Well then...

Ok so it is almost 2 pm and I still haven't eaten lunch, although I am literally starving.  But no, I am here writing a blogpost because I feel the need to sort through things....  who even am I any more??

Newest abandoned find- must return in spring

So since we (I) last spoke- seriously I am getting light headed, I have to grab my foods- I have done a lot of the things. Oh yeah, that is much better- a small stack of pringles does not cut it for lunch...   First off today I - after weeks of quite the rigamarole and a lot of angst and indecision and such- took some framed photos up to Fanatical Fish in Butternut.  This has been in the works for over 2 years I believe, but it took me retiring before I could manage to make it happen.  And I understand why- trying to decide what to print, where to get it framed, which cards I wanted to produce for selling (a whole additional story), finding all the bits and pieces and ordering and managing and of course I am taking more photos and going on adventures.... and I have turned into a squirrel apparently and am distracted by shiny things and moving objects.  My brain exhausts me.  I spend a lot of time chasing my tail me thinks.

I had school down to a science.  I was semi organized, had a badillion lessons in my head for ages 4-18, could manage 30 children all doing something different, with art supplies and interruptions.  But trying to do things in a way that is appropriate for a little side-hustle business is WAY beyond my ability.  Snap decisions- I got that covered.  Thought out plans and income management..... gurl (or boy) please....  I have more photos to take. But fortunately I talk to anyone who will listen to me about it and I have good advisors in my life.  One of them has called me a squirrel more than once lately but I'm good with that.  It makes me smile.

Ice at Smith Lake

So, to clarify this all.  A couple summers ago I approached Kelly up at FF about putting some photos in her gallery.  She was really excited for that, but then I had school come along and my underlying but still unrecognized issue of not making decisions quickly cropped up.  New things like that paralyze me.  But since I sort of rashly decided to retire (I am totally capable of fast decisions and pride myself in knowing what I want - usually) I had a little more space in my mind and I talked to her again and began the process.  That is when trouble started: what photos, which size, how many, which company, should they be metal prints, winter or summer, landscape or abandoned....  goodness. (Side note: most of them are abandoned sorts of photos)  Plus Kelly has room to sell cards- and a friend said she would love some winter cards that could be used for Christmas or not!  What pictures, what company, compare prices, how many.....  then get little clear bags, and price stickers... Oh and hey, business cards, a new email for the business (photosbydebikayo@gmail.com) and then I would sit in a corner and play Candy Crush until I came down off my anxious little branch of the tree. 

Houghton Falls

MEANWHILE, I went on 4 vacations this past summer/fall and I still have photos to edit from them- especially the ones from the museums, and I discovered a zillion that I didn't upload of other pix that I need for calendars also, and nothing that has to do with photo editing is fast.  In addition, I took a lot of photos for the newspaper, which definitely cluttered my mind (man I love that though) and that was a heap of editing sprinkled in there as well.  The newspaper editor is a former student (HI SETH!) and he likes to send me on fun assignments. 

Lake Superior Ice in Ashland

So I have had photos printed for quite a while now, ranging from a couple years to a couple months ago, and I chose some to get framed.  There is not a lot of choice up here for that, and I needed to NOT be traveling a long way for this.  So I found the Superior Framing Gallery in Ashland and I have to say how pleased I am with their fast - holy smokes fast- service and really great quality for a reasonable amount of money- framing is expensive you guys, but I certainly don't want to do it myself.  Been there  and done that and I HATE it.   I finally made my way up to Ashland to pick them up (life and the weather got in the way) and I synced schedules with Kelly and got them to the gallery.

After delivering my prints this morning, I decided that having an abandoned building calendar to sell at the Butternut Community Christmas thing (veering off onto another tangent) along with my cards would be a great idea.  So I began making that  when I got home and that is NEVER fast, plus I need to have all 3 of my calendars done by Sunday because there is a 50% off sale and that needs to happen.  SO I stopped everything after the first calendar was ordered and got myself something to eat and wrote this craziness out. 

Lake Superior at the end of the Houghton Falls trail.

