This is a post not for the casual reader- you've been warned.
You know that even though I LOVE floating through my life like a little autumn leaf on the water- letting the current and the breeze nudge me in any given direction - sometimes when people start pegging stones into the water near me - intentional or not - I get caught in a teeny little whirlpool and end up dizzy and unsure of where I am going. (I am going to let one of my mad-english teacher friends have editing rights to make sure all my punctuation is correct!) And to complete my unlikely analogy- this is where the mad-art teacher leaf whips out her tiny little paddles and heads for shore so she can tremble on the edge until she regains her composure and lets the water circles from all the stones subsides.
I am hearing so many voices telling me what to do. Most of those voices (and these are of the real sort, not the voice in my head sort) (even though the over-riding voice trying to sort out the real ones is pretty loud) have no idea that they are doing this to me. I have had so many conflicting ideas come into my head that I hardly know what to do.
Let's start with the blogs I follow for my health and well-being.... Ok, so instead of being on the whole restrict calories and exercise until I fall over school of thought, I have made a transition to the let your body tell you what to eat and don't kill yourself exercising building. (sort of like going from Junior high to highschool) Now, these are two super different ideas, really, and I am now today wondering if I didn't have to go through the first one before I was ready for the second one. I am not sure. I know that the one doesn't play well with the other- trust me- they've been having an argument for sometime in my brain. (NO- that boy likes ME better than you. If you like him then you are not my friend- I hate you! Well I hate you, too.) (hee hee) Anyway, I have been slowly eliminating things from my emails and lists and such that are related to 5 easy ways to lose 5 lbs or how to get rid of that stomach and all that easy fix baloney that is like junk food in the reading world. I don't need that. And I have been finding all sorts of new blogs and websites that are more in line with the way of thinking I am heading towards.
More voices are being added to my already full chatroom. And I find myself agreeing with the new voices, and they are really having an effect on me. But this morning I woke up to multitudes of conflicting thoughts and I practically had a panic attack. I did a quick mental review of what I want to do today, and realized I don't have time to fit in everything. I want to go to the gym, for a walk, grocery shop, cook something, spend time with Greg here, clean my sewing room a bit, do photography during the "golden hour", and meanwhile be all things to all people and feed the horse. My brain did one of those mass rearrangement things and I was so panicked that I had to get up. I went through the feeling that I have to get all my exercise in that I want today, because you can only be your most fierce self if you spend x amount of time at the gym. I felt like I need to get a huge walk in because I did not yesterday. The first school of thought had me gaining back tons of weight because I did not get in my 10 hours of activity needed to become a thin person and the second school of thought had me feeling like I am not living a full life because I want to be thin. And that second school is also making me feel guilty if I was eating when I was not hungry and that I may have had an emotional eating moment or two or three, and the first school was scolding me for having some cake, with a fork, right out of the pan (Happy Birthday to the MA, btw!) (God he's getting old! hehehehe) How can I be a health warrior, a shining example to my friends, a fit person in great health if I never follow anyones' rules? HOW CAN I BE TRUSTED TO DO THE PERFECT THING AND BE THE PERFECT THINNER PERSON IF I CAN'T FOLLOW THE RULES???
WHEW- you guys I am absolutely overwhelmed with all this. I start feeling in control and something comes along to fuck it up. Yesterdays was when I was listening to a podcast that was pretty darn awesome. But unfortunately I didn't get to finish it because of a flurry of activity that involved the kid, the hubs, some wonderful shoppers who went to Bayfield and a pizza dinner. I stopped at a place that needed resolution, and I will get that today. But basically this person was talking about weight and body image and that you should learn to accept yourself no matter what the weight it is and then you will make food so unimportant you will have time to live your life as you should be. And that the "eat when you are hungry thing is indeed a diet and should not necessarily be what anyone should be doing. You should be eating to live, and you need to live your life not obsess about food. yeah.
Well the record scratch is this:
No matter what anyone says, I am not ready to cast aside the idea that it doesn't matter if I am thin or not. I am sure it doesn't. Intellectually I know it doesn't. It matters what kind of a character I have and the life I live. Something that is meaningful to me because ultimately we have to live our lives for us. And honey I am here to tell you, especially being a visual person, I want to look good. I sort of don't care what anyone says, I don't care if it is inline right now with our stupid society's whacked out vision of what others should look like. I am here to tell you it is a relief to feel like I am "normal" and not to have people secretly saying to each other how pretty she would be if...... or what have you. This is a dark secret that I have in my brain. I care about it. And now this voice told me I shouldn't care, now what the hell am I going to do. Part of this podcast is saying that part of the problem is that people FEAR getting heavy or regaining weight. Well, no shit, sugarbritches. It scares me to death. Obviously I need to finish that Podcast because half way through was no place to stop. The lack of resolution is killing me. Or maybe this internal discussion was a good thing to have, but where do I go from here.
