Time to pull it together!

Yeah, so yesterday was a bit of a bust.  I guess not really a bust, I did do something REALLY cool, which is good considering what a drama queen I was in the morning and how devastated I was last night.  I did manage to get myself outside for a walk, so that was also a positive thing!! AND we all know you can't keep the Mad-Artteacher down.

It is all about balance!  Sometimes a person has an off day, but if you look for it, you CAN find your joy, you can harness your negative energies and do a killer weight routine!  You can use your restlessness and get done some things that needed to be and then some.  But then life can come back and prove you are SO not in control!  Yin and Yang.  Black and White. Good and bad.  Balance

Well FINE!!!  I get it.  Don't get too wrapped up in yourself.  I have come to figure out a while ago that you have to experience the feelings, and then use it to forge forward in the best way that you can.  You have to experience a little suffering to truly have the joy and love that a person is always searching for. And I have come to find out I have a lot of wonderful friends who give me so much.

I could have had things way worse happen, so this is just a little blip in my radar.  I will press on to a very busy week and semester at school.  The term is winding down and new one will be winding up.  The musical will begin soon and my afterschool life will  be EVEN busier.  I will drive myself nuts trying to get in all my weightlifting and cardio, but the days will be getting longer and I will have a little more time given to me in that way.  Balance.

So as you begin this new week, I hope you can find some balance too.  Look for the positive among all the tiring and seemingly defeating things in your day. Even sad moments have something that you can use as you go on .  TAKE IT ON- those challenges of life, don't let yourself be overwhelmed.  At least not for too long!

So make sure you allow yourself to find that joy and give some away too.  Because the more you give out, the more you will get back.... especially if you aren't expecting it.

gone....

I found out tonight something I NEVER wanted to know. NEVER.  I told pretty much everyone around that I didn't want to know if they tore down the farm.  Apparently someone didn't get that memo.

I was caught by surprise and was blindsided.  I keep seeing the home I grew up in and try not to imagine the black shell that was left.  It hurts like hell.  I have a hole in my heart.

My dad died something like 8 years ago, my mom started leaving soon after.  She is still with us, but she is fading a little more every time I see her.  And now this makes it all the more focused, more intense and very painful.

I don't blame anyone really for this, as it is no ones' fault.  I had a feeling this would happen, but the suddenness with which this was presented to me brought me to my knees.  It doesn't change my daily life, it doesn't affect me directly, but it removes a safety net that was there in my mind.  Even though in reality it was only a building.  I know this, so don't tell me that it is ok.  It is NOT ok with me tonight.

So what do I say to finish this post....

 Remember the voices ......

The times we ate together....







































The happy times.....
 

The sad...

There were old parts, new parts - wedding receptions and graduations.  Deaths were mourned and births celebrated

So many children ran, laughed, cried, played

Upstairs and downstairs, the people, the stories, the love.........

If you close your eyes and listen, if you close your eyes and look, if you close your eyes and feel it, you can find your home again.

Maintenance, insecurities and issues with technology!! OH MY!

So I discovered a couple disturbing facts yesterday!

Actually one was THIS MORNING- when I discovered somehow that my computer is not reading my pictures from my phone and it is TICKING ME OFF!!!!  ARGH.  This sort of thing makes me INSANE.  I do not know how a few days ago things are working fine and then this morning nothing is being recognized by either my Aperture program or iPhoto!!!!  And to get any of the pix to the programs is a tedious process.  It is enough to make a MadArtTeacher cry!  It sucks the joy out of my life.  But I am going to do some deep breathing and try to deal with it.  But I am so distressed.  I have to think of what person to ask advice from, or what the next step should be.  ANY opinions can be texted or sent to me.....  this gives me anxiety.

AND the next thing is that I may or may not actually be getting quite enough protein on any given day, so I have to keep an eye on that.  And along those lines, I finally have prepared tofu and I found reasonable success with that.  So that makes me feel good!  It is a TOTAL bummer that the vegetarian selection in this town is so small.  It is enough to make a normally happy person SAD.  And today is apparently a day that I am going to be driven just a little crazy, I can feel it.  I could not sleep well last night, I woke up a LOT and I felt jumpy this morning.  Not rested and very restless. I think I need some creative outlet.  It is so dark this morning, I just know that I am not going to be seeing the sun either.  Sigh

This is all an indication that I am feeling unsure of this whole maintenance situation. (I think) And of course the technology glitch.  I have been doing ok with eating well, but have found a few old habits recurring and it bothers me a LOT.  I CAN NOT revert to my old ways.  CAN NOT. So anyone who is saying that I can just eat anything I want and not be so careful is full of it, so STOP saying that to me!!!!  EVERY day is a struggle and I need to concentrate on it all the time.  When people say that to me, it is like the old Debi is listening and telling the redesigned one that she is all wrong and she had it right before.  It is difficult having multiple voices in your head.....  :)   there is a song about voices in your head being your friend....
 And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there
But I don't care

I am having "one of those days" I think.

So I will just proceed with caution today, get a little activity in, and try to remain positive.  Hard some days!  REALLY hard.

I'll post about what I cooked yesterday when I am feeling more upbeat!  sigh

Gotta find some joy first

Beauty in a dreary day

Yesterday was sort of a bummer, as I felt like walking outside was really not an option. I love being out and it was simply too windy, cold and mostly slippery to go far! And that totally bummed me out as I need my photo fix on weekends.
But I found some beauty anyway! :)

Try to find some joy!

Rest night

This was me last night! I rested. I felt better this morning. I am grateful! Pix of the day. :)

And not being sick the next day is a joy

the gym

This is something I found on the loseit website- posted by one of my friends:

The gym knows me,
the gym understands me better than anyone
all the feelings, the growth, being comfortable with discomfort, the pain, it is always open to me and it always challenges me to accomplish the unthinkable with determination, consistency and persistence living in the moment and accepting the results, with patience that might come !

It definitely nails my feelings!

Quiet your heart ~ variations on a theme

The tree is more than first a seed, then a stem, then a living trunk, and then dead timber.  The tree is a slow, enduring force straining to win the sky. 

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert

Alone with myself
The trees bend to caress me
The shade hugs my heart.
~Candy Polgar

The trees are whispering to me, reminding me of my roots, and my reach... shhhhhh... can you hear them? Selflessly sharing their subtle song. 

~Jeb Dickerson

Quiet your hearts ..... quiet your minds..... breathe.....

Live your life in a way that pleases you, that is authentic, that makes you proud and gives you joy