Do I really have to?

 It has been an interesting time here in the land of Oswald, what with odd gurglings and late in the weekend, backups and goo in the kitchen sink and bathtub.  Just because why the hell not.  Without going into gory, gooey detail, I am fortunate enough to have a plumber (and actually an electrician) who I rarely bother but can text if something arises.  And they come fairly swiftly, which makes me their biggest fan.  Ever.  Anyway, I was waiting for my wonderful plumber and son this morning, with nothing on my radar except being able to use my sink, bathtub and extraordinarily important dishwasher again. In less than an hour an old pipe was replaced and I was on my way to running the dishwasher full of a few days worth of dishes.

Sitting there in relief after they left, I was wondering what to do next.  It is cool outside today, but very wet from the rain last night.  I dont have to do anything really and it would just be a muddy, soggy mess to garden.  So, what to do? Inside,  I have plenty of options.

I was turning over some possibilities and had that old adage of "what would you do if today was your last day" float through my head and I was thinking about meaningful things to accomplish. I thought about what would be an important, satisfying  thing to do. Something that was visible.  I mean what if it was?? My last day??  Do you really want your people to look through your dresser and think what a messy, hoarder of art supplies and grandchildren art you are? 

Well, seriously, no.  However..... this seems a little like a western world sort of idea- if you aren't accomplishing something, are you even worthy?  Do I really have to live my days like it could be my last??  Is that necessary?  

I mean, there are people I would go see or call if that were true.  Maybe a place to visit, or a book to read or a blog to post to.  But cleaning out my dresser isn't one of them.  Perhaps I am interpreting it the wrong way, but you know what I mean, I think.  Because making my house and belongings look like I am not anything less that a superstar of cleanliness is not going to be on that particular agenda.  So,  I think I will just let the day unfold.  

I get secretly stressed out when house issues arise, especially when I used all the tricks I have in my arsenal to fix that plumbing issue.  It bothered me a lot. It probably calls back to the day when a plumber was not particularly easy to contact.  I personally deal with most of the stuff like that that comes up, as my mother always told me to do it myself.  "Men are usually not around when you need them anyway".  lol.  My mom was a hoot,  and correct for the most part.  Some men do not have those skill sets or they are at work and can't do more than message/call a professional anyway.  Or try to make me the go-fer, which I am not a good one of those.  Too defiant.  So, I just do it myself.  Now if I need a tree cut down or the lawn mowed, things shoveled, cabins built, a driveway "fixed" (iykyk*)  or any number of other things, I got a guy here who is pretty good at that stuff.  Oh and accounting too.  He's really good at that.  

So anyway, I think I am going to make a leisurely lunch and unload the now finished dishwasher and probably paint some beehives, because that color gives me joy.  Not because of some stupid saying that has taken up space in my mind for who knows how long.  Another false cultural idea to pitch out onto the burn pile.  

Anyway, that is my thought for the day.  I dont know where these things are coming from, but lately I am challenging a lot of things I used to "know" to be true.  Its an interesting experience. I have ideas but that is another post some day. 

Challenge your beliefs. A lot of them are just not serving you.  Throw them on the burn pile. You got this.

*if you know, you know

The Ups and Downs of this Birthday month

Life does have a way of changing things up right when you think you have it down pat, doesn't it.  We all know that is what happens, intellectually.  Emotionally, though, you wonder- a. what the hell was that all about? and b. Certainly this is done now and I can have a little peace.  Well, that may or may not happen depending on a whole host of circumstances, but I am willing to not bring new variables into life and cause an uproar-------  I hope.

I have hinted at the fact that I have had something going on in my house and it includes some kitchen work.  It is about freaking time, as the same vinyl floors I have had for 25 or so years was starting to look worn, not to mention the other little things that drive one crazy.  So suffice it to say, I am putting things back in their spot, and I am having one of those purge moments.  I am going through my cabinetry and literally considering every single thing and either keeping it or boxing it up.  There is no letting it slide this time, as I have done in the past.  Sometimes you have to just drop the emotional attachment and the stories you think of and how you know who gave that to you for a wedding present, though you haven't touched it hardly since you got married and you are pretty sure none of the children want it.....  This is going to lead to a major household purge. The MA is a little worried - lol.