I have this weird need to do things the best that I can and when I can't, I become paralyzed. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let people down. What if I can't not care about my weight, what if I can't accept myself however I am, or that I can't do a FANTASTIC teaching job on all 14 classes that I teach each week, or workout as much as I want to at the gym, or walk the 6 miles I want to, or make the Madrigal costumes that I am going to get paid for and the ones I want to make for someone for free but won't have time to. WHAT if I can't take these autumn pictures during the perfect time of the day, or that I can't find time to upgrade my comp to the latest OS so I can download my last update on aperture- because all the youtubes on how to add filters to my pix on Aperture are for the big update that I can't get..... How can I make my pictures perfect? And if I am doing all that stuff, am I living my life? Do I spend too much time on the computer? Do I text some people enough and am I texting others too much? Can I be the best vegetarian if I have to have some burritos for lunch sometimes because I didn't get a chance to make some good fresh meals on Sunday because I was trying to be perfect somewhere else. And now I understand I am making some people feel like I am being condescending when I use a lighthearted term of affection on facebook, when that was never my intention.
Make the voices just stop.
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Body image, maintaining and other confusing ideas...... sort of
I was reviewing my Feedly (blog reader thingie) today and came across a post by gokaleo that caught my eye. I did a little clicking and came to this post linked here.
I love that the title is Bullying, Body-shaming, and the Unbearable Powerlessness of Douchbaggery. I have to state first that at initial perusal, I do not allow myself to get bullied. I am old enough to be over that crap. I mean seriously, try to bully me and I will tell you to go F yourself. And I won't say F either. I fortunately have by now come to terms with the fact that I am what I am and if you don't like it, tough taffy, Tootsie. Get over yourself. And that is where my teacher self confidence REALLY is helpful! hehehe.
However, a part of the bullying that she refers to in this post is the subtle cultural images that we are all exposed to during our life. The bullying that takes place is the placement of images and ideas in the media that only the thin and young are worthy of viewing. That older or out of the narrow range of popular culture "norms"people are not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, buff enough, tough enough - just not enough. This needs to stop! It is screwing with our minds. I hear it all the time in my teenagers, friends and co-workers. I like to try and make them think about what they have said. Challenging a "norm" that shouldn't be there at all.
I occasionally get sucked into this whole thing- my body that had been overweight (in an unhealthy way) it's whole life does not conform to the thin waisted, perky butted, skinny legged ideal that is portrayed everywhere. I have none of those things - in my mind..... It makes me crazy when I realize that it has affected me so deeply. I was irritated when a dear friend of mine called me a skinny minny yesterday. I don't feel skinny right now, as I have about 10 lb around my middle that wasn't there at the beginning of the summer. So, I am thinking that just because I am so much smaller than I used to be she is just seeing that and not as I actually am.........................................
RECORD SCRATCH
OK, seriously. So many things here- I won't go into it, I think you get the drift. I have lost a lot, remain in the healthy/normal weight area, I have worked out enough that I am strong and pretty fit (always the qualifiers, I know), so here I learned a mini lesson.
I am seeing some unwanted ideas behind my dissatisfaction with myself right now. I do not look like the thin young person that might be at the gym next to me. I might not lift as heavy as the middle age person across the gym. I do not do the same workouts as my fitness friends elsewhere in the US. So therefore, I am not doing something well enough. a **ding ding** moment. We can pay all the lipservice we want to be stating that we should not compare ourselves to others, but yet, it happens all the time. Whether it is the slight panic of not being good enough or the slight sense of self satisfaction that we are doing better than someone else. CRITICAL THINKING is needed here.
So, if I have gained some weight- a couple things:
Did I get too thin for my body to hang onto that weight?
Hmmm, maybe a little.
Am I eating poorly or something?
Well, I know that I have a few downfalls that I can over indulge in that probably made my intake/output be skewed. I am going to address the excess of certain things in my diet by cutting them back, but not eliminating things that I truly enjoy.
Is my health being negatively affected?
Um no. I can still bench 150 on a sore chest and I walked 6.8 miles yesterday and felt great. Only stiff knees from my session with deadlifts and squats. I can live with that.
Maintenance is even harder if you allow yourself to be side tracked. You revert to old eating habits to cope with your feelings of inadequacy. You self soothe with food when you are stressed out by life and old issues raise their ugly heads. You sort of have to resolve these things before you can be at peace with yourself. And so I have been thinking about things that affect me and am trying to discover what other little bits of pain are hiding in my brain. As long as I don't regain that weight- the knee hurting, back wrenching, heart wrecking weight I used to have, I will be a success in my mind. I will!
