Thursday, May 2, 2019

more thoughts...

One would think that one would be ecstatic to be retiring, but I have come to find out that it isn't as easy as it appears. 

There are several weird mind things that are going on here- in reality, you are really an expert at your job when you are ready to retire.  I mean, I feel so successful at teaching most things, but the painting series I do with the students is totally rocking effective....  I am referring to the hs kids here of course- but the same goes with the littles- you know what you want them to be doing and you know how to get them there- it is just picking out the projects that will be most effective for that group of kids.

Next of all- I don't know about all of you all, but I am pretty sure I am not old enough to retire.  My birthday begs to differ, but I seriously feel like I have only just started a few years ago.  It sort of feels like cheating.  I have never felt (and some say acted) my age, and I think hanging out with teenagers every day gives you an altered outlook on life.  These are some fine people that I am teaching, don't for a moment believe the negative people in the world who do the "the kids these days" thing.  Guess what - the old people said that about you too- the world does not stay stagnant and it is a different world from when we were growing up- you have no idea what these kids do.  And they are fine humans, who happen to be trapped in some serious hormone overload at the moment.

I made the decision REALLY fast and I haven't had a lot of time to acclimate myself to it.  I have embraced it but I haven't fully had it integrate in me.  I am looking forward to it, yet it has defined such a big part of my life and it is so weird to think I won't be doing it anymore.  It is a relief and a seriously terrifying idea this whole being done with your career.  I'll adapt and I will stay busy, but I am looking at the time in front of me this fall and wondering how I will react.  Fortunately the summer is a buffer and I will just let the fall happen.

I am a person who has to process by talking out loud, and I am more than a little worried I am driving my closest friends crazy.  I want to leave them alone, but I feel totally afloat and a little afraid....  good thing they are so patient with me.  I am very lucky.

I- for better or worse- have a countdown going, something I refused to do before this year.  I just didn't want to know how many days of school were left, I didn't want to think about it usually.  Time goes too slowly if you count things down, I thought, and that is true to a degree.  But it also makes it possible to really embrace the day, live in the moment and try not to wish your life away.  I tell my high schoolers to not hurry their time in school, that some day they will realize how good their time here actually was (for most of them) and I am trying hard to take that advice.... and find all the joy  that I can while I am at it.... but somehow I can't help saying- Is it June yet?