Constants and Variables

Or how I felt like a failure this morning because the Internet went down last night

***this was written EARLY today and I have since recovered nicely.  But it is part of how I roll, and I thought it is interesting to address regardless.

Now this is the stupidest thing. But I realized on my walk this morning that I felt like a failure and the day hadn't even begun.

Of course there is a reason for this, and I eventually figured it out.

My life, I decided – like everyone else's, is full of constants and variables. In fact, I am a variable in itself. I truly some days do NOT know why I feel a particular way. I just feel. It explains a lot doesn't it! :) Constants make me feel like my life has a tiny bit of structure and I can bounce around in the walls of that structure.

So this morning I wake up and the Internet is not up. It went down last night during a thunderstorm....  It is not my freaking router*, so don't worry.  (I will be chatting with my Centurylink representative soon).  And when I don't have my feedly, Facebook, Loseit and other things to amuse me for a half hour upon rising I feel totally out of sorts.

*It was a simple fix, and I refuse to go there...

So it appears the Internet is a constant.

Constants in my life (aside from the Internet) include my incredible support system who give me more joy than I can describe. If you are reading this, you know who you are! :) And I have a few..... but god forbid - they have occasionally a life of their own, and so if they are not lurking about, I know that I will be talking to them later. And the road goes both ways and it is good!

Exercise is also a constant- that is about all I need to say about that! It is a daily or almost daily occurrence. If I am not doing it, I am planning for it or wishing for it.

Food and sleep is the same- If I am not planning it I am wishing for it. LOL

Joy- yeah.

Visual matters- I am always seeing art things, so that is absolutely a constant to me. I don't just see my coffee cup, I think about the way the light falls on it and where the shadows are and how the colors are altered- constant.  I get so distracted at times. Photos, drawings, paintings, etc.....  it can be a problem.

So when some of my constants are disrupted, it sort of throws me for a loop.  And THIS boys and girls is when the variable issue kicks in.  And I guess by variables, I mean how things can get F-ed up so fast it boggles the mind.  Lol

Now how does this make me a FAILURE when the internet is down? Well that is a good question. As I started my walk to day, I was somewhat delayed by an unexpected chat with a friend from the past on FB messenger (thank heaven for 4G!) My PLAN for the day was to get in a minimum of an hour of walking (more like an hour and a half) and then a trip to a farmers market, lunch with the hubs and my Mad-English teacher friend Adam, gym, school, make the beds up for the kids and then sit up and wait for them. So the hour walk was shortened to 45 minutes and by then I am projecting myself forward to the gym and the fact that I have not been in there for 2 days and that threw off my work out plan and they aren't open on Sunday or Monday. And I am behind behind behind on weightlifting. As in I have legs, chest and back to do.  I"M BEHIND!!!   BOO. Which means I want to spend a ton of time at the gym and I REALLY need to go to school. A LOT. Which means of course that I can't spend as much time at the gym as I'd like. Which makes me feel really behind. And speaking of behind- school. I remember the days when I used to by this point have all my lessons arranged for the entire semester. THAT is when I had just elementary school. Oh those were the days. Or when I used to teach just HS and a few elem classes and I would have until Christmas planned..... Now that I have everyone in Park Falls I have the first 2 days of HS planned and the first 2 weeks of elementary planned.... so yeah, speaking of behind. And failure. And not doing the job I used to do, of course I have like a job and a half (like we all do at that school) or maybe even a job and ¾. And then I fast forward to the school year where we again have our Wednesdays after school tied up for 45 min this year, and when am I going to get in ALL my lifting and when am I going to continue writing the whole new plan I have for my High school and maybe I need to occasionally be home to wash clothes and say hello to the MA who allegedly lives in my house. And how about my walking, and ballet and dance class. This all washes over me like the ocean and I feel like a failure at 6:30 am, because my internet is down and I didn't have my daily dose of Nia Shanks telling me to be the best I can be- a beautiful Bad Ass. And sometimes it is that simple and that complicated.  Ugh. I need to text my fitness buddy right now!!!

So now I am going to go ahead and get ready to go to Minocqua and post this later when my stupid Internet is back up.   

Cut to evening- relaxing on the couch, arms absolutely so dead from a marathon weightlifting frenzy, with beds made, swiss chard blanched, apples eaten, horse fed, farmers market visited and lunch eaten.  OH and dinner grilled!  Now why was I so worked up this morning???  You felt like a failure before you even got going on your day?  What kind of a maniac are you anyway?  I'm pretty sure you need some therapy....  eh, never mind.  You can figure this out!  BREATHE woman BREATHE!!!

And the JOY will follow you!

Understanding your Mad Art Teacher 2.0

Tonight is our Open House at school- and I am not ready.

