What a gorgeous Tuesday!

So I got finished with all of my galavanting around on Monday, and had contacted the Mad-English teacher about a possible kayak excursion for Tuesday.  It had, after all, been 2 weeks since I had last gone- GASP!!

I have secured a dandy roof rack and kayak holder of late, and I knew that I could transport 2 on this set up. And so I did!

We opted to head on over to Butternut Lake for a change of scenery (or Buttermilk Lake as some of my map functions call it- hehehe) and a different experience.  It was a just GORGEOUS day yesterday.  Perfect for kayaking.  The temp when we got to the Chippewa boat-landing was probably 60 or so, and it was clear and beautiful.

Kayaking a lake is a different experience from the river, where of course there are currents to work with.  The lake has weird things that go on- I have no idea how one can drift into the wind, sideways, at times, but whatever.   It was a lot of fun at any rate.

We were out on the lake for over 3 hours- and paddled 7.4 miles!  One would think that I would have slept well last night, but that is a story for another post I guess.  We were so SO hungry when we got finished- not only did we spend at least on hour more  out there than at least I imagined, it is also some work hoisting those kayaks on top of my car.  That first trip with the new set up was a little nerve-wracking, but we got it!  The MA had helped me in the morning (I am too damn short to get that thing up on my Acadia myself- boo) and then I ended up following him into town.  The boat did slip a little on the way into town, but we decided that it wasn't going anywhere, but did set it back into place and battened it down a little better.  When Adam and I dealt with it later, it all went super smoothly.  WHEW!  Since we plan to go longer distances later this summer, this was a great practice!

We cruised  almost the entirety of the lake, which obviously is over 3.5 miles long.  We saw the eagle and the corresponding eagles' nest, lots of ducks and loons, tadpoles, and a lot of nice docks and pontoon boats!  Such a lovely place.

Today is looking cloudy and gloomy, so I am glad that I got the kayak bug out of my system for a few days.  Looking like it is supposed to be sunny later in the week, so I am seeing a solo trip or two in my future as well.

I need to accomplish a few things at home today, as I have a new fun adventure coming up next week.  A real adventure!  And I will tell you about that soon.

Until that time, have yourself a joyful day!!

Adventures and firsts

I will be experiencing some firsts here in the next day or so!  I am going to actually fly for the first time and also see mountains!  Mountains not through the window of a bus, or just felt as we slid up and down the seats (or one time the aisle) in the middle of the night.

It will also be the first time I have been west of Missouri, unless you count the middle of freaking no where North Dakota, which I try to blot out of my childhood collection of memories.  But that is a different story all together.

I am headed to Denver on an airplane and my friend and I have exactly 3 missions.  To hike in the Denver area.  To drive in the mountains.  To eat as much ethnic food that we can possibly fit in.  And I have one more mission and that is to see my friend Lori, who I miss with my heart and soul and I can't wait to see and hug and talk with and laugh and smile at.  :)  We do  not want to over plan this trip, since it isn't a long one.  But we want to have a list of alternatives and ideas.

This trip all started when I hesitantly admitted to the Mad-English teacher that I had never flown, this was probably 2 - 3 years ago.  Before I booked my trip to Italy last fall.  He said to me then that I should tell him when and he would meet me at the airport and we could fly somewhere- even like Florida- where we could arrive, walk around the area a little and then get back on a plane and fly back.  Now at the time that sounded fun, but obviously that didn't happen. So this idea has cropped up here and there, Seattle was discussed along with a few other places.  Denver was settled on because of the whole mountain thing, but I am getting ahead of myself.

When I booked my trip to Italy next summer, I knew that I really really needed to be on an airplane before I flew for 12 hours in one shot.  It just seemed like a good idea for me, personally.  Originally the plan was to stay just overnight and then it was stretched out a bit, because for heavens sakes, if you are going- you might as well stay a few days.

I am a little hesitant about admitting that I have never flown before at the age of 50 something, as someone in my past found the need to ridicule me for such a thing. And I think I was my 30's - I don't even remember who it was, but it sort of stayed with me.  I realize now that really that is no reason to feel bad, the trips I have gone on were by bus.  It isn't that I have never gone anywhere, I just never had a chance to go on a plane!  Whatever!  Wouldn't it be nice if all people were as encouraging as the folks in my life are right now??  I have had so many people tell me how I will love it, how it is like a big bus, that I won't have claustrophobia, and even sent me pix out the window from an airplane ride in progress.  I have amazing friends and relatives.