Speaking of whom, a couple days ago, when I was deep in a battle with a few lines of grout on the new flooring- he came in to the house early, as it was raining, and we were looking at some pretty magnificent cloud formations.  We decided to go for a ride- with my camera in hand.   I shot in a few places and ended up on Butternut Lake, where there was a great view to the east of the colored clouds from the sun over the lake-- and since we were right by the Butternut Resort, we went in for a few minutes for a drink.  He said to me: after all, it is birthday month.  awwww.  I have not had a lot of time to celebrate birthday month.  I have had a bit of emotional turmoil going on, some of it completely unexpected, and my joy has not been too prevalent these days.  So a nice amber Fat Tire did sort of help, as well as talking with Dick and being some place different and doing a photo shoot didn't hurt one bit.

I'm in a place of having so many things to do and not a lot of time to do them.  The mosquitos this summer are a problem, so you have to be fully dressed and armed with lots of spray to brave the day. A good stiff breeze does help a lot.  So not a lot of weeding is going on, and wow do I need to do that.  And of course the windows have not been washed yet (NOT my fave thing to do) and I haven't posted one single thing about my trip to Oregon.....  and on and on.  Oh well.

I am going to take a few days this coming week to just do things around the house with no big agenda.  And cook a few things as I want to.  And probably take a little day trip or two because that needs to happen.  And being to enjoy my birthday month a bit more.

Every year is different, and life isn't guaranteed to be happy during these particular birthday month days, but we sure can look for the joys that are always there.  Even if other things have popped up and thrown a shadow over them.  So I'll be looking for that silver lining, that alternate point of view- sometimes looking to the east during a sunset is the very best view of all.

Flashback

I couldn't help naming this post "Flashback".  I really wanted to call it Flash Forward, but that REALLY wouldn't have made sense.  Now most people wouldn't be surprised by that either, but that is ok.  I will stay, for the moment, making sense.  I have been watching- and indeed finished watching- BReaking BAd last night.  A LOT of the last season revolved around trying to figure out what was going on because they showed you some Flash forwards.... come to think of it, there were several flashbacks, too, so I guess this does make sense after all.

AAAANYWAY, yesterday - by day of the week- was one year since I had my unfortunate fall on the road.  Today is the actual date, but it felt more familiar yesterday, a Sunday. The set up was similar, as it was the day before what is essentially the first day of the semester.  Different from last year, I wouldn't have been NEARLY as ready for that all to happen as last year.

I am not feeling at all sentimental about that day today.  I have no desire to post a what-I-have-learned sort of post, mostly I am noting it's passing.  I learned a lot about life and myself in this past year.  I know I have the most fantastic group of friends and family!  There are so many people that gave me support in so many ways, including a couple far-flung, but close, friends who attempted to help me keep my sanity and for the most part succeeded.  HAHA.  Seriously, though, even if I was in some serious denial, I had their words in my ear nudging me gently towards the enlightenment.  And man, I did not want to hear it.  Good thing they were persistent.

I was delighted to spend my afternoon with my friend the Mad-Science teacher, snow shoeing behind her house!!  It was really nice to hike around somewhere different.  And she has some killer hills back there- which was interesting to conquer.  We had a  nice walk, and she got to try out her new shoes.  When I got home, the elusive Mike was here and he had just gone for a snowmobile ride- and so I asked him to finish off a mile plus route around the field and back field, which he kindly did.  So I spent a little more time outside doing that as well.

The rest of the afternoon I spent reading and after the MA got  back in the house watched some football, and when the Broncos managed to win- watched the rest of the BB 5th season.  We did get to FaceTime with Jon and Sarah and Ella and saw a little bit of miss Ava.  Who was out like a light!  Lol.  I am thinking Ella is feeling the effects of a new baby sister juuuuuuust a little.  Both Ella and I will be excited for Friday to get here and Gramma Debi to arrive.

