In waiting

Thank you to the people who reached out to me, even though I told you not to.  Lol.  I am grateful people don't listen. HA

This is another "private" post, unadvertised.  I haven't done my brother's post yet, I only yesterday started to truly feel like myself.  I am highly anxious today, but I suppose that is to be expected.  Tomorrow is the service and frankly, I am tired of crying and being sad and upset.  I know this is normal, but I don't want to be normal, as usual.  But that makes no difference, what I want.  I am what I am and I feel what I do.

I have had a few people tell me that, and I really do listen.  Even if I seem like I don't.  I do pay attention.  And I know a couple of them like to be right all the time, so there it is again.  You were right, I will be fine, but it is ok to be sad and cry.

I think I have cried more in the last 6 months than the last 6 years.  I know that is true.  Again, when life throws you some of the biggest highs and lows of your time on this earth, all in the same week in some cases, you are going to have some emotional stuff coming up. 

So, I am making plans- creative plans.  For a workshop or two, and more travel, and some concrete and mosaic work....  and of course the photography.  And next summer- more travel....

I really wish I didn't feel so damn anxious today, I just want to go and do it and hold my grandchildren and be with family. And then start to see where this all takes me....  and find my joy again.

NOT good

This is a fast, down and dirty post.  I am not sharing to Facebook, I will write a better post later.  I am NOT doing well today.  I always am doing well, my optimism is the core of my being....  but the events of late have knocked me fucking over.

I have had such a mix of good and bad, of highs and lows and now insecurity and fear and grief and sorrow...  I am haunted by not being good enough, by thinking I have done everything wrong, though back then I did the best I knew how and I can't regret my decisions of years gone by.  But the thoughts are making me second guess everything I have thought, I'm full of the fear I am not good enough and always always too much.

I am not asking for phone calls, or messages or sympathy.  I just think you should put out your ugly side once in a while.  Then maybe the joy will follow some time.  Hopefully soon.