So I have thought through this whole thing, and I have decided I am not really afraid to fly.  I am a little nervous/anxious about it, just because it will be brand new.  I have had enough people talk to me about what will happen that I know I will be fine.  And I have an awesome buddy who will be there to talk to- undoubtedly without stopping for the entire 2 hour trip.  :)

So, mountains- I have been to New York twice and to Florida twice and each time I have barely seen the eastern range through the bus window at night or in the early morning when everything was fuzzy.  Or, I felt the bus rolling up and down as we headed south....  I have always been bummed out about that. So it will be mountains with a vengeance for us!  YAY!  And if you have been following along, you know that the Mad-English teacher and I are all about the hiking (or kayaking or biking or snowshoeing) so we will be in a good place.

I have had to have a sister consultation about this whole packing for an airplane thing- she is such a peach!  So I am all ready for the adventure, this evening before departing. I am a bit nervous people!! I am not worried about any of it other than I am just plain old anticipating a new experience.

So as you can imagine- pictures will be forthcoming.  Stay tuned!  :)

There will be some joy involved!  Have a fantastic week.

Father's Day 2015

Ah,  Father's Day.....  I always feel sort of bad on Father's Day.* All these people hugging their fathers and all the pictures just sort of bums me out.  I am not saying they shouldn't do it, but you know what I mean!

Dad and little Debi

And Father's Day didn't lure in the children either, so I don't get to enjoy them as a result of this day either, lol.  The elusive Mike did come over last night and stayed a nice long time.  It was great to listen to he and his dad talk.  You can do a lot of reconnaissance by staying quiet and listening.  So all is well and busy in his world.

Anywho, back to Father's Day, it has been long enough that I don't openly cry anymore about the lack of a person to celebrate, but it certainly does make me melancholy.  It still feels funny not to have a father around anymore.  And the MA's father has been gone even longer, so we are sort of afloat today.

Ok, positive spin for the day.  Being able to recognize that you are feeling bad because you no longer have a father is a sign that that father did a pretty good job of raising you.  While certainly not perfect, I truly believe most people do the best they can with what they have to work with at the time.  There was no doubt that our father loved us, though he did not show it very often.  He wasn't a huggy, touchy/feely person- unless you were a really little kid, then he was.  He loved babies and toddlers.  It was a hoot to watch him with the little ones.  When he was in a good frame of mind he would talk and talk and be very entertaining. I really do have fond memories growing up with him.  He was gone a lot, because he was a farmer, but he was a steady influence on life at home.  He did not go to the bars, he did not hurt us, he gave us the best life he could, though some of us had to do some fast talking to get our college education and get out of the immediate area!  (You are welcome, the rest of you in my family) And like I said, we knew we were loved.

Anyway, that is my Father's Day post, I really don't want to make myself all weepy, so I will leave this like this. I hope if your daddy is alive you get to go and see him or at least talk to him.  If not, then I hope you, like me, can have a few memories that make you smile through a tear or two.  If you have no relationship with your actual father, then I hope you can connect with that father figure in  your life today.  And if you ARE a father, I hope you get to hug your kids today.

Have a lovely day everyone!  May it give you lots of love and buckets of joy.

*Ah, rats, I reread this old post and now I am sort of crying....  oh well.

Vacation within the vacation

I had a really good start of the summer traveling around the state of WI and a little Minnesota and Illinois this past week.

I set this trip up sort of backwards- my cousin Karla knew that I frequently traveled south right after school is done, so she invited me to come to her daughter's graduation.  This is somewhat precipitated by the fact that her mother- my FAAAAAVorite auntie from my childhood- stopped by here in February while visiting a friend in nearby Phillips, WI.  Regardless, I was invited to this graduation and I realized it was a great opportunity to catch up with the relatives that I haven't seen in a very long time.  So, cut to my phone call with my sister and asking her if she maybe was interested in going as well!  Which allowed me the opportunity to just invite myself over to her house before that, so yeah, that I how I ended up with a vacation within a vacation.