I have a bunch of photos to edit yet, I took some on Saturday when we were seeing some sun.  It was a very exciting day- lol- it doesn't take much to make me happy here.  I am glad I was out in it for a few hours Saturday, as the sun isn't going to be showing up for a long time now.  Saturday also found us visiting with Greg and Sarah and the kids.....  it is so amazing that they live near us.  I still find it a little other-worldly.  I'll take it!!

2016, you are doing really well so far!  Good job, carry on!  And don't forget to include some generous amounts of joy!

Life's little surprises

Until the minute I wrote that title I was going to write a general little random post, because it is bothering me that after a strong start to the year (HAHA thanks to my January incident) I have been sliding in the blogging department. It was going to be basically some vague references to a host of things- some big and some little- that have cropped up in the last week/month.

The word surprise here is used in the most general way for some of the most mundane and silly as well as some of the worst things that actually could happen in someone's life.  November proved to be a very busy month for me for a number of reasons, and I just did not get on to write much.  I had a couple posts swirling around but apparently weren't sufficiently compelling.  I found out two acquaintances of mine are the same age as me, and seriously, I am not as old as they are.....  I was pretty surprised.  But, meh.  How self centered can you get??  haha I had funny/sad/interesting encounters with students/friends, but again, this is day to day life and it wasn't enough to move me off of my typical early morning routines.

Then I had news that I can't share that sort of blew my mind and all that other stuff was so unimportant.  So I was mute because I just can't-

At the end of November I got a virus of some sort and all of my overdoing it had to come to a halt.  I tend to push myself all day and fall into a heap in the evening, but with company here I didn't have much time to do that.  Not their fault, by the way.  :) So I, by now, know that if I don't actually listen to my body and honor what it wants, no good things will come of it.  I take care of others most of the time, so I need to be part of that routine.

It is sort of too bad that it took me this long in my life to actually practice self care and pay attention to what I actually need.  But you can't change the past, so now I pay attention.  When my stomach says I am hungry, I take the time to feed it a little. Even if it is a spoonful of peanut butter, I do that.  I now know, inside of me, that I can eat what and when I want, so I do not sit down with the pb jar and yum down the entire thing.  And if I did, all I would feel is full and probably a little yucky from a stomach ache.  I do not feel feelings over my food any more.  If I need to relax, I will!  If I need to go to bed early, I do now....  which is weird, but I do.

Part of my self care in December is to enjoy my Christmas decorations, which I really do.  I LOVE having lights on all over- and I now have 2.5 strings of lights OUT on my roping outside, so I will be fixing those today as part of my self care.....  UGH.  I will always put up brand new lights outside because this replacing thing is for the birds.  At least the weather is warm.

The last little surprise I had this week involved my baby boy, JacPot.  Lol, my 1000 pound baby boy. Earlier this week, he was acting very weird when I saw him in the morning.  Sort of dizzy, sort of out of it.  And his back end wasn't moving right.  He was eating, so that is at least good.  He seemed a little better last night, though he never acted like he was in pain.  He just seemed off- I sort of think he may have had a stroke??  idk, maybe he fell and hurt himself.  He couldn't tell me but I wish he could.  I was terrorized every morning when I woke up and every  day when I was driving home from work.  It was like I lost him every day but then I got a reprieve.  You guys I thought I was going to lose my horse.  I thought I would find him lying on the ground and dead. The writing is on the wall, it is going to be a short time now I imagine.  He is an elderly gentleman.  But that doesn't make it easier.  For some reason, I have been able to talk myself down off the proverbial cliff though.

I have found that identifying the voice of panic, the voice of insecurity within me is easier to deal with if you give it a name.  Whatever that name is, by saying outloud - oh that is just my "....." story and I don't have to honor/pay attention to that right now is so helpful.  Thank you for trying to protect me, but you aren't letting me see things clearly.... that sort of thing.  giving your fears a name takes a lot of power away from them. You may be skeptical, but you should try it.  I even have been able to deal with my Jacpot feelings in a similar way and it is helpful.