I am ready for the kids and the parents to come in and look at me and my room, sort of, but I am so not ready for school to start.  So therefore, I am incapable of sane decisions, rational thought and ability to complete tasks.......  this boys and girls is how this art teacher rolls.

So what are the peculiarities of being an art teacher in September (or late August)?

Especially this particular one, who has a minimum of 6 different classes a day- with her preparation time mushed into her lunch (not good- just trust me on that) and who is constantly wanting to do something different.

Every year I start off wanting to redo my entire curriculum and lesson plans and my way of doing things and that does usually occur at the beginning.  Then you pile on things like- homecoming, staff meetings, committee meetings, IEPs, interruptions, firedrills, inservice days, fall leaves, butterflies and shiny objects and you have plannus interruptus.

This year I have sort of on a whim purchased a new book (collective gasp- don't tell anyone that it is an actual hold in your hand, not a virtual, book- not to be viewed on any sort of a device) that has given me a slightly different angle to my High School classes.  I am very excited about this and I hope that it will pan out with the students I have this year as well as I think it will.  So when I get to school today it will be my job to totally reorganize my lesson plans for the majority of my classes.

This year I also have a minimum of 3 classes per hour in the High school.  Yes, you read that right, and one of them has 4.  Now granted these are smaller classes but the total in my room is good sized.  How am I going to manage this?  Well I think I have a plan for that-

I also plan to include some app based projects and we are going to go on a field trip (fingers crossed for good weather) soon!!!  All of these things will make for some stressful moments I am sure, as I try to make myself 2 people.

My problem is that I am too damn visual for my own good.  This is how I get myself into things- I see and my brain kicks in and then I do things and plan things and then I feel like I am meeting myself in the middle from all the comings and goings.  And then I get to go to the elementary school!

I know how the first 2 weeks will go there, so I am in great shape!  HA!

Anyway, after cleaning up after the cleaners (who do a fine job but have never quite managed to put things back where they found them) and putting away boxes of supplies, and then cleaning up after a "workshop" that was held in my art room (wouldn't you think grown-ups who are supposedly responsible adults could put things back where they found them) and hunting down the items that I hid last spring (in some cases not well enough) I barely have my room usable right now.  And there is that lesson plan thing.  And then there is the endless rounds of meetings that are cramping my style and my set up time and that is where working in two buildings is a real bummer.  And in a couple of ill advised  comments and a general feeling of panic to add to my day and now you can see why the Art Teacher had a meltdown of epic proportions yesterday that included a massive rant and temper tantrum that left 2 Mad-friends surprised and snickering at my lack of joyfulness (not in a bad way- it was sort of funny) (sort of) that led to me collapsing in a brain dead heap of uselessness that could only result in a slightly cleaner house and nothing much else accomplished.

Yeah.

So, I found a blog yesterday that amused me in many ways (this person could be my new best friend if we lived near each other, I am positive) but this particular part of one of her posts is very appropriate for  today. Many of her posts would  not be understood by the public at large- it is definitely something that gave me a chuckle and is alarmingly true!!  if you do not understand or do not find this amusing, you need to go to bed and wake up fresh and then try again.  If not, then maybe this is too art teacher specific as well.  But I could read it again and again!! Hehehehe

Oh yes, and so it goes!

I love the beginning of the school year- it is such a time of promise and potential!

So fire up the coffee pot and lay out the healthy snacks (please don't feed me cake or cookies- for I am weak at school and I do NOT need them) and break out the paintbrushes.  It is time for school to start!

And that will bring me no small amount of joy

I am?

I had an interesting thing said to me today.

There was a nice little gathering tonight after our first day of inservice at a cute little place in town called the CCC.  The CCC is the Chequamegon Canoe Club- a little bar and restaurant that has good food and occasional local entertainment.  They are pretty cool- an independent bunch who runs the place!

Anyway, we were there as a whole staff and a few of us were standing around chatting and one young elementary teacher was lamenting the fact that her knees hurt right now and she wasn't sure how she was going to handle the race that she was planning to enter soon.  She was discussing pros and cons to a long and a short version of the triathalon she is involved in....  and so she was saying how it is really hard when you expect your body to react in a certain way and how disappointing it is when your body doesn't do what you want----  "you two are both athletes, you know what I mean."

Pause

/Who me?/

" HA that's for sure...." and the conversation continued.

 I tucked that little nugget away for further thought.

Seriously, no one has called me an athlete before- I have gotten a taste of it through weight lifting, I feel like I might do well at that, but for someone to so matter of factly call ME an athlete without qualification is amazing...... and most interesting, she doesn't know me any differently.  She has only known me since I lost weight.

So I guess it is official, right?