I feel slightly less dazed.

Then I think about how probably I should get a website and update the facebook business page I have with photos and then I am thinking maybe I should go play a computer game even though I have a ton of other things I need to do. 

Nothing happens fast in the photography world apparently, especially when you live no where near anything that can assist you in having a finished product.  Oh well, I finally had the framing issue  come together, I have the calendar ordered and I plan to work on the other calendars tomorrow.    Pop open that bottle of white that is in my fridge.  Edit tonight.  Oh wait, I better reverse that order.  Put the cards into their little sleeves and such. 

If you want a calendar, and some people have wanted them before- message or email me.  I have an abandoned building one and I will put together an artsy one if people are interested.  Because I enjoy torturing myself apparently.  If you want to go to Butternut for their little Christmas thing- that is Saturday, 12/7 from 10 - 2.  I will be at Fanatical Fish with my little card table of cards.  Isn't that a nice symmetry?

Otherwise I want you to get out there and find the joy in your life!  Because I feel like mine is getting more joyful again, now that the horror that was the beginning of this year has faded a little.  And I am planning already a few joyful events in 2020!  YAY!  #bringit

Mind Clutterz: old thingz and new thingz

I have been feeling the pull of the blog lately.  Until the last week or so, I have had so much noise in my mind that I haven't been able to clearly focus on almost anything.  Even things I need to get done, don't.  

Retirement - as I indicated earlier- isn't as smooth sailing as one would come to believe.  There is a lot of your self confidence and self worth tied up in your profession, especially one that you have to be fully committed to- heart and mind- like teaching.  I have missed the people and I have missed the kids.  I subbed once a week ago and it was fun, but I determined that the advanced art students should not have me in the building yet. So I am waiting a few more weeks.  

A new gig- so oddly and fortunately- I have a former student (who I adore by the way, he was a memorable and favorite of mine) is the editor at the newspaper here in our county.  He asked me, when he did that amazing article about me for Teacher Appreciation Week, if I would be willing to do some photo assignments.  And I was and I am and I did!  I have done quite a few things now, things I have never done  much before, like shooting football games, lining people up for formal group pictures and taking pictures specifically for the paper with our demographic in mind.  It is interesting and super fun.  I have always loved learning new things, and this is cool. And new photography gear #ftw!!

Speaking of learning new things- for reasons far beyond actual comprehension I am using Duolingo to learn Italian and relearn German.  I had done some language learning a few years ago on Rosetta, but now I am going in a little more deeply.  For whatever reason if I am feeling anxious, I can sit down and plod through Italian for a while and then make myself feel good about my intelligence by zipping through a few German lessons.  

An aside here:  I can testify that if you want to learn a language WELL, start young.  My class in Clinton Schools (WI) was the last class to have German from 4th grade on through High school.   We had a German teacher who came in I think once a week or so when we were younger and then you didn't have to take it after 6th grade.  I think. Hard to remember.  In Jr. High and HS it was a traditional class.  I kept taking it through HS, and was not smart enough to take it in college because I was sick of it by that time.... so I tried taking French which was an epic fail- I passed the class but omg, what a nightmare that was.  All those people yakking on in French, so you knew they had it in high school.  I did not.  Anyway, as I go through the lessons, the German that is, I am fuzzy on vocab, but for whatever reason much of the sentence structure is right there.  I don't think about it, I just know it.  Because I had extensive education in it when I was young....  Italian is hard, you guys.  lol  But I am working through it.  German- which is not a particularly simple language to learn- is easy for me because I had it in my formative years.  It is crazy for schools to be cutting languages... but I digress.

Anyway, I have been taking photos and cleaning up my gardens, and generally enjoying the fall.  This little post satisfied my need to write for the moment and so I guess I will finish up a few things before I go to the football game here in a little while.  Trying out the new lens and all!  It's a beast of a lens but it will be perfect for the challenging lighting conditions.  Good times!  A new way to find my joy.  

Bis später, findest du deine Freude!