In case you all didn't notice I was a little stressed during the last few weeks of school.  And this get away allowed me to divest myself of much of my upset.  Being with my sister does that to me, and getting out of the Northwoods into the more urban environment is the best way to start summer- except of course for our required post school visit to Bayfield.

Lego garden decorations/art at the Arbo

Peony walk was open

A Nevelson in the sculpture garden!!  YAY

It was the best 6 days.  Among the other things that we did, the three of us girls, Rose and Emily and I, all went to have a pedicure.  It was Emily's first one and that was pretty cool.  The spa we went to has huge windows where you can sit and look out at the woods. Rose and I then headed over for a walk/drive at the arboretum nearby.  It was such a nice afternoon.

AWWWW LUCKY

There was Thursday then, when I did not have to get out of my pajamas until 11 am!!  That never happens and as I said on FaceBook AND Twitter- I won Thursday.  We were chatting on her screen porch (it was raining and it was awesome) and just relaxing.  YAY!  Throw in some lovely shopping and a meal or two out and about (INDIAN FOOD!) and it was just perfect.

Friday found us heading south to the oldest Mad-Son's  house to stay for the weekend.  We had a good drive and a nice time with them.  Of course, Ella was in fine form.  LOVE that kid, oh my gosh.

Ever entertaining

We are sleepy yet

SO!! The best BEST Gramma moment ever:  We got to their house in the mid afternoon, and Ella was at her last day of daycare.  Sarah needed to shop alone and do some things around her house.  So Jon picked the kid up when he was finished with work.  We were in the livingroom when they got home and she heard voices when they came in the garage entrance to the house.  She came around the corner, saw me and I said her name.  She LITERALLY threw her coat over her shoulder, raised her little arms in the air and RAN TO ME!!!!  I, for all intents and purposes, rarely wasn't holding her for the rest of the weekend.  I, by the way, also won Friday.  :)  Sarah and Jon are awesome hosts and we had a lovely time with them.

Selfie with aunt Ruth

Cousins!

My dad's siblings- Linda, David and Ruth with Cathy- David's wife off to the side!

Rose with Karla and Linda

Saturday, Rose and I drove down to the other side of Rockford for the graduation party.  When we arrived we saw in the middle of room a table full of aunties and an uncle and a few cousins we haven't seen in a long long time.  It was so nice to see them again, and we talked and talked until they all had to leave.  I have a few pictures, and I definitely regret not getting a table shot of them all.  One of my cousins, Kurt, I have not seen probably since he was in High School! He looks so much like my uncle Larry, it was amazing.  I got "Deborahed" by my aunt Cathy- as in she called me Deborah which NO one does anymore.  It was pretty funny.  I can not begin to express how wonderful it was to spend time with these ladies and my uncle David.  And to do a little reconnecting with my cousins- this is where FaceBook is awesome.  I feel like I know a couple of them because we have recently become FaceBook friends, and I had some working knowledge of their families.  Fun stuff.

AWWWWWWW

Relaxing on that awesome screen porch

Sunday we drove (well, Rose drove as my arm was exhausted from all the driving I had done plus little miss who was my BFF for the weekend) back to the cities on Sunday, and I waited until Monday to leave.  I had a nice breakfast with a friend of mine at The People's Organic and had a really great curried tofu scramble.  SO GOOD! 

All sorts of yum

My Minne friend, Bonnie

Anyway, I needed that trip.  It was a perfect way to distance myself from school and truly relax.  My sister is the best!!!  I had such a nice time with her and Bill and Emily.

Family time is a sure way to get your daily dose of joy!

The reality is

I recently learned that the absolute bravest person I know in this whole world is really no braver than I am.  This was an astounding realization that sort of shook up what I "knew" in this world to be true.  Well, I guess it didn't change the course of my entire life, but you know what I mean.

I am not going to go into the specifics here, but this has been a bit of a game changer inside of me.  I have always known this person to defy what others thought and did what they really wanted to do. Unlike myself, who was frequently bound by the thoughts, desires and my own assumptions of what others expect of me.  I follow too damn many rules, ya know?

This person, it turns out, did many things because they were filling a role that their significant other wanted them to play.  OR more precisely the role that they assumed that this other person wanted them to play.  So bravery?  Yes to a degree, but more accurately, they were changing what they were and doing things that really their authentic self didn't necessarily feel was right.

