10 pounds would help my knees, would make me feel a little better, could improve my health- I read that many times!  So I did that and that beginning few weeks was so hard.  I remember the old Debi FIGHTING all the time. She wanted to continue eating like she had, though most of it was secret.  Much of it was "healthy" food that was eaten in excess or "unhealthy" food that was eaten on the sly or in smaller quantities.  She wanted to stay the same and she had to be told no!  And she is a stubborn thing and still will pop up once in a while.

Recently the old Debi has been acting up.  She has insisted on having 4 or 5 pieces of dark chocolate and increased her coffee intake to 4 cups plus creamer.  She was eating nuts in the morning and Nutrigrain bars in the afternoon, and she can ferret out a cookie within a half mile!  I spend a lot of time resisting those habitual wants, let me tell you.  So with help from a loseit friend or two  (thank you!!!!) I cut my calories WAY back recently in order to finish this trip.  I was challenged to give up my vices, to only eat to my calorie budget for the day, to not eat back ANY exercise calories in order to be a success in my mind.  In order for me to not be a quitter.  To really achieve a goal that I didn't have a clue I would get to when i started.  Sometimes it is better not to know what your final destination will be when you start, because it might be too over whelming.

I'm not quite there yet.  I will not be told not to quibble over a pound plus.  That it doesn't matter.  It does matter to me.  I have 1.2 pounds to go to get to 145- a pipe dream number.  An amazing number to a non-number girl. A number that i never imagined I would see.

So on I go, I will be working on this last leg of my journey for the next week or so. And who knows what will come next!  But it is sure to be joyful!

Tomorrow I will reweigh and will get my loseit 75 pound badge!  And it will rock!

Until next time, be a joy giver!

A weigh in of epic proportion!

A quick, undoubtedly way too wordy, update from me.

I had a GREAT thing happen over  the weekend. I weighed myself on Sunday and I found myself staring at the number 148.8!  I have been waiting for a 14- number for some time now.  I have been at 150.2 for ages!!  I mean, yes, the number wobbled up a little from time to time, but never more than a pound or two, but that wobble never went down!!  I was stuck there for about 6 weeks.  That is basically being in a maintenance mode, which is actually a good thing.  I am thrilled to know I can hold onto my weight at this lower level with little problem. I have found the balance of food and exercise that works for me.

HOWEVER, I wanted to     a. drop below 150- just because I wanted to do that and    2. be in the "normal" BMI range, and then there is the last thing- it involves those last frontiers of soft and squishy that need to disappear.......  So at least the first two things have been accomplished!  I was thrilled to throw my stats onto a BMI calculator and find my number FINALLY in the freaking normal range.  I intellectually knew that with my muscle mass, that I probably had been in normal for a while, but I wanted to see it on the chart!!  HA!  I rarely want to really be normal, but this is one of those number games that you sort of play in your head.  I play lots of games in my head, but that is beside the point.... and you just don't want to know about that!  :)

 I HAVE NEVER WEIGHED IN THE 140"S IN MY LIFETIME!  Maybe for a week or so when I was a freshman in High School or something.....

I am sure the little fist-pumping, bunny hopping, hands raised in victory dance that did in the bathroom, then the kitchen, then in the living room would have been an interesting sight to see!  I was very happy to say the least.  I did not utter a sound though, the MA had put in a long day cutting white pine boughs or something evergreen on Saturday and I didn't want to wake him up. I RESISTED the urge to run into the bedroom and jump up and down on the bed  saying.....GUESS WHAT!  GUESS WHAT! GUESS WHAT!  HAHAHAHA.  It was close though!  I had gotten up a little late as I had perhaps had too much caffeine or something on Saturday, as I did not fall asleep until way after 1 am.  So, I was able to share via text with a good friend or two!

I am only about 3 pounds away from my random goal weight. I don't know how I am going to react when I am "done" losing weight.  I have been doing this my whole life practically.  Working seriously at it on loseit.com for almost 2 years.  I have not been the weight I want or at least can live with ever in my adult life.....  weird idea.  Every day really is a struggle!  It will not be easy, but I am used to it now.