Arrivederci 

In waiting

Thank you to the people who reached out to me, even though I told you not to.  Lol.  I am grateful people don't listen. HA

This is another "private" post, unadvertised.  I haven't done my brother's post yet, I only yesterday started to truly feel like myself.  I am highly anxious today, but I suppose that is to be expected.  Tomorrow is the service and frankly, I am tired of crying and being sad and upset.  I know this is normal, but I don't want to be normal, as usual.  But that makes no difference, what I want.  I am what I am and I feel what I do.

I have had a few people tell me that, and I really do listen.  Even if I seem like I don't.  I do pay attention.  And I know a couple of them like to be right all the time, so there it is again.  You were right, I will be fine, but it is ok to be sad and cry.

I think I have cried more in the last 6 months than the last 6 years.  I know that is true.  Again, when life throws you some of the biggest highs and lows of your time on this earth, all in the same week in some cases, you are going to have some emotional stuff coming up. 

So, I am making plans- creative plans.  For a workshop or two, and more travel, and some concrete and mosaic work....  and of course the photography.  And next summer- more travel....

I really wish I didn't feel so damn anxious today, I just want to go and do it and hold my grandchildren and be with family. And then start to see where this all takes me....  and find my joy again.

NOT good

This is a fast, down and dirty post.  I am not sharing to Facebook, I will write a better post later.  I am NOT doing well today.  I always am doing well, my optimism is the core of my being....  but the events of late have knocked me fucking over.

I have had such a mix of good and bad, of highs and lows and now insecurity and fear and grief and sorrow...  I am haunted by not being good enough, by thinking I have done everything wrong, though back then I did the best I knew how and I can't regret my decisions of years gone by.  But the thoughts are making me second guess everything I have thought, I'm full of the fear I am not good enough and always always too much.

I am not asking for phone calls, or messages or sympathy.  I just think you should put out your ugly side once in a while.  Then maybe the joy will follow some time.  Hopefully soon.

more thoughts...

One would think that one would be ecstatic to be retiring, but I have come to find out that it isn't as easy as it appears. 

There are several weird mind things that are going on here- in reality, you are really an expert at your job when you are ready to retire.  I mean, I feel so successful at teaching most things, but the painting series I do with the students is totally rocking effective....  I am referring to the hs kids here of course- but the same goes with the littles- you know what you want them to be doing and you know how to get them there- it is just picking out the projects that will be most effective for that group of kids.

Next of all- I don't know about all of you all, but I am pretty sure I am not old enough to retire.  My birthday begs to differ, but I seriously feel like I have only just started a few years ago.  It sort of feels like cheating.  I have never felt (and some say acted) my age, and I think hanging out with teenagers every day gives you an altered outlook on life.  These are some fine people that I am teaching, don't for a moment believe the negative people in the world who do the "the kids these days" thing.  Guess what - the old people said that about you too- the world does not stay stagnant and it is a different world from when we were growing up- you have no idea what these kids do.  And they are fine humans, who happen to be trapped in some serious hormone overload at the moment.

I made the decision REALLY fast and I haven't had a lot of time to acclimate myself to it.  I have embraced it but I haven't fully had it integrate in me.  I am looking forward to it, yet it has defined such a big part of my life and it is so weird to think I won't be doing it anymore.  It is a relief and a seriously terrifying idea this whole being done with your career.  I'll adapt and I will stay busy, but I am looking at the time in front of me this fall and wondering how I will react.  Fortunately the summer is a buffer and I will just let the fall happen.

I am a person who has to process by talking out loud, and I am more than a little worried I am driving my closest friends crazy.  I want to leave them alone, but I feel totally afloat and a little afraid....  good thing they are so patient with me.  I am very lucky.

I- for better or worse- have a countdown going, something I refused to do before this year.  I just didn't want to know how many days of school were left, I didn't want to think about it usually.  Time goes too slowly if you count things down, I thought, and that is true to a degree.  But it also makes it possible to really embrace the day, live in the moment and try not to wish your life away.  I tell my high schoolers to not hurry their time in school, that some day they will realize how good their time here actually was (for most of them) and I am trying hard to take that advice.... and find all the joy  that I can while I am at it.... but somehow I can't help saying- Is it June yet?