So, life sends so many little surprises.  So so many good and so many not quite as good.  I spent a lot of time finding ways to comfort myself over some of these things.....  and there were a few others as well that I didn't even obliquely refer to, but I guess I have now!  In other years I would have gone down the road of stuffing the feelings back with food, or over-exercised to the point of exhaustion or done other self-destructive things....  But now I do what makes me feel cared for, feel content, feel nourished.  I have some friends and my sister who I can always ALWAYS count on and my family who are always nearby.

The trick to dealing well with these moments is to find a way to not blame yourself for all the things that are out of your control.  And almost everything in life is.  So find your comfy chair and enjoy the ride and be nice to yourself and others and take those hard things one at a time.  And yes, Debi, I am talking still to you!  And above all else- find your joy and give some to others.

I'll miss you Miss Sunshine- but just for a while

I was a happy and sad girl yesterday evening- I kayaked the Flambeau probably for the last time of the season.  It was a nice trip, I was dying to get on the river to take some autumn tree pictures, and last weekend I was a bit busy.  In retrospect, it is just fine, because I would have been HIGHLY disappointed as the trees are only now starting to really change.  The color this year is not the brilliant, fiery, warm colors of 2014.  And they are about 2 weeks behind in the change as well.  That is actually ok, that means we have an additional few weeks of actual leaves on the trees.  We like leaves here.

Next weekend I will hopefully be spending  time up in the greater Bayfield area with the Mad-English teacher and the Mad-Science teacher, so there will be no kayaking. (The other factor in all of this is that the MA will be busy elsewhere on weekends, so the kayak mode of transport is gone) The M-ET and I will hike probably twice, because we are like that..... and we enjoy being so tired we can't move on Mondays, it just is our gig.  HA!

Yesterday, as I was loading the kayak in the back of the truck, I again noticed how easy it was for me to tote that thing around.  When I began my kayak adventures in May, it was far far more difficult to do that.  I didn't realize that in May, everything was still difficult.  It was better than in, say, February and March, but I recall really struggling to get the boat into and off of the truck.  Carrying it any distance was a real problem, and it really affected my confidence.  But, I kept at it, as I am a determined little thing - there are those who will testify to that fact.  :)

It seems like life likes to throw little things at you to let you know that you are indeed not really in charge at all.  People, events, situations occur and appear that you never would have invited in at the time that they happen.  Or you may have welcomed them, but you had no idea the real impact they would make.  Some of these events- let's say broken joints- might have given you a chance to truly heal from injuries that have been subtle and insidious, always there and waking you up several times a night.  Or it might have given you a chance to rekindle friendships, allow you time and space to get to know yourself again, or really understand how important your ability to be active really is.  I think the whole - don't take life for granted - was really the lesson I learned.

So I went on many adventures with Miss Sunshine, and she was certainly instrumental in my healing and getting my groove back.  While I did the majority of my physical healing in the winter (wow was that good timing) and was pampered, and fussed over, and watched by many, many, MANY people near and far - I had to find my self confidence again.  Getting this kayak was certainly the right thing at the right time in my life.  I had so many adventures, overcame more fears than any of you can imagine* and had so much fun.  I have my friend Adam to thank for tagging along, and helping me hoist that thing around when I really couldn't do it very well, and enjoying some of the best experiences I've had, ever.  And certainly it was one of the best, if not the best so far, summers of my life.  I have never before thrown all shoulds and shouldn'ts to the wind and just DID.  I regret only a few adventures that didn't happen, but you just never know....

First solo extended kayak- do you detect fear??  ;)

I am all about the feeties in the sun

Kayaking for me has been the best therapy ever.  The motion is gentle, yet you have to dig in when the waters get rough.  The repetition is what strengthens the muscles and the tendons and the bones, but it is easy to stop and rest and "stump" for a moment to take photos and send text messages. So many private little joys.   It gave me a workout in the best possible way in all the places that I needed the recovery.  It provided me a way to become stronger without the use of dumbbells or barbells, which I was not ready for yet. When I tried to begin that too soon, I was just frustrated beyond belief by the amount of strength I had lost.  When I went again in August, after a summer of being on the water, it went much better and I continue to make quick gains.  The physical recovery is matched though, by the recovery I needed in all other areas of my psyche.