It is an interesting thing, this transformation stuff.  There (obviously) are still so many times that I still think the way I always did for so many years.  My brain just doesn't know sometimes that I can walk that far, or climb something or even sometimes make a huge step up or down from one plane to the next- just simple, ordinary things.  I have solved the being able to judge my clothing size problem, but the physical thing is somewhat tougher.  I do get stiff knees and occasionally cuss as I walk down a set of stairs.  But as a rule, I can do what I want, but old old habits and ingrained thoughts are hard to push away.

I am now beyond the weight LOSS transition, and I am into another sort of journey.  I didn't know what goals I was going to have for the year back in January, because I needed this time to change in my mind. I am just beginning to understand that, and a simple matter-of-fact statement - this assumption- helped me realize it.  I have begun wanting to ride a bike, do some more rigorous hiking, continue with my body 'sculpting" such as it is- lol- and branch out a little.  Basically add a little variety.  AND I am SO doing the Dirty Girl Run next year and maybe will get in a color run somewhere too!  Fun!  I feel my focus returning as I tuck away my outdated thoughts and replace them with new knowledge.

And I will do these not so much feeling like I can conquer the world but that I have conquered myself.


And that means I guess I AM!  And athlete?!!   Who knew??

ME!!!

Huh. Well isn't that is a joy!

First day

This is going to be short and sweet, as this laptop is making me really warm!!  NATURALLY, it is über hot this week, since we will be trapped in school.  And so of course people have been asking me if I am anxious to get back to school.

There is no easy answer to this.  The obvious answers are both YES and NO- but it is a yes and no.  I love teaching my kids, I love the energy, the creativity and I love my coworkers.  I don't like meetings, I don't like grading and the other busy work that goes with the job.  I love learning new things, I do like the challenge of finding best practices in teaching to a point, and I enjoy finding ways to connect with kids, but some of the extraneous things that accompany the job are deadly to ones joy.  AND people who think they can do it better are welcome to come in and walk a mile in my shoes.  I double dog dare you.

I THOROUGHLY love finding new ways to involve good technology in my teaching- which will be a challenge this year.  At least to start.  We lost our friend and colleague Mike Garvin this summer.  Our IT guy, our tech guru, our visionary friend who was responsible mostly, for pushing us into a truly cutting edge position in the realm of educational practices.  Our tiny little school is truly one to one computing.  The kids all have their own laptop or device to use during school.  Is it a perfect system?  Oh no, but it is amazing!  People here have no idea how progressive we are!  I don't think people in the community have a clue as a group, we are truly preparing our kids for a life that is going to be their reality.  If you don't like it or "believe" it or think they need it up here, well, you are kidding yourself.  So we as teachers are trying like crazy to stay one step ahead, and continue to prepare to teach in a whole new way at times.  Because you can't just switch up everything all at once, and like we all know- different people learn in different ways. Technology is NOT the best way to teach to everyone, but certainly it is a valuable weapon in our arsenal.

I am looking forward to continuing my elementary art blog, use twitter and Instagram and who knows what else in my HS, and generally be an advocate for integrating technology in our school day.  BUT i want it known that this girl is a hands on, draw with your fingers with pencil and paint with a brush, kind of teacher.  We can do some tech projects, but we also NEED to use art supplies!!!

So as we begin our new year together, we will muddle through and do our best.  And there will be a lot of joy!

Summer musings- part one

I am missing writing in this blog!  But of course I have been doing so many things that I have not have time, so that is good I guess.  But the irony is that the more stuff I do, the more I want to reflect on it!

Smith Lake

And then I keep doing things and taking pictures and want to write more and it really is a cycle, but such is this summer!

It has been a lot of fun, I will say.  And today I am going to continue what the DH calls my on going summer party... and I know he means to tease me.  But hey!  I have a lot to do during the school year and it is my summer and I will do what I want to!  :)

So since I have a few summer posts in me- summer wrap ups I guess you could say- what am I going to do with this one??  TOTALLY random things.  I have some more serious posts that I probably will write but I am still composing and deciding on my voice for those, so I'm going with what pops to mind.

First today I am going to spend the day with my friend Cat, who I have NOT hardly seen all summer.  We usually manage to get to something somewhere a few times- so today it is a trip up to the big lake and Little Girl's Point.  I am excited.  Lots of people from Park Falls go up there and I am anxious to see it! Picnicking, picture taking, beach combing and reading on the beach (someone pinch me- I haven't sat and read all summer) are on the agenda- oh and like I'm not taking my camera bag..... HA!

Secondly, as I go and pour a second cup of coffee, I have found a serious love of my life- a fantastic discovery in a little white bag!!!  It all started with that trip to Bayfield with my teacher friends the Mad-English teacher, Adam, and the Mad-Chemistry teacher, Laurie.  We stopped at that awesome cafe called Coco's in Washburn and I had a sublime fried egg sandwich with pesto (serious yum) and the most fantastic coffee!!!  Well come to find out that the coffee is roasted (single source coffee beans!) in Bayfield at Big Water Coffee Roasters.  AND THEY SELL IT TO MERE MORTALS!!!  The kind I am addicted to right now is the Sumatra Mandheling.  It is so so good.  sigh.  sip.

