Gifts from my mom

The day before my mother died, some one randomly asked me if I was artistic all my life.  Did you always like art things, even when you were young like the elementary students?  I had never thought about it like that, because I don't remember anyone ever saying I was artistic.  But I do know that when I was in 4th grade my mom taught me how to draw horses and that was it.  That was a defining moment of that part of my life.  

This is my mother wishing I hadn't been given a camera! Lol

When I start thinking that through, there are several concepts that pop to my mind.  First of all, apparently my mom knew how to draw.  She was very creative, though she would never have said that out loud and she never defined herself as such.  I can see the proof of that as I think back through my childhood, when she was able to do things as she wished, she could transform a room, sew clothes, knit things, and even did hand photo coloring.  Her work was not displayed prominently, but if you knew where to look her subtle influence was everywhere, while my father's taste were loud and apparent. Second, if she took the time to show me how to draw that first horse, that means I apparently was interested in art.  I remember that I drew a lot, and I tell you it wasn't because of the series of (mostly) bad art teachers I had- but that is for a whole different post someday, or not. I know I practiced and practiced and got attention for it from my peers.  Then only a few years later, she gifted me with a camera.  

I can't imagine why she didnt want us sneaking up on her with a camera

My mom gave me so many gifts that I share with others.  Many of them  came to be through the luck of genetics and many were from the way she lived.  I know my gift of art was a combination of her and my dad.  They were both very gifted people in many ways, but when you spend a good part of your life with a lot of little kids and not a lot of money, you don't have the luxury of creating.  For my dad that came later in life and for my mom, it was sprinkled through out in tiny little pieces. She didn't have a lot to work with (money-wise)  but my mom shared the gift of time and teaching with me- I remember where I was and what she showed me so clearly and it opened up a whole new world. And so I learned to draw.

Mom and Dad and 

My mother didn't like having her picture taken, which is why there are not a lot of them for us to choose from as we begin this final stage of her life.  She took some of the pictures, of course, but when she got me a camera when I was about 12 years old, she usually managed to avoid being in them.***  I wonder if my mom had any idea how she opened up a new world to me when she gave me that little film camera?  It was one of those flat ones with the little bulbs on the top that had 4 sides?  I took so many pictures with it, most of them just bad snapshots, but once in a while I would get a good one and it would give me enough reinforcement to do more.  Plus she kept buying me film and flashbulbs when there wasn't a whole lot of money to spare..... so I started to learn how to take pictures.

Debi and mom and Rosie 

My mom really didn't like to cook all that much, but when  you have 4 little kids  within 5 years, that is what you end up doing.  She also had a variety of other people that she cooked for for various reasons, plus the farm house we lived in had plenty of room for all the relatives that descended on us on any given holiday or celebration, which we loved.   When I  showed interest in learning to cook you can bet that I got a cookbook for Christmas.  I believe the year before I had gotten not one but 2 Easy-Bake baking sets (note- not the oven, which I was a little irritated about, just the cooking sets- we used the big oven, which in retrospect was fine) and thanks to Uncle David for stealing my moms thunder on Christmas Eve, when he gave me the same exact set that mom had  under the tree for me.  Whoops.  I was thrilled to get the second one, let me tell you.  My mom stepped back after making sure I wouldn't burn myself or the house down and let me at it.  Other having ingredients on hand, she rarely intervened.  I was allowed free range of the kitchen.  Eventually it was not only encouraged but expected, but that is how we worked together on things.  Idk what the rest of those deadbeats (lol) did while I was cooking, but they at least had to help with the dishes. She encouraged me to experiment, to try things and rarely did anyone complain.  My mom always was in the background if I needed help and bailed me out more than once...  She might have gotten mad, but I sure don't remember that.  I was free to try.  And I learned to cook.

My mom took care of many, many people. The farm house had a bathroom on the first floor, which was not the case in many houses back in the day, she helped rehab a lot of people.  She also didn't have a job outside the home, which also was not unusual.  My mom was raised by very loving and giving parents, and so she continued that legacy.  She cared for my Grandma Kutz with diabetes at times, a few of my uncles,  later in life my dad, fed a great uncle and his son for 2 years when that uncle lost his wife.  She did so much for them, and I never really felt resentment in her.  I know she got exasperated and annoyed, especially with my grandma, her mother-in-law, but she never really complained.  She opened the house to her parents who at times would stay for a few weeks during corn picking time when Grandpa Oberley would drive the corn truck.  So many people, and it just seemed normal, it was fun for us kids.  I loved having people around then, they were so interesting and I knew they loved me. My mom made everything seem so normal and easy... And I learned to give myself to others.

