Until the minute I wrote that title I was going to write a general little random post, because it is bothering me that after a strong start to the year (HAHA thanks to my January incident) I have been sliding in the blogging department. It was going to be basically some vague references to a host of things- some big and some little- that have cropped up in the last week/month.
The word surprise here is used in the most general way for some of the most mundane and silly as well as some of the worst things that actually could happen in someone's life. November proved to be a very busy month for me for a number of reasons, and I just did not get on to write much. I had a couple posts swirling around but apparently weren't sufficiently compelling. I found out two acquaintances of mine are the same age as me, and seriously, I am not as old as they are..... I was pretty surprised. But, meh. How self centered can you get?? haha I had funny/sad/interesting encounters with students/friends, but again, this is day to day life and it wasn't enough to move me off of my typical early morning routines.
Then I had news that I can't share that sort of blew my mind and all that other stuff was so unimportant. So I was mute because I just can't-
At the end of November I got a virus of some sort and all of my overdoing it had to come to a halt. I tend to push myself all day and fall into a heap in the evening, but with company here I didn't have much time to do that. Not their fault, by the way. :) So I, by now, know that if I don't actually listen to my body and honor what it wants, no good things will come of it. I take care of others most of the time, so I need to be part of that routine.
It is sort of too bad that it took me this long in my life to actually practice self care and pay attention to what I actually need. But you can't change the past, so now I pay attention. When my stomach says I am hungry, I take the time to feed it a little. Even if it is a spoonful of peanut butter, I do that. I now know, inside of me, that I can eat what and when I want, so I do not sit down with the pb jar and yum down the entire thing. And if I did, all I would feel is full and probably a little yucky from a stomach ache. I do not feel feelings over my food any more. If I need to relax, I will! If I need to go to bed early, I do now.... which is weird, but I do.
Part of my self care in December is to enjoy my Christmas decorations, which I really do. I LOVE having lights on all over- and I now have 2.5 strings of lights OUT on my roping outside, so I will be fixing those today as part of my self care..... UGH. I will always put up brand new lights outside because this replacing thing is for the birds. At least the weather is warm.
The last little surprise I had this week involved my baby boy, JacPot. Lol, my 1000 pound baby boy. Earlier this week, he was acting very weird when I saw him in the morning. Sort of dizzy, sort of out of it. And his back end wasn't moving right. He was eating, so that is at least good. He seemed a little better last night, though he never acted like he was in pain. He just seemed off- I sort of think he may have had a stroke?? idk, maybe he fell and hurt himself. He couldn't tell me but I wish he could. I was terrorized every morning when I woke up and every day when I was driving home from work. It was like I lost him every day but then I got a reprieve. You guys I thought I was going to lose my horse. I thought I would find him lying on the ground and dead. The writing is on the wall, it is going to be a short time now I imagine. He is an elderly gentleman. But that doesn't make it easier. For some reason, I have been able to talk myself down off the proverbial cliff though.
I have found that identifying the voice of panic, the voice of insecurity within me is easier to deal with if you give it a name. Whatever that name is, by saying outloud - oh that is just my "....." story and I don't have to honor/pay attention to that right now is so helpful. Thank you for trying to protect me, but you aren't letting me see things clearly.... that sort of thing. giving your fears a name takes a lot of power away from them. You may be skeptical, but you should try it. I even have been able to deal with my Jacpot feelings in a similar way and it is helpful.
So, life sends so many little surprises. So so many good and so many not quite as good. I spent a lot of time finding ways to comfort myself over some of these things..... and there were a few others as well that I didn't even obliquely refer to, but I guess I have now! In other years I would have gone down the road of stuffing the feelings back with food, or over-exercised to the point of exhaustion or done other self-destructive things.... But now I do what makes me feel cared for, feel content, feel nourished. I have some friends and my sister who I can always ALWAYS count on and my family who are always nearby.
The trick to dealing well with these moments is to find a way to not blame yourself for all the things that are out of your control. And almost everything in life is. So find your comfy chair and enjoy the ride and be nice to yourself and others and take those hard things one at a time. And yes, Debi, I am talking still to you! And above all else- find your joy and give some to others.