My house is being sided and beautified right now.  I do have a post about this coming- it is becoming the same gorgeous grey that the garden shed is.  (somehow that sentence sounds funny- and somehow I think that the word "is" is not supposed to end a sentence, but oh well)  

I also have 2 very awesome new trees in my yard- that was fun to go and choose them.... I have another River Birch, to which I am emotionally attached (I love the exfoliating bark) and a COOOOL as can be weeping Crab Apple.  I love the weeping forms of trees and now I know how to keep them weeping and not shooting for the sky!  Duh- cut the rogue branches off.  

One thing that concerns me, and for some reason I am not hysterical about it, is the fact that instead of dropping a little more weight during the summer I have in fact gained about 5 pounds.  Now I am not sure what the heck that is about, but for whatever reason again - I am now choosing to lose it!  I am so calm about it.  I have no real cravings as I cut back my calories a little, and I am not pleased with the fact that my cute jeans are  a little tight, but on the other hand I am already losing some of the weight.  I am so weird sometimes- I wish I was a lot more stable in my whims, wishes and moods, but we all know that won't be happening.  I have had some interesting conversations and read some things that have concerned me with all the crazy things that people get thinking when they are trying to either lose weight or maintain it and I am starting to think that the more you follow "rules" or a "diet" or cut carbs or go low fat or .......... fill in the blank.........  the crazier it is. Seriously, eat what you like only not much of it.  And get off your tookus and move.  I personally am a weight training advocate (surprise!!!!!) and think that by doing some amount of weight lifting you will up your calorie burn, energy level and ability to do your every day activities with ease, but ANY activity is better than nothing.  I read in a health blog recently (and I cant find that particular article right now) that people need to stop vilifying themselves because of the food they have put into their bodies.  I mean an online friend had a breakdown almost about a couple tablespoons of pasta salad!  That poor thing. No one should use their food intake as a measure of their self worth.  Good lord.  It is food- you control it not the other way around.  But I understand,  I have been in that place myself.

Anywho, I have a busy busy week next week.  Our staff is again changing at school- one young teacher has gone to be in the same city as their significant other and so a young person from town gets a crack at teaching at the High School.  I am going to be a mentor again this year, which is always an interesting thing.  There are a badillion new staff members due to moving, spousal job changes and retirements and of course there is the death of our dear friend the IT guy.  Ugh, we miss him so much on both a personal and professional level. He was an outstanding human being.  

And people, I seriously have no idea when I am going to get all my stuff set up in my room.  I will take volunteers from the audience!!!  HAHAHAHA  (no seriously, I have this really good Sumatran coffee I can share......  )  Hey I have time, I will pull it together at some point this week.  But I think there might be one last summer excursion over to Minocqua next Friday.....  :)

OH I have been making pickles, too!  It has been a lot of fun- so far I have 3 kinds going. THAT will be another post soon.

I better get going, I have to start gathering my things for my excursion to Lake Superior.  Not that I have to leave for a few hours, but I have to start putting things into a pile.

And I am sure you can only take so much of my aimlessness. 

Pictures and recipes and more musings are sure to be coming.

And perhaps a bit of Joy

One of my everyday joys!

Be someone's joy today!

A few pictures

I have taken a ton of awesome photos lately and I have barely done a thing with them.

So in order to rectify that wrong I will begin by putting a few here.  These are just a few, as I MUST WALK!!!

I just have the need to put these out!  My joy has mostly returned, people!  whew!

More pix and explanations to come!  :)  And a bit more joy.

Ups and Downs

Life is full of ups and downs, isn't it?  I always forget that when I have a couple week long up time, that I am in for a crash.....  There is always some minor thing that triggers it, but it is like my release valve has to be tripped.

My giddy summer is coming to an end.  My happy time of exercise, eating too much, frolicking where I want, traveling here and there and blissful peace is at a halt.  I am staring another school year in the face  and my brain is beginning the transition.  It is not a peaceful or easy change......  it is troubling, it is difficult and you who do not know me, you who are not teachers, you who are not free spirits should not judge.  Don't tell me about my summer "off", do  not insult me with your- Oh it was bound to end.

I have the need to decompress, to eat chocolate and sit and sulk and I will feel better tomorrow

Except for the 10 pounds.....

I really feel like crying

I have not exercised for a few days, for reasons somewhat out of my control, I have not eaten badly, but I have not eaten real well.  I had a great weekend, but I am always under a lot of pressure, external and internal.  People disappoint me, surprise me, and break my heart.  I sometimes feel trapped and I need to hide or run.

So, if you don't like unhappy posts, sorry

I am not thrilled with them either.

where is my joy today?