July 27. 1957

As I mentioned above, we were for the most part, the party givers at our house.  I am not positive how my mom felt about this on any given day, but my dad loved having relatives around.  Our farm house was the family house, where my dad's brothers and sisters grew up and it was pretty big.  And so with a huge living room, dining room and kitchen it was the logical location for get togethers.  I have so many many memories of these parties.  We would have food cooking on the stove, the aunties would bring in the pies and salads and we would store things on the counters, on top of the washer and dryer, in the fridge and out on the steps in the unheated garage.  Little kids were running around and when we got a little older, my sister and I would do "fancy" things and serve people trays of snacks and such.  Again my mom let us do this, bought the things we needed, allowed us our chance to try new things, while she worked in the background making turkey or ham or whatever else needed to be done.  She was so good at orchestrating those meals.   I remember sitting in the kitchen after dinner, listening to mom and my aunties talk, going into the living room to find an uncle to sit by and get hugged, playing with my cousins, surrounded with love.  And I learned how I fit in.

We had a huge garden when growing up, something my dad took particular pride in, and I know my mom was not all that thrilled with.  However, we grew the food, mom got us out in the garden early in the morning before it got too hot to weed it and keep our dad from yelling at us.  She had us all pitch in at least part of the time with the canning and freezing of all this, and while we complained we helped any way. It was a pain, but we would shuck corn or snap beans or dig potatoes and talk and laugh and work together.  My mom kept us after it. We were always hoping she didn't choose us to go into the basement where the potatoes were stored and stick out hands into that dark metal bin.  After we grew up, there was very little garden and I know that she was happy not to ever can again, but putting food up - as they say- is a memory that runs through my childhood.  And I learned about persistence.

My  mom and my favorite kitty

I was admittedly not a very pleasant teenager- in the morning particularly.  I know I was ornery as hell, and I knew that my mom sort of ignored me most of the time when I was like that.  But she tried to get us up for school in a variety of ways that included sending the border collie in to wake us up, which was awesome- and she would some days she would put her head in the door and say the dreaded words: Rise and Shine.  I hated getting woken up by that phrase.  I wonder if she did it to bug the crap out of me, or if she was trying to be positive.  I can respect both of those reasons, really. I am sure that I was not kind to my mother when I was between the ages of 14 and 18, those mornings were horrible, I just didn't want to interact -ever- until after like 9 am.  But having so much experience with teenagers now, I understand what my problem was- I was a teenager.  Years later, when I had kids- not once did she wish a child just like me on me, or roll her eyes at me or anything. She would listen patiently to all the things I wanted to complain about and I loved her for it  I talked to my mom every weekend for at least 30 years. She took my good with my bad and I always knew I could tell her everything.  And I learned about love.

Ella and grandmas

The last time I saw my mom she was very confused but she still knew me.  At least for a while- she got mixed up later and thought I worked there, but as I was leaving I told her that I was afraid  that she wouldn't know who I was.  She looked into my eyes and told me Debi, I will always know you.

I posted a couple of photos on Facebook and am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from all. I so so appreciate all of your thoughts for me and us.  They are overwhelmingly touching.  The comments from some of my former students affected me the most. My high school students that were with me for one semester or 4 years - all of them are special to me.  I love them unconditionally, I know that they are good people who just need to be accepted.  I know that they needed to not be asked to change who they are,  they just need to be encouraged to be the good person they are meant to be.  Even when they were difficult, they didn't mean to be hurtful.  They just needed someone to listen and teach and encourage, and they turned into wonderful adults.....  And that is how I pass what I have learned  from my mom along to others who need me the most.

If you know anything about me, you know that I do love my presents.  When I look back at the gifts I have gotten from my mom, I don't know how I could do anything else other than anticipate more. From a little camera and a drawing lesson, to experiencing the gift of unconditional love, the presents I have gotten from my mother are some of the most precious of all. 

*** I want to say if you do that- avoid the camera because you are "shy" or don't like the way you look or what have you- quit that.  Relax and smile and let your loved ones have pictures- they love you for you.  Not if your clothes look a certain way or whatever- no one important will care. Not a comment against my mom, I have known enough people who regret not getting more pictures of a loved one who "didn't like it".   You still have a chance- do it

Cleaning out and and going back...

So I had a bit of a "Christmas Vacation"moment today.  I went upstairs to do some cleaning, some long long needed weeding out of things that are no longer needed.  And part of the cleaning involved boxes in the upstairs closet.

Of course, I did not have on the turban! 

