superhero is not on my resume - confessions of an easy keeper

Alright, I have to warn you about this post~

If you don't want to read about my angst, now is the time to move to another blog.  If you are tired of my struggles with maintenance and weight loss, you don't want to read on.  If I get just too much for you, I am so sorry.  I need to write this for myself.

I feel the need to explain this to myself first and foremost.  I need to think of why I am feeling like I do. I fight off the need to apologize to others for my internal turmoil and my need to tell people about how I feel and am trying to figure out why - for the life of me I need to know WHY- I am not finding this second leg of the journey here easy.  NOT AT ALL EASY.  So before you proceed, know that Debi is talking to old Debi and trying to see what the hell is up.

So, folks I feel a bit like a fraud.  I have wonderful people telling me how great I look, how wonderful I am doing, how I am KILLING this maintenance thing. I am here to tell you- this is not killing it.  I am sort of hiding the fact that I have regained 2 - 3 pounds- which does not sound like a big deal, but it sort of is to me.  It makes me scared, it makes me panic and for some reason it is making me want to eat things.  sweet things.  And the more I want to eat them, the more people manage to find them and offer them, or I just plain old ferret them out. I am not actually eating cookies right now, but somehow I manage to find replacement sweets- chocolate of some sort usually.  Let's all just make a deal not to offer each other our personal cryptonite. I just can't do this.  I.  Just.  Can't.

What is changed is the fact that I don't have to be on my guard all the time- in theory.  But I think that is a fallacy.  I think I will always have to be on my guard.  Some say that you just have to know that you can have more food tomorrow, or you have to treat yourself once in a while and not stress over every day, just what the scale looks like at the end of the week, and all these fantastic wise things. Well, I guess the thing to remember is that we have to do what is right for us. What is right for you, might be right for me, but not always.

An interesting discussion developed today at the gym.  Two people I know were reflecting on their weightloss. One of them lost a LOT of weight a year or so ago and has regained a bit, another is almost to the end of their journey. I am right in the middle of the two of them.  I remember how hard it was and how hungry I was to finish up that last 3 pounds.  And now how tricky it is to find a balance of stopping the losing and not regaining.  I fear having any weight come back on me.  Where is that balance, where is the place where my mind can relax a little?  One thing we established for sure is that if you quite recording your food, you are doomed to regain.  It is too easy to forget about this and that and then suddenly you have your scale creeping in an unwanted direction.

So what is my issue??  I obviously gotten to the gym and so exercise is not the problem, so that leaves that old demon the food.  I know that (and the three of us also came to this conclusion immediately) that you can't just maintain your losses with diet only, or exercise only. It is the combination of the two. So what is up??  Well, I think that there is the creep of mindless snacking involved.  My meals continue to be excellent if I do say so myself, I have myself well trained in that regard, but it is the relaxing of the vigilance against eating other stuff that is the problem. The little bit of this and the little bit of that and yes indeed, I do not log every thing I put in my mouth.  And I must start doing this.  Because if I have to write it down, then I better be prepared for the consequences.  Whose?  MINE.  Because in the end, what ever stupid mind game I am playing with myself the reality is that my pants are going to fit tighter and I have this little tummy that likes to regain it's old self immediately.  I can see the extra 2 - 3 pounds immediately.

I also feel like a bit of a fraud here because of my self appointed role as a supportive friend seems a bit suspect when I can't even manage to keep off 3 pounds in the 6 weeks since I hit my goal.  How can I possibly be helpful if I can't even follow my own advice?  I hope my friends understand.  I hate to think I am disappointing anyone, because I certainly did a good job here of disappointing myself.  And yes, I do expect a lot from myself- a hell of a lot more than I am showing myself capable of here and I am pretty damn distressed about it. SERIOUSLY distressed as a matter of fact. :*(  I have discovered that superhero is not in my job description, apparently.

So people, if there indeed any of you left with me here, you might not think that 3 pounds is a very significant gain, but it is to me.  BIG PROBLEM.  This has to be stopped in its' tracks.  You see, I wanted to be one of those people who can write dreamily about being in maintenance and say..... oh my, I've been eating all of my calories and yet I am losing more weight and I really need to increase my food, because I am in danger of wasting away to nothing......  Believe it or not, there are people who DO have that issue.  And I am not making fun of them, but man am I envious. (I actually secretly want to get down into the 130's.  NO comments, please!)  I am what one would call in the horse world, an easy keeper.  Doesn't take much food to keep them fed- even in the winter.  Yes, indeed, an easy keeper. I'm guessing that there might be those around me who don't imagine me as being easy to live with in any regard. I am maybe slightly dramatic, and a bit neurotic, and possibly over react to every damn thing in my life, but hey, I do find a lot of JOY!  :)

I am trying to still imagine what the right amount of food is for myself.  I need to stop with the sugar already.  I need to turn off the sugar goggles- the glasses that are always searching for some form of chocolate- I know it is out there.... somewhere!

Yeah, sort of seems like things are pretty much the same as when I started this up a little over 2 years ago, you'd think I would have learned by now.  I have learned a lot, but I obviously, in my mind, need to relearn it in a different situation.  Before things get totally out of control.

Thank you to the people who have been putting up with me and my angst.  This hasn't been an easy month of trying to maintain.  Now to post the damage and go back to the drawing board....  and throw away my sugar goggles, and find a little joy in a Friday.