Lesson learned here- watch out for these little reactions that have no real basis in reality!!! Reality is not what the media portrays. Reality lives in each of us. Thinking that we are never thin enough, or young enough, or our faces unlined enough or back buff enough is not especially helpful. Well, the buff back is never enough! :) I will strive to become the strongest, fittest, HEALTHIEST, vegetarian Badass that I can be (thank you Nia Shanks) for my health and for my own strength and quality of life-- but not because the people online or in magazines or on TV tell me to be! We need to all be healthy and strong- not thin and young. BIG DIFFERENCE THERE!!!!!
And only then will we all find our joy that is inside us!
I love that the title is Bullying, Body-shaming, and the Unbearable Powerlessness of Douchbaggery. I have to state first that at initial perusal, I do not allow myself to get bullied. I am old enough to be over that crap. I mean seriously, try to bully me and I will tell you to go F yourself. And I won't say F either. I fortunately have by now come to terms with the fact that I am what I am and if you don't like it, tough taffy, Tootsie. Get over yourself. And that is where my teacher self confidence REALLY is helpful! hehehe.
However, a part of the bullying that she refers to in this post is the subtle cultural images that we are all exposed to during our life. The bullying that takes place is the placement of images and ideas in the media that only the thin and young are worthy of viewing. That older or out of the narrow range of popular culture "norms"people are not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, buff enough, tough enough - just not enough. This needs to stop! It is screwing with our minds. I hear it all the time in my teenagers, friends and co-workers. I like to try and make them think about what they have said. Challenging a "norm" that shouldn't be there at all.
I occasionally get sucked into this whole thing- my body that had been overweight (in an unhealthy way) it's whole life does not conform to the thin waisted, perky butted, skinny legged ideal that is portrayed everywhere. I have none of those things - in my mind..... It makes me crazy when I realize that it has affected me so deeply. I was irritated when a dear friend of mine called me a skinny minny yesterday. I don't feel skinny right now, as I have about 10 lb around my middle that wasn't there at the beginning of the summer. So, I am thinking that just because I am so much smaller than I used to be she is just seeing that and not as I actually am.........................................
RECORD SCRATCH
OK, seriously. So many things here- I won't go into it, I think you get the drift. I have lost a lot, remain in the healthy/normal weight area, I have worked out enough that I am strong and pretty fit (always the qualifiers, I know), so here I learned a mini lesson.
I am seeing some unwanted ideas behind my dissatisfaction with myself right now. I do not look like the thin young person that might be at the gym next to me. I might not lift as heavy as the middle age person across the gym. I do not do the same workouts as my fitness friends elsewhere in the US. So therefore, I am not doing something well enough. a **ding ding** moment. We can pay all the lipservice we want to be stating that we should not compare ourselves to others, but yet, it happens all the time. Whether it is the slight panic of not being good enough or the slight sense of self satisfaction that we are doing better than someone else. CRITICAL THINKING is needed here.
So, if I have gained some weight- a couple things:
Did I get too thin for my body to hang onto that weight?
Hmmm, maybe a little.
Am I eating poorly or something?
Well, I know that I have a few downfalls that I can over indulge in that probably made my intake/output be skewed. I am going to address the excess of certain things in my diet by cutting them back, but not eliminating things that I truly enjoy.
Is my health being negatively affected?
Um no. I can still bench 150 on a sore chest and I walked 6.8 miles yesterday and felt great. Only stiff knees from my session with deadlifts and squats. I can live with that.
Maintenance is even harder if you allow yourself to be side tracked. You revert to old eating habits to cope with your feelings of inadequacy. You self soothe with food when you are stressed out by life and old issues raise their ugly heads. You sort of have to resolve these things before you can be at peace with yourself. And so I have been thinking about things that affect me and am trying to discover what other little bits of pain are hiding in my brain. As long as I don't regain that weight- the knee hurting, back wrenching, heart wrecking weight I used to have, I will be a success in my mind. I will!
Lesson learned here- watch out for these little reactions that have no real basis in reality!!! Reality is not what the media portrays. Reality lives in each of us. Thinking that we are never thin enough, or young enough, or our faces unlined enough or back buff enough is not especially helpful. Well, the buff back is never enough! :) I will strive to become the strongest, fittest, HEALTHIEST, vegetarian Badass that I can be (thank you Nia Shanks) for my health and for my own strength and quality of life-- but not because the people online or in magazines or on TV tell me to be! We need to all be healthy and strong- not thin and young. BIG DIFFERENCE THERE!!!!!
And only then will we all find our joy that is inside us!
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