I "secretly" want to maybe go down another 10 pounds, but I am going to let that just happen.  If my body wants it to.  Thank heaven for my friends, especially my loseit friends, who will hold my hand as I enter this next phase.  Their support is unbelievable, and has been my life line.

I have discovered something interesting- even though I know that I am way way smaller than I used to be, I still see heavy in the mirror.  I still see parts that aren't 25 years old anymore.  I see sections that aren't looking like I think they should.  I find that if I am feeling sorry for myself I look way worse than when I am happy.  Are we so used to seeing images of people who are unrealistically thin that we can't be happy in our own, much lighter, much more healthy skin?  It is something I certainly need to work on- changing my lens of looking at myself.  It is getting slightly easier to see myself as a thinner person: I actually saw rib bones in the mirror yesterday- but when someone says I am skinny or when the hubs says my back is kind of boney it makes me furrow my brow.  40 some years of never having someone use those adjectives to describe me makes it hard to accept.  But it is something I will be working on.

I am pretty sure I mentioned that this post would be way wordy!  You were warned!

Make sure you find your joy today- and do a little fist pumping, bunny hop dance when you do!

A little shocking to me

So in my last post I was downloading some pix from my facebook page for the previous post.  I wanted the race pic of Sarah and I and was looking for another that might have a less toothy smile from me, and I scrolled backwards instead of forward and found this picture.  This could have been my very first profile picture? I really don't think so, but I guess it is possible.  It was taken when we had the bridal shower for Jon and Sarah.  

Wow.  Just wow.

Joy comes in reinvention, too.

Driver's License weight!!!!- and Happy Birthday to me!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!

After many many MANY YEARS of attempting and trying and failing and trying again, today on my 54th birthday, I have finally reached my driver's license weight!  

I remember filling out my probationary driver's license form as clearly as if it was yesterday- I remember being at school, I remember where I was sitting, who was sitting near me.  Apparently I was excited by this whole event.  I remember thinking to myself, even at the age of 16 that I wanted to be 150- and I thought that was a little much, but that was fine.  I was NOT 150.  I was more like 157 or 158- something to that effect.  And I remember planning to lose weight to get there.  Who would ever have thought that it would take this many years to get to this place.  

Yes, people, my driver's license STILL says 150!  I have never had to or did ever change it to a more realistic number, and I am so glad I never did.  That number- a stupid number- has driven me to this day.  So as I sit here bawling over it on the couch, I am very happy and very proud.  This journey has taken me since December 21 of 2010.  The day I decided I couldn't go through my life with my knees hurting any more.  With the rolls on my back touching each other when I sit on the couch.  That even if I could lose 10 FREAKING pounds, it would be better than nothing.  I knew I had to get going before the first of January, as we all know that New Year's resolutions do not work!  I don't do them, I start my adventures well before that!  

I HAVE to take the time to THANK my friends over on the loseit web site.  If it hadn't been for that community of people, people who really get it, who are uniquely familiar with this kind of journey, who are there to support you, to cheer you up, to laugh with, to MEET!, to give you advice and you get to do the same for them- I know I could not have done this.  Of course my family and local friends have been fabulous, too, I count my blessings daily,, but without that loseit support, I would not weigh 150.2 pounds today!  It is only a number but baby this is a wonderful one!

So here is to you- Allyce, Barbara, Marie, Samara, Gary, Richie, Leanne, Billy, Cheri, Connie, Jenny, Molly, Jenni, Phyllis, and the rest of my Mean Honey Badgers, Jamie, Bean, Petunia, Mark, Pif, Rudy, Kendra, Randy and a whole lot of others who I feel bad that I can't name all of you individually, but like I said, I'm sort of crying here. THANK YOU!  For putting up with my whining, for dealing with my perpetual good outlook on life, for letting me share small parts of your life.  