#HaveAnAdventure

Kayaking is a solitary sport, but it is really nice when shared with people.  I did a lot of that this summer, shared my enthusiasm with my friends, both on the water and in photos.  To go with another person, or people but do all the work yourself is just about perfect.  I am so glad I had my #HaveAnAdventure friend with me while we did all of those crazy things- mostly involving waves and large lakes.  We are NOT experienced and we know it, right Adam??  Lol.  Lately, though, I have had to go on the water as I began- by myself.  I needed to gain that confidence of being able to venture out solo.

kayaking friends

So cut to last night- I pulled my bright yellow buddy off the lake.  It was cold.  I know what is coming. I captured a few amazing shots and lots of mediocre ones.  I plunked my stuff on the dock and again got out of the boat without getting my feet wet.  I could stand up without any effort and didn't fall over in the boat (yes that happened.  HAHA)  The change from my first quick paddle around the dock area of Smith Lake- the day I bought the boat- came to mind and I marveled at the changes.  I feel so free on the water, so strong and confident now.  So different than when I started off.  Then it was an effort to keep the kayak going in the right direction, now I have a whole set up for my camera and finally figured out the right settings for these pictures.  Before I was afraid to go far from shore, and now the middle is my favored position- at least in the river.  I can channel Jen and paddle with my feet up on the deck for miles.  I can maneuver around like someone who knows what they are doing.  I still feel like an impostor sometimes, I never would have thought of myself as someone who does a kayak.  I was always a little afraid of the water, though I love being on boats.  I worried about being that low in the river, but am so grateful for the POV when I am taking photos.  I have gone places I have never been before, or seen those places in different ways, and to think the real impetus for this purchase was broken elbows....  amazing.

First time in the water- May 17

I actually shed a few tears, mourning the end of my summer last night, as I drove back home- regretting the end on one of the first days of October.  I think I did a good job of stretching it out as far as I could.  I will wait a few weeks before putting Miss Sunshine away, but I am not anticipating another trip.  I will substitute other adventures for my wavy outings, but I will be thinking of next year, when new and exciting things will be happening.

Some things I will have planned, some things will be spontaneous, some things I am sure will be unexpected, but I will be there to find some joy and be open to the things the universe wants me to know- I can't even imagine, but I can't wait to find out.

*Besides a slight over cautious feeling when I am on water, I also feared dropping my phone/camera/lens/paddle AND after reading the book "Bird Box" there was a whole other dimension to kayaking.....  Lol.... fortunately that didn't last too long.

Early morning kayak and the reason for having one....

I got up early this morning, even though I really wanted to go back to sleep.  I had "planned" to do this yesterday, but I didn't.  Somehow actually loading the kayak into the vehicle makes it more likely to happen.  The weather was right for some mist rising off the lake and river- the water is warm and the night air was cold- perfect for a smoky look with the clouds.... the synergy was in place.

I got up and filled a travel mug with coffee, a perfect idea if I do say so myself.  I was half bundled in a hoodie as the temperature was 45!  Yikes!  So with flip flops and a hoodie, coffee and a camera, off I went in search in of some lovely sunrise photos.

This kayak has been a thing of wonder.  I have spent so many wonderful hours in it, out by myself and out with friends as well.  It has been a vehicle in which to carry my camera and a device in which I have found my peace.  I have found that the freedom of being alone in a kayak has been an experience that I find to be unequaled.  I love the altered point of view that I have, encountering things that I never would have otherwise...

I use my summer to recharge my batteries for the next school year, and this summer I have discovered that I need to do something else.  There are lingering effects and lessons from the breaking of the elbows and also from the Lymes that I had last summer.  The effects of course are minor physical limitations that I am in the process of overcoming.  The lesson centers directly around the idea of living in the now and living how you want.