I have been guilty of such actions myself.  I  have, in the past, assumed someone who matters wants me to be one way or the other.... and I have tried to become more "right".  Fortunately, I have also found this to have absolutely no basis in reality and is not worth the time and effort.  The people who really matter don't want you to change for them, for the most part.  Well, they probably can think of a few annoying things they wish you wouldn't do, but overall, the essence of you is what they value.

I am in a state of figuring out what my essence is. The essence that is right for me and not what someone else thinks I should be. I am not a "loser" (weight loser),  I am not just a vegetarian- I eat food, and really what the food is should not be of consequence.  I am not just a mother or grandmother or teacher or anything else that implies a role, even though those are roles I am willing to accept - I am just me.  And the way I am inside needs to be good enough.  The revelation of this supposed brave role model of mine has reminded me that things are not always as they seem.  That whole walk a mile in someone else's shoes speaks volumes.

The last year has been interesting in regards to my health and happiness- I have had Lyme's disease, my gym closed and then I, as you well know, broke my stupid elbows.  I have had a bit of a Renaissance.  I am looking at things in a different way than I have before.  I am attempting to not wait until the "right time" to do things that I really want to do.  One of those things is coming up here very shortly and I will be sharing soon. I am in charge of my own path in life and I realize that what I do won't always have obvious reasons behind them, but that is not something everyone will be privileged to know.

So, I want you to know that the revelation regarding this person does not actually change my opinion of them in any way.  I actually still regard them as one of my bravery role models, because of what ever the intention was- they still did some pretty amazing things.  Even if they would never do any of those things again!  It makes them memorable and full of awesome.  And I really do want to be just like them when I grow up and get brave myself.  Which I think I kind of am.  And I like it.

Go forth and be a brave joy giver!  And do it with passion.

Summer bliss

It is raining in Minneapolis and I am sitting on my sister's porch listening to the quiet. Drinking coffee and waking up after a second really good night's sleep. My traumatic end of school is a distant memory (was it really less than a week ago?) and I feel more relaxed than I have in many weeks.  

This is the summer i needed. Feeling like I'm having my batteries recharged. Reconnecting with people. Sleeping. Traveling. Relaxing. 

More to come soon, but for meow I have coffee to drink!  

And some more joy to find. Xoxo

Isn't it interesting...

I had a pretty good first day true summer vacation yesterday.  I got in a nice 12 mile bike ride, I got some laundry done, a little cleaning and I did some sitting and thinking and relaxing as well.

Instead of finding someone to go out to lunch with, I stayed home and did exactly the things that I wanted to.  I also had a good session with my life-coach.  I needed this so much, I had some things to sort out and understand some of the deep sadness and anxiety that I have been feeling lately.  It was exhausting and I needed a lot of reflection time.  So I took that time, guilt free, instead of feeling like I should do such and so, or avoided it by going to do something else.  Sometimes you have to feel all the feels, including the ones that suck.

One of the writing prompts (for lack of a better phrase) that she gave me to help sort through my stuff, was "Isn't it interesting..." and you simply write endings to this phrase as it pertains to your point of anxieties or troubles.  I find that I had a bit of a backslide towards feeling bad about myself when I had these ongoing stresses.  I have been feeling good, overall, about myself in the last few months, which is like the first time freaking EVER in my life.  Which is not an exaggeration at all. It made me question everything that I was doing and felt insecure about almost every relationship that I have.  I had been finally at peace, mostly, about many things in my life  and most specifically about the way I look and how I eat.   Anyway, when I was finding myself not at all confident in anything again- it was time to talk and write about it.

This little exercise was quite instructive - when I read my responses - the flood of words that I wrote down yesterday afternoon and then again in the evening, I found a lot of things to think about.  No judging, no editing, just writing and then reading and reflecting.   It was good.  I feel more relaxed and happy this morning than I have in weeks.  I slept much better and feel like I am BACK to my usual self.  And that is good because I like my usual self!

So my first adventure begins today later.  I am off to visit the seester for a few days.  I love going to cities and this summer is looking to be sprinkled with city visits.  YAY!  For now tho, the Twin Cities it is!  I have a few things to do first, so I should make up my list and plan the day.

I am not sure if I will be blogging or not for the next few days, but you know that I will be finding my joy... and I hope you will too.