The other big factor in this is my dearest friends at Triple B Health and Fitness!  Brian, Lori and the kids have been so supportive, so helpful and so inspiring.  Triple B has indeed helped make me what I am today- way lighter than I was a year ago when I joined!!  Thanks to them, especially Lori and Brian for telling me what a great job I am doing, how I am making such fast progress, how they have seen changes starting way back when I only had a month under my belt!  Those little kind words motivated me hugely!  THANK you!!!!!  I'll be there in a while to give you hugs!  :) :) :)

Time for more coffee, to write another canoe blog post, to wait for the sun to come up so I can walk and to see if I have a picture on the Channel 9 weather!  Lol.  Then time for the gym, for lunch with my friends, for texts and emails, for a happy birthday to me massage!  Hopefully time will find the children calling their mother, and the MA taking me out for dinner!  Then tomorrow I will get up in a new month and with this new number and start things all over again.  145 here I come!  

Maybe a little oversharing here!

However, this is meant for my Loseit peeps, so if you are NOT one of them, feel free to read this, but know that it is not a boundary waters post, per se!  That would be the next post down!!  and eventually up!

So, one of the goals of this trip was to really test my strength and endurance and I really did do that!  It was such a good time.  I found that I have lots of both of these things.  I also discovered that the trip helped me identify the way that food truly does fuel the body!  It sounds odd, but to feed yourself when you need the boost, to drink so much water when you really need it and actually feel your body use the nourishment to accomplish a task is amazing.  I felt so WEIRD eating such high fat and calorie foods.  But it was obviously needed, since I lost 1.6 pounds this week.  Which was a lot considering the percentage of my weight.  I am able to identify when I am truly hungry.  I really get it!  it was also interesting to eat those high calorie foods- like trail mix- in the environment in which they were intended.  I don't think that it is a great afternoon snack for a sit down job, but really worked well after canoeing for 1.5 hours, with another couple hours until lunch!  Interesting things to think about for me.

So for my own weight loss- I lost the 1.6 pounds, hit the amazing 70 lb weight loss total (WHAT????) and am only 6 pounds from my goal of 145.  I AM ONLY 1 POUND FROM MY DRIVERS LICENSE WEIGHT!!!  THIS IS EPIC PEOPLE!  When I do, I will share that story.

I also measured myself yesterday and I discovered a 29 inch waist.  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!!  MORE from the land of EPIC.  I have few shorts that don't fall off me anymore!  :)  Guess I'll use a belt.

Well, I have to go to abs class, I will continue this with a boundary waters post later.

I can't believe that it is almost the end of birthday month!  Incredible.

Until later today, truly I mean it when I say be a joy-giver and smile!  hugs to all of you!

Staring me in the face

A couple of guidelines to this post-

1. Understand that I know I can be completely irrational.
2. Know that not only do I know that I am irrational, I know that I have to go through this process to get to the other side.
3.  Sometimes, I also know I can be utterly hard headed, ornery, and will NOT face reality!!

So somewhere along the line here, kids, I have apparently hurt my knee.  I know there are many of you who are saying, well, what does she expect with all of the exercise she does, and no rest, and .......  Yeah- see guideline #1.  I have to do all that exercise to KEEP MY WEIGHT OFF, people!!  I do not appreciate being shown by my body that it is not 25 anymore and indeed at an age where you have to mark that box that just seems impossible.  It upsets me to no end, and I am generally not a person who is bothered by age.  It is what it is!  But limitations that are not self imposed are just a tad on the irritating side!  (See both guideline #1 and 2).  I have this horrible feeling that if I let myself be inactive, I will automatically gain like 10 - 20 pounds, virtually over night.  (hmmm- read #3)

I actually skipped my beloved ballet class yesterday because my knee was swelled up.  I did not walk last night, and today, I have planned to intentionally do no exercise.  Unless I go and do some shoulder work after I get done with my lovely Smartboard training......  Oh, I can see I might have to make up some more guidelines to this post!

4.  All readers should understand that I know I will learn a lot during summer inservices, but they should also know that the resentment factor totally negates any joy that has been found interacting with my peers.  
5.  You and I both know that it could be nearly impossible for me to NOT exercise at all on any given day, but know that the Mad-Art Teacher is going to give it that old college try!