Because Ella was here this past weekend, I was thinking about the toys that used to litter the floor in years gone by and started looking for them. I found some over the weekend, but today I found more.  And along with the clothes and the stuffed animals came a whole lot of memories.

I know that a lot of them were stirred by Christmas and Ella and the potential little ones that are and will be coming.  The laughs, the smiles, the exasperation and irritation all comes as part of the job of being a parent.  And it all becomes part of your story, your family tale.

So I washed up some blankets and other things that my mom and my Grandma made and cleaned up some toys that have been in storage for many years and I will be ready for lil visitors and be able to give things for little ones to be!

I guess if I already had my allotted amount of family time for the season already, I will choose to indulge in some family time from the past.  Each thing that I saw today, discovered while Ella Bella was here, each item that was cleaned up from lack of use, made me think of those boys.  That baby fine hair, those little hands and feet-- the squealing voices, the toothless grins.  Everything has a memory attached and those memories flowed today.

I did not keep a lot, but it was just enough.  To make a joy giver happy when her babies have grown up and moved away.  It was enough for today.

Don't let anyone steal your joy- life is too short

Smile, Relax, Enjoy, Cherish, Remember

June wrap-up 1: Mom

I am dying to do some blogging, so instead of trying to do a long few, I am going to do several short and fast ones.  The first thing I am going to blog is my mom....

I am so pleased to have these 4 gen pictures!  It is so nice to have my mom holding her great granddaughter.  She still knows Jon and Sarah, so that makes it extra special.  Lol, she sort of didn't know what to say, so she kept saying.... "remember when....." and then would tell people her 4 kids' names.  It made me smile instead of making me sad.  So here are a few pix of mom holding Ella Grace and Jon, mom, Ella and I.  It was cute- she looked so torn between staying to play bingo and coming with us when we finally found her that afternoon.  For just a second... thanks Ma!  Lol

You would hardly know that my poor mother had broken a bone in her neck just a few months ago.  Wow.  She is a tough woman, so resilient, stubborn and yet sweet.  I hope to have some of those sorts of traits when I get to be her age and older.  Unfortunately, I think I will have a potty mouth, which my mother decidedly does not have.  :D

My awesome SIL- Darlene with mom and Ella

So, this was part of my weekend, sandwiched in between babysitting Ella and going to Chicago, which I will hit later in the day!

Like I said yesterday, it has been a wonderful June!

A real joy in so many ways

PS:
To go along with my mom, I have to say on the way to Chicago I had to drive right by the farm.  I was very very agitated all morning thinking about it, which I didn't realize until I started driving, and so I forced myself to look.  I hadn't planned to look for at least a year, but my need to travel overruled my basic "headinthesand" urges and instincts.  It was horrible.  But on the way home I allowed myself to really look and come to terms with the end of that part of my life.  EVERYTHING is gone except for the metal building that can hold the farm equipment.  The silos, the green half round shed, the trees....  It is surprising and shocking, but I think it is better that it is all wiped clean and almost unrecognizable.

Just Wow

And I did not take a picture

Have I mentioned that it's cold??

I am sure there are those of you tired of hearing about the weather and all, esp. if you are on facebook, or heaven forbid one of my texting buddies. But I am thrilled to say that it is SO cold that there is no school today!

A very wise friend of mine said that I should make sure to enjoy it because the day will go fast.  And wow there is truth to that!!  So, there will be no laundry done, no vacuuming, no closet cleaning or things like that.  A book will be read, the blog will be written, and I will go later this day to the gym, because those are things that will give me some enjoyment on this little gift of a day.  MAYBE I will do a tiny bit of online shopping??  Whatever I do, this found time is sort of like found money, you just need to sometimes do what you want, not what  you need.

Unfortunately, I never get to stay in my robe all day, as I have this cute horse out there who needs feeding.  So, not moving out of the house is not a possibility.  I can delay that until about 8 am, but after that, I just have to be dressed up and outside.

I have not posted pix from the last few weeks, so that is going to be rectified right now!  :)

Lazy Saturday morning.....

winter scene

I have a series of 4 pix of a few of my favorite people!  

Jon and my mom

My brother and his granddaughter

Mad-seester Rose and Emily

Eddie and Bella

The ice shacks are back!

Dramatic lighting in late afternoon

Life is a journey

Milkweed pods

Stone house

Frosty morning a few weeks ago at school.

Someone needs to NOT leave her camera laying around for the students to find!  :)
I'm sure I had something cute on underneath this tragic art shirt!!

No matter what, love this tree and this sky

So, here is my cold weather, enjoy the day, use it like I want, I need to read sort of a day post.....  I discovered a lot of joy already!

Find your joy today and stay WARM!!!!