I love to travel, I needed to get on an airplane, I wanted to be able to go on a mini-vacation when I needed one, and  this summer has been one of truly making the most of my time.  I had a week here and there of decompress and reboot.  Some days where I did almost nothing other than what I had to. I did what I NEEDED, not what I should have done, virtually every day.

Having the kayak and to a bit of a lesser extent, my bike, has given me the freedom to recover slowly from my arm injury and to become stronger in many ways.  I felt brave going into the water the first couple times all by myself.  Then heading into the river channel and going against the waves and the current.  Heading out to bike 5 then 10 and even 30 miles!  Going to Lake Superior.  Overcoming mental roadblocks that needed to be overcome.   And all the while finding out new things about myself that I would not have guessed.

This was a summer full of joy, of adventure, of travel and of discovery.  It was a summer of passion- I have found some things that I have never would have guessed would make me tick and respond and make me thrilled and excited to get up in the morning.  I am hoping to use the energy I drew from my experiences and from the universe in general, to get me through this upcoming school year in a positive way.  And I hope I can pass that energy onto the people in my life.

And I have some really awesome photos as a bonus!

Trips of a lifetime..

Yesterday on Facebook, as usual, the memories from that day in years gone by popped up and low and behold- 3 years ago I was heading out to the Boundary Waters for that amazing canoe trip with my sister and niece and 3 other people who became my friends. Coincidentally, I was actually discussing that exact trip earlier in the day, so I was a little surprised to see it come up on my news feed.  That friend must have ESP, or else it is simply the right time of the year for thinking about it..... or it might merely be coincidental, like I said.  I prefer the whole ESP theory, that sounds much more fun and mysterious.....

It got me thinking about that trip, which indeed was one of my trips of a lifetime.  I did LOVE my trips to Florida and New York with the band/choir kids those three times,  I really did enjoy that whole thing.  I don't mind crowds, I loved being driven around and not worrying about transportation too much, and I enjoyed traveling with the kids, too.  Being a chaperone is a bit stressful at times, but it definitely had it's perks.  You will have to ask me in person about the perks.  HA!  But, as fun and exciting as they were, they are not in my top trips.

My college trips to Chicago and New York almost are in the top, and at one time would have been considered such.  They were brand new experiences and they were certainly exciting times where we did silly and somewhat stupid things.  I saw a tremendous amount of art, did a lot of walking and public transportation and partook in a little night life, but there wasn't a lot of depth to it, except of course for the art, which has stuck with me a long long time.

Those trips were easy.  I didn't have to think about much at all.  The meaningful adventures are the ones that have taken me so far out of my comfort zone that I couldn't see it while standing on a mountain.  The BW adventure absolutely did that.  I had trained for that canoe trip, worked darn hard at the gym to build my strength to be able to canoe like a champ.  I bought camping supplies for myself- a proclaimed motel camper.  I never have liked sleeping on the ground, and yet there I was!  I pushed through all of that. Of course one of the hardest and easiest things was to give up my phone for a week.  Though there were times I wanted to text someone to tell them something I saw or did, I really did not have a hard time not being connected.

My other trip of a lifetime, as you can imagine, is my Colorado trip.  Talk about lack of a comfort zone.  Flying.  Renting a car and driving around in a totally unfamiliar area and knew almost no one in the vicinity. Hiking mountains, experiencing the altitude, finding things to do that fit into a very wide range, that had to be close enough to drive to in an hour or so..... had to jam all the living into that 3 plus days that we could.  Experiencing those posted signs warning of what to do when you encounter rattlesnakes (eeeeeeeeeek- get the hell away from them) and mountain lions (if all else fails, fight back! yikes!).  All sorts of things that you notice and think about and pack away for future use.

These two trips were challenging in their own ways but brought the most spectacular rewards.  Of course the photography was outstanding, but transporting said photography equipment was something to deal with, as well as toting around all the gear that was needed for each.  The BW trip began my sojourn into more active and physical activities and adventures.  It is a journey I do not regret in any way.  I am tempted to say things like I wish I had sooner begun participating in the more active lifestyle that I have now, but I do not know that I could have.  I had not yet made that personal journey towards losing weight and gaining fitness, which later translated into eating and exercising in a way that enhances the life that I choose to live.  I had not yet discovered that I am indeed a brave person, and indeed an athletic person- I had yet to have others point it out to me.  I was not ready to see it.