I really do NOT want to go to that inservice today, summer is made for doing many things, and sitting inside on a lovely day when there is a garden to weed and a giant hand to work on is not part of my preferred to do list!  (see #4)  But I will go, suck it up and do the best I can, because that is who I am!

So what else is staring me in the face?  I am a horrible procrastinator. I have to finish my complaint post here and complete my orders for next year for the High School.  I could have probably finished them yesterday, but I tend to goof around when stressed out!  (See #1, #2, #3, then reread #1 and #3 again). You know I love to goof around, at the computer, on the phone, outside, where ever I may be, but it does lead to me finding myself pushing to complete a task before a deadline. Plus the whole elevating ones knee and putting ice on it tends to make me antsy and anxious.  Hence avoidance, and your need to review that guideline #3!!

In my stressed out state yesterday I realized that I was reverting to some old food habits!  VERY distressing.  MINDLESS eating, eating WAY more than I usually do, not thinking about what I was doing....... basically the evil little gremlin that lives in my head that tells me how much better I will feel after that piece of bread, that cheese, that icecream bar, that cupcake half, etc.  I sound like the "Very Hungry Caterpillar"!  When indeed I wasn't hungry at all, and then my tummy did hurt. And my mind and my soul.  (yep, back to guidelines 1 - 3, several times)  I plan to undereat today.  Big time.  To negate the whole lack of exercise thing and some terrible hungry caterpillar eating.

So, let's see, we have a hurt knee, procrastination, going to an inservice in the summer, which should be illegal for all teachers (oops- read #4) BAD food choices, and then there is the dreaded scale!  Ugh, I won't go there....

I have really REALLY fabulous friends!  Hey, that might need it's own guideline!

6.  The Mad Art Teacher has fabulous friends who are the most caring people in the world and frankly she wonders some days why they bother with her ridiculousness and how they are being forced to read another goofy post and review her insane guidelines 10,000 times!  Because they are full of awesome-sauce!!

My friends have told me that I should take occasional rest days.  Do I listen, well yes, but it is in the execution of this good idea that I occasionally fail!  (see that guideline #1 again)You see,  I never really truly think of myself as a "normal" person.  I do not feel that I ever:
*do quite enough to really succeed at what I do, much less cause myself any problems, physically
*actually have any sort of "right" to be injured or tired or anything, because I do believe that I do not do enough (#1 and #3)
* if I really don't do enough, I surely do not need a rest day
*my voices in my head do tell me that I will fail!  (do read #2 and then hang up on the calling of the nice men in the white coats)

It is true, though, I never feel like I have done enough.  I have never eaten well enough, never have done my weight lifting well enough, haven't done nearly as much cardio as I could have- that is a hard thing to have staring you in the face!  What is enough?  I have no idea, but if I do it you all will be the first to know!  (You know you have to reread #1)

BACK to my friends. (read that #6 a few times)  I can not thank the couple of people I talked to yesterday about this kind of stuff enough.  There is an online buddy or two, and a dear friend here and there who talked me off of my proverbial ledge yesterday.  I do wish that I didn't have to melt down whenever I face a crisis that is totally of my own making (see those first few guidelines) but it is what I do every so often and without their help, I'd be in big trouble.  It was interesting yesterday when I heard these 2 or 3 people and even the MA, when I finally told him about my knee, the exact same thing- well you have to stay off of it for a few days.......  yeah, thanks, I know this people. But it was helpful to hear it, in virtually the same words 3 or 4 times. (see #5, which is getting more difficult to face every moment).  Regardless, I intellectually know it won't last forever, I know I will heal, I know all these things, yet I am afraid.  I.  am.  terrified.

I am going to attempt to leave my friends alone today, after all I am going to be "busy", but they ALL know that really I need them to pat me on the head occasionally and send me a virtual smile.  Because I think I am going to need it, as I face down all the things that are staring at me right now.  A major one I haven't discussed is a goal I have set for myself, that might not get accomplished.  That really hurts.  I guess disappointment in myself is the hardest thing I will have to stare at today.

