Saturday, August 23, 2014

Don't bother....

Alright, I am writing this to dislodge a whole bunch of angry and upset feelings, so if you don't want to be brought down- move along.  I am really not sorry to say that, because it seems I either end up apologizing for my feelings or feeling bad about them.  So, you've been warned

This is not a typical joyful post, because frankly people, I am not that way all the time.  I am crabby occasionally, I am selfish at times and I allow myself to be hurt. I say allow because really, you have a choice to feel bad about things or not.  So therefore, I am unreasonable and whiny and I occasionally indulge in pouting and self-pity.  And this is starting off to be a pity post.

I will not indulge myself in a laundry list of complaints, because first of all, no one needs to know the specifics and seriously I don't need to be told how lucky I am that those are my worst problems, or some other line of bull.

Basically, I am tired today and I feel gypped out of a goodly section of my summer.  I know that is the way life goes, tick bites happen and I was smart to be aware of what was happening and I acted on it the best I could. So I resent the 2 weeks of afternoons spent on a couch.  Aside from that, I was ambushed by someone's anger, and it really was unreasonable. Though I freely admit and did admit and apologize for the mistake I made.  However, it does not change the fact that I am again being taken advantage of because I do not enjoy conflict.  So here I am the coward that I appear to be- writing my anger instead of verbalizing it.  I do see the wisdom, though, of not addressing this right at this moment.  I will wait until cooler heads prevail. I have had a few people take advantage of my good nature lately, and like adding stones to a bucket- the bucket gets full and over flows.

I know that I am having a tough time transitioning back into school mode, because God knows it isn't looking any easier this year than it was last.  Anyone who think teachers have it easy is delusional.  I do not say we have the toughest job in the world, but it is right up there.  I feel the weight of the little bits of things starting to add up already and I haven't even opened up my room yet.

I wish I was a person that could deflect the monkeys that other people try to give me, and I am working on that.  But I find myself trying to please people way too much.  I found myself feeling badly about myself because I don't have the same taste in food that another person does.  Why would it be a negative because my taste buds do not agree with someone else's??  That is seriously not the way it should be.  You are not less of a person or an inferior person because your taste buds are a certain way. Again, this person did not try to do that to me, but this is how I felt.  It was good for me to realize that, as now I see it for what it is.  A difference between people.

I think much of my mood is a combination of events- a perfect storm if you will.  So I am assuming that my mood will pass.  But it did not let up over night, and so this is one that is going to hold a while.  I hate that.  And there isn't a hell of a lot I can do about it right now- except write my irritations and reassure all of you or any of you who might read this, this is not a deal breaker, and trust me- it most likely isn't you to whom I am referring.

Maybe I will publish this and maybe I will not, but I knew that the conversation I was having with myself was not helping at all.  So I do well working things out on the proverbial paper.  Such as it is.  I guess that it is a moment of discontent with life, though for the most part I wouldn't trade mine.  I just need to reboot and decompress.  And bitch for a few moments.


  1. Well, now I know we all have those straw that broke the camel's back sort of moment. Here I have been trying to find joy in everything, you Crappy Purveyor of Constant Joy Giving.

    I, too, for my own reason's feel robbed of summer, time with my son and just gardening moments. Ah! If we could all be Masters of Our Universes just once in a while. I thought that was what being an adult was...when I was a kid.

    No one told me about all those fricking monkeys!!! (Shoo! GET OUT OF HERE!)


    Psst! Nice to know I'm not the only deep breath and think calming "Ella thoughts".

    1. Oh thanks so much for the support. You really do understand, even if your dilemma is slightly more sustained than mine- or significantly! Yeah, that whole thinking being an adult is great thing is really misrepresented somehow. I remember feeling when I was in my middle twenties that NO ONE TOLD you that people were going to die, that you were going to be in situations that were unpleasant and uncomfortable, that the people you are closest to can be the biggest PITA ever imaginable. And you can't even get a do over!

      The monkeys- oy. I repeat a lot to myself now- Not my circus, not my monkeys. It sort of is a mantra that can give a bit of distance. And man distance is what I could use right now.

      I'd guess tomorrow I will be back to my usual joy giving self, but man today is not the day. I told the MA that I didn't like such and such- I don't even remember what it was, and then as I went in the door I said, but you know I don't like anything today. and boy is that the truth.
      I get to see the little grand boy this coming weekend, so that will be a good thing! and of course the parents who are an awesome part of it all. I also found out the art convention is in Milwaukee this october, so I foresee some travel time, even if they kids can't. YAY.
      Hang in there, Rachelle and thanks again