Hello again. Its been a while...
So I have a draft all full of angst and reasons and discussion and gnashing of teeth sitting in my queue and I just dont know if it is all necessary. That happens to me sometimes when I am working through shit. Which is what I am doing right now. There is likely going to be a few things with no actual context here, but its what I need to do right now.
To cut through all the verboseness that is me, I had an inconsequential, yet jarring thing happen to me right at the very start of my June getaway and it rattled me enough to ask myself a very difficult question. At the heart of it all is an acquired lack of confidence or hutzpah that I used to have. I've turned into a mass of goo in my inner core; instead of a crunchy, sweet, spicy center, I have angsty goo. Not a fan.
My brain blurted out who the hell even are you anymore. I see myself as a result of trying to make all the people "like me", and it isn't really working out well. A mixture of retiring and covid and personal choices and lack of structure has resulted in a lot of anxiety. I find it hard sometimes to imagine why or how I can be a value to anyone. Of course when I mention this to a close friend or two, they tell me how its not true, but I really have moments of doubt.
But if there is one thing I learned when I quit dieting and had some significant life coaching, it is that my thoughts are not always my truth. So I am on a quest to find truth. I have filled the days since the structure of my days that was my well loved job, was removed from my life (by my choice, mind you. And overall I do not regret it) with things to hopefully fulfill me. And a lot of it just rings hollow. I am doing things I think will be good for me, and mostly they just fill the time.
I have had several things present themselves to me over the last few days- Instagram posts, emails, ideas - that have rung true. Removing things and people who do not serve me, finding my joys and inspirations, value the people who are the most important, both near and far. I'm trying not to imagine what people think of me or what the future holds because I truly don't know. We shall see and time will tell. The things I worry about the most are usually not a problem, and much of it just doesnt matter.
I have no idea what isnt serving me yet, but I feel that is surfacing. I am not sure what I need to bring back into my life, to find my joy, but some of those things are starting to bubble up as well. I need to find my authentic self again. So many things have changed me, and I almost never have resisted. Overall, I have a lot of good things in life. But something is missing.
If you know what that is, please let me know. Lol. As for the other post, I probably will let that sit for a while and see what happens. Blogger has changed a bit since I last posted, so I have no idea if anyone will even see this. And if that is true then I guess that is fine too. This is a way of me figuring my way through some powerful words and forces that have appeared lately. I know that writing makes me feel the power, and I know that my art does as well.
I scanned through my posts to see when I started this blog and it was back in 2011. Wow! What I like is how this has been a nice way to record odd things that happen that I would never remember. Or save big events in picture form. I feel like maybe I should do that again. Maybe that is something that will begin my journey back to me.