But training at the gym and in a canoe gave me the confidence to take the trip.  Having my sister with me, who is very brave in my estimation, was also both comforting and energizing!  Not to mention being with my lovely niece, who rocked that trip like no body's business.  She was quite inspiring in her own 12  year old way.  Same thing with my Colorado week- I had someone who was just as excited as I was about this trip and is just as willing to push forward and try new things.

I booked a tour with my sister to Italy for next summer- through school, but I am decidedly not going as a chaperone.  I knew I needed to get on an airplane before I was on one for 10 plus hours.  I am so glad I did, it was so much fun, and I was grateful to have such a calm traveling partner.  Signing up for that trip was a HUGE step for me.  To go over seas, to fly, to enter a world where I won't know most of the language being spoken (though I am going to learn some basics) was just so frightening and so exhilarating!!   You know that this will be another one of the trips I will add to my lifetime favorite adventures.

Meanwhile, I continue to seek out new things or variations on a theme of things I love to do.  I find life is so much more satisfying if you step out of the safety of your own house and life occasionally.  It has made the summer go slow, and has made it so fulfilling.  Life has turned in some interesting ways lately- ha to say the least - and there really is so much good to find instead of focusing on the negative.  If you are open to it, amazing things can happen even if you are pushed in a different direction than you thought you needed to go.

Keeping your eyes open and your mind free of "shoulds and shouldn'ts" is a sure way to find the authentic people and joys in your life.

Isn't it interesting...

I had a pretty good first day true summer vacation yesterday.  I got in a nice 12 mile bike ride, I got some laundry done, a little cleaning and I did some sitting and thinking and relaxing as well.

Instead of finding someone to go out to lunch with, I stayed home and did exactly the things that I wanted to.  I also had a good session with my life-coach.  I needed this so much, I had some things to sort out and understand some of the deep sadness and anxiety that I have been feeling lately.  It was exhausting and I needed a lot of reflection time.  So I took that time, guilt free, instead of feeling like I should do such and so, or avoided it by going to do something else.  Sometimes you have to feel all the feels, including the ones that suck.

One of the writing prompts (for lack of a better phrase) that she gave me to help sort through my stuff, was "Isn't it interesting..." and you simply write endings to this phrase as it pertains to your point of anxieties or troubles.  I find that I had a bit of a backslide towards feeling bad about myself when I had these ongoing stresses.  I have been feeling good, overall, about myself in the last few months, which is like the first time freaking EVER in my life.  Which is not an exaggeration at all. It made me question everything that I was doing and felt insecure about almost every relationship that I have.  I had been finally at peace, mostly, about many things in my life  and most specifically about the way I look and how I eat.   Anyway, when I was finding myself not at all confident in anything again- it was time to talk and write about it.

This little exercise was quite instructive - when I read my responses - the flood of words that I wrote down yesterday afternoon and then again in the evening, I found a lot of things to think about.  No judging, no editing, just writing and then reading and reflecting.   It was good.  I feel more relaxed and happy this morning than I have in weeks.  I slept much better and feel like I am BACK to my usual self.  And that is good because I like my usual self!

So my first adventure begins today later.  I am off to visit the seester for a few days.  I love going to cities and this summer is looking to be sprinkled with city visits.  YAY!  For now tho, the Twin Cities it is!  I have a few things to do first, so I should make up my list and plan the day.

I am not sure if I will be blogging or not for the next few days, but you know that I will be finding my joy... and I hope you will too.

Familiar sights

I have been out and about a bit this weekend.  I've been visiting with the Mad-Middle son and family and kayaking and biking and such.  And of course a bit of cooking and entertaining.  While on my journeys, this particular time on the bike, I rode by the "ghost house" and favorite tree.  Both of these locations are on Hwy E not too far from where I live and both of them are on the down swing of their presence here in Price county.