Maybe I should print off my own list of guidelines to review today, huh?

Somedays it is a little hard to find your joy, but if you look at it long enough it will be revealed!

Until then be a joy-giver!  And thanks for being one of my fabulous friends.  And reread guideline #6!

Plateaus and milestones and pictures!

I have been stuck in my weight loss a little bit lately.  I have awesome friends who tell me that I am building muscle, and that my body is needing to readjust, and that I need to be patient.....  Well, that is probably all true, but it does not help when I obsessively get on the scale every morning for the last 8 days and the scale says virtually the same thing.  Ugh.  So I have reevaluated my day and have decided I probably am getting less than vigilant about my portion size, and I NEVER log in my coffee creamer in my food list on Loseit.  Baaaaaaaaad madartteacher.  Lol.

 So, I will be watching out for that kind of thing and I looked to conquer a new challenge for myself- a 1000 calorie exercise session.  Some of my heros- my loseit friends who are absolute exercise machines- do that with astonishing regularity.  Most of them manage that by biking or using the elliptical or arc trainer- but I wanted to do it with my walking.  I, after all, have gotten most of this weight loss by walking and walking and walking.....  So I figured out a long loop that is 8.3 miles, according to the map on runkeeper, but the GPS figured it out as closer to 8.6!!! (you can see the map by following the link)  And indeed, I got a 1007 calorie burn from that little trek.  And I sort of wish I hadn't walked for an hour the night before, as this one definitely kicked my rear!  Wow, I would have gotten into a car with ANyONE if they would have stopped during my last mile!!!  :)  But I did it and I am so pleased.  Now that did not translate into a weight loss this morning, but I am going to continue to be patient and give it time.

Oh!  And I got some great pictures, plus there are some other ones from my SLR camera that I had forgotten I took!  BONUS!!

Hidden

Tamarack tree in the sun

Fallen

Dead but gorgeous

Fall beauty in miniature

Abstract stream

Perfect fall day

Poisonous beauty

Did a little experimenting with the photo editing- not sure about these two

Sepia version

Black and white version

And here are our bonus pictures!!!

Sunset

Leaves of gold and green

Sunshine and spiderweb

Sunshine through the leaves

Portrait of Lola with pink sunset

Pink sunset

Fall sunset

So until next time, be persistent, have a goal and look around you for your joy!

What a weigh to end September

I am occasionally throwing in a post here about my journey to health and fitness.  It isn't as fun as my photos and all, but I feel the need to update.  I have just recently lost enough weight to be traveling into territory not seen by my scale since college!  This is an amazing thing to me- I can't believe that I have lost 43.6 pounds so far.

I have done most of it by adjusting the amount and to a smaller degree the type of food that I eat and my activity level has gone way way up.  I exercise a minimum of 1 hour on most days.  I have a record of lots of it on my Runkeeper account- which is an app on my iPhone that measures the distance and route that I take for my walks, and also the cardio machines at the gym.  I have recently added weight lifting to my routine, to prepare for the inevitable winter slowdown.

You may or may not know that I am using a website and app called loseit- located at loseit.com as well as on android and iPhone platforms.  It is an awesome site, I recommend it highly.  And make sure you get friends there, because they are the best!!!  I could NEVER have done this without my friends.

Here I am in a plain old "L" cool pink Packer jersey and a size 12 jeans!!!!!  SCORE!!!!!

I've come a long way, baby!

I will say that I have not completely given up on foods that used to be a problem for me- cake and cookies are my weakness- and yesterday I had not only cake, but an apple pie bar, too.  It was delicious.  And I felt sort of guilty about it for a few minutes- but I have learned that guilt does you no good whatsoever.  I really wanted that cake and for that matter the apple thing, so I ate it, enjoyed it and went for a walk to help counteract the effects of it.  I was under my calorie limit for the day, so it's all good.  Guilt is my biggest enemy, as it leads to comfort eating.  And we all know that is a slippery slope!

So, get joy out of little things- eat your cake and then burn it off with a great walk, or bike ride, or whatever you enjoy doing.  It will all be worth it in the end.