A little shocking to me

So in my last post I was downloading some pix from my facebook page for the previous post.  I wanted the race pic of Sarah and I and was looking for another that might have a less toothy smile from me, and I scrolled backwards instead of forward and found this picture.  This could have been my very first profile picture? I really don't think so, but I guess it is possible.  It was taken when we had the bridal shower for Jon and Sarah.  

Wow.  Just wow.

Joy comes in reinvention, too.

Saying goodbye......

You can't go home again

A few weeks ago, I was in Janesville visiting my son and daughter-in-law and also catching up with  and meeting old and new friends.  It was overall a wonderful trip, however much driving I did!  One thing I had on my list, was to stop back at the farm, where I needed to check out and see what things were left there and what might need to be rescued before we have it cleaned out.

I have been getting used to the idea of this not being my home for a long time now.  The first part of this transition of course came from my college days.  Once you leave home like that, you just don't quite feel like you belong there anymore.  Which is the way it is supposed to be I am sure!  Growing up, maturing, spreading your wings and striking out on your own: all part of life.  But I still felt like I could live there, and did.  It was a little disconcerting when they erased all traces of my room the fall after my last summer living there.  Dad always said he was going to cut off our rooms as we moved out so we couldn't move back in again. We always laughed at that, but little did my brother Russ or I realize that they were sort of going to do that!!!  They knocked out the wall between our rooms and made themselves a giant bedroom.  Can you imagine??  Rose and Ed had rooms upstairs, and none of us wanted to go up there!!

My old room that became mom and dad's room

Mom and Dad's original room- later the guest room

The next phase of course was getting married and moving away from the house.  In my case, I moved clear over to the other side of the state.  I was in a remote area, and I was an urban kind of girl.  What the heck was I thinking??  The family farm was a place of refuge, a place that was warmer, safe, familiar.  People loved me there, they did not think I was a stranger, an interloper, someone who dared to have a mind of her own.  Quiet little Debi was quite the boat rocker in the north.  Who knew?  I was glad to dive into the warmth of my familiar surroundings, and Fred had to find a way to nestle in himself.  I think he did, because there was a lot of mutual adoration going on between him and my parents.

The kitchen 

But over the years, I began to feel like I fit in up north.  My family helped me flow into the stream of the community and I developed deep, rich friendships.  I discovered who was important in my life and who I really only needed to see once or twice a year, in spite of living in the same town.  The family farm was a place then to vacation!  The kids loved it there, the Grandparents were thrilled to have us come and visit. We did so many things together, enjoyed each other's company, had family gatherings large and small.  My brothers and sister had families and we all became close, even though we were spread out all over the state and one in Minnesota!  We always met up and hung out at the farm.

The last few years have been difficult to deal with, but I have adjusted, yet again.  My mom lived alone for several years after my dad died.  Home became a place to come to terms with the end of my childhood as I knew it.  My daddy was gone, my mom is going.  You process the fact that things will never be the same, you could never go back to what you had when life seemed simple and safe.  It is a really hard transition, but things do get easier.... sort of.  We had to move mom to an assisted living facility a few years ago, and that is when the farm has changed from home to house.  Indeed, it is not the place you live, it is the people you live with that make a home.  My family home, the place I lived from kindergarten through my wedding is no longer there.  The house is, the home is not. The furniture is being dispersed, the belongings have been tucked into cars and taken to other locales.  The memories are stored in each of us.  Soon, the rest of the "stuff" that life brought to the farm will be gone, cleaned out and the house will be emptied.

It had gotten to a point lately that going to the farm was not hard to do.  It wasn't painful, it might have been a little eerie, a little spooky in a way, but not hard.  This trip was hard.  I saw it in tones of sepia, shades of nostalgia, with a few brush strokes of regret.  As Jon, Sarah and I walked through, we could see why houses need to be lived in.  Leaks have developed, things have fallen a little into disrepair.  This old house needs to be lived in again, and unfortunately it might not be someone from the family.  There is so much work that needs to be done inside, it is really dated in many places, but there are some nice parts as well.  The original house was built in 1848!  The year Wisconsin became a state- it is pretty cool when you think of it in historic terms.  There are huge timbers inside the walls, its infrastructure is sound.  It just needs to be battened down and prettied up.  It SHOULD be restored to it's original victorian splendor.

I was emotionally saying goodbye to many things- childhood (but that'll never go away completely!), my parents, my old home.  I don't know if the transition will be totally complete until the house belongs to someone else, but I know that the next trip won't smack me between the eyes like this one did.....

So many transitions but so important to life.  Find your joy even through your tears.