Ghost house last November

I noticed yesterday that the ghost house is bending backwards.  For many years this place has been standing upright- just one wall.  Well, of course the look is deceiving as the one wall is held up with partial walls and all sorts of junk on the inside.  The roof and upper floor caved in, so it supported the last remaining side.  It has/had a face on that remaining side, which is pretty cool in some lighting situations.

Tilting back...

When I first moved into the place we live in now, that house was intact tho deserted.  I had lots of little kids to keep me busy in between the time when I first became aware of this place and when I began to have enough time and the courage to walk past there.  I say courage, because I have not always been a very brave person.  I never felt comfortable exploring new places until recently, like in the last 10 years.  This is an odd thing for me to admit in the middle of this random post, but it is true.  I think we were encouraged to stay nearby ie: out of the cornfields when we were little.  Since we lived in the middle of cornfields, there wasn't too far to go.  And regardless of what everyone thinks, I am not a particularly outgoing person in many regards.  It is one of those situations where you never know the journey that other people are on.  I'd never define myself as such.

Obscured

This is what has been holding up the facade

So the point of that is, I didn't have the nerve to walk very far from home because first I didn't think I could walk that far and also I was very hesitant to go where I hadn't been.  And 3 little kids.....  I didn't walk to the stone house until maybe 5 years ago, shocking to me in retrospect.  Yeah, well anyway, I only vaguely remember the intact house, but the one wall ghost house has been a part of my westward walks for the last several years.

The inside of the wall

I feel bad as it is going to be one more house that is will completely disappear and return the land to its original form.  There are no less than 5 houses that are abandoned in a 1/2 square mile in that area.  One  across the street from form said ghost house only has a tiny remnant left, the ghost house is crumbling.  There is the Stone house and the wooden house across from it just around the corner and there is an abandoned house in front of a more recently constructed house right in between all of the rest of these.  It is sort of odd.

Remnants of the people who lived here- Peony bushes - the house is on the other side of those trees.

Why there are so many houses that someone didn't care to sell or rent or just keep up with is a mystery to me.  Is it unique to the area?  I doubt it, houses fall into disrepair all over the place.  It makes me wonder and think about the possibilities, the past histories, the reasons behind it.  And it makes me a little sad.

Favorite tree

Chunks of its former glory 

Favorite tree is also in the proverbial autumn of it's life.  I was glad to see it leaf out this year, as there is quite a wound on the west side of it.  There are chunks of the trunk on the ground, and I have mentioned the fact that it looks like it is leaning more.  And crumbling down one side... 

Problems are apparent here...

This lovely tree has such character in its advanced age and overall decaying condition.  It is beautifully asymmetrical and leans precariously to the east.  This will probably cause it's ultimate demise when the next big wind storm occurs.  Or one that is coming in the nearish future.  

Yellow birch

I love the tenacious nature of these old beauties. They represent the toughness that age can bring.  The way that you can see the essence of the real self, but the exterior changes.  You are still you, but life has given you the tools to become brave, to weather storms and possibly do things that you never in this life would you think you would do.  

Still trying to produce new life as its own nears it's end

This has been a weekend of ups and downs- the closer I get to summer the more unsettled I feel.  It is hard to transition into summer, tho I CRAVE it this year like you can't believe.  But the end of the school year will signal a big change in my life and I am not looking forward to that.  On the other hand, so many amazing adventures are on my calendar or in the works and that makes me excited, anxious and nervous as well.  So it has been a weekend of being worried and feeling like I perhaps am not good enough for all these plans. People inadvertently make me feel this way, though I know it isn't their intention. But there is something that is always making me question my self worth, my ability to be the person that other people need me to be.  But I need to be true to myself first.  A constant struggle in my mind.  I think it is just the imminent changes that are coming.  

I love the grace with which these old landmarks are growing old.  I hope that they are around for a very long time yet, I enjoy their continued presence on my weekly journeys to the west.  But when they go, I will have my photos and my memory of them.  And that will give me some joy as things change as life goes on.