Another life event is on deck

I know....  it HAS been a long time.  It has been an interesting early 2019 shall we say.  One life event leads to another and sometimes you are some place you weren't expecting....

The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last.

C. S. Lewis

I have sort of let it be known lately that I am retiring at the end of the school year.  If  you would have told me at the beginning of the year that I was going to be done in May of 2019 with the career I waited so long to get and love so fiercely, I would have looked at you askance and tilted my head and rolled my eyes at you....  I can't yet would have been my answer.  But, a sad twist of fate came up- my mom's death and subsequent settling of the estate- gifted me with something I hadn't expected.  Retirement.  Basically I will have enough to pay for my insurance for a few years and with the catalyst of some situations in the teaching profession that I may or may not talk about at some point in the future has caused me to make the decision.

That particular moment of change was the culmination of many factors, not the least being that two of my very best friends and colleagues were going to be retiring- the Mad-science teacher, Laurie and my buddy, the band teacher, Pat.  I had a hard time imagining my life next year without them- especially mornings with coffee without Laurie.  But I was working on that visualization, and was settling in to it.  Then the school calendar came out and teachers have to report in 2 plus weeks before school begins.... which is ridiculous.  And my former idea of 3 years out before retirement became one year.  Then a situation arose and I decided on the spur of the moment I was done. It was a traumatic event in many ways (for me only) ...  then I had a couple of conversations at school- I was crying (this is how I handle stress- what can I say?) and they were talking me down, and then I had lunch with the MA and Laurie, and they told me exactly why I could and should indeed be done.  I believe I was told that someone was glad they wouldn't have to listen to me complain about meetings- staff and otherwise- any more... hmpf.  But he has a very valid point.  There was no reason of any sort to keep me working in an increasingly difficult situation.

Fortunately those are two very calming people in my life who coached me through the initial decision- even though I had really already made it.  But I needed their words and validation and steadying influence that day.  Then another person very close to me continued (and still does- YOU'RE DONE) to offer words of calm reflection, advice and support.... I have a few of those people in my life and I am SO grateful.  And then I have my dear Mad-Missouri friend who tells me how much I am going to love it.

The next few days were a rollercoaster of giddy relief and teary regret.  I have never ever doubted I made the correct decision, I just wish I didn't feel like I was deserting my kids.  Especially the HS kids.  It took a full month of being on the edge of breakdown to talk about it without crying.  I sometimes still do- I love my job.  But it isn't the job I took when I began this career.

This winter was hard- between my mom and being sick with influenza for a LONG time, and a few other personal things and the freaking weather that kept me cooped up- it was very difficult. And of course tax season REALLY sucked this year, people.  The retirement decision did not make me a more stable individual either.  Lol.  But I am feeling better all the time, and I, once again, am redefining my life and heading in directions that I NEVER thought I would be going in.

There is a lot more that can be said, and I will in subsequent blog posts....  I have many related topics.  And I have a couple celebratory vacations coming up too- and you will have to stay tuned to what happens next.  I have a few things up my sleeve.....  Including my very own retirement party!   Like I said- topics to be covered soon.

I have been posting a bunch of oddities on Facebook and Instagram, definitely helping me come to terms with this- the whole Wroger and Wrachel craziness, but the ceiling tiles and the senior pictures and the Eagles are giving me so much joy.  The memories come flooding back and I have been getting messages from so many students of the past.  I love talking and reconnecting with them- I hope to see them soon- Might have to arrange a Flambeau-rama meet-up time or something?

Anyway- I have also been taking photos (like that is a surprise)- so the above photo is for attention only. Well, maybe not- that picture and the quote are very, very apropos.  Which is of course why I chose it.

So much joy has come out of some serious heartache- and as I take on this next adventure- you can be sure I will be taking pictures and making art, probably writing as well...  and who knows what else.  Change is challenging, but the best things in life are hard won, waited for and anticipated and sometimes they come out of the blue- you HAVE to recognize them when they appear so you can embrace them and get the most joy possible.