Friday, August 30, 2013

Constants and Variables

Or how I felt like a failure this morning because the Internet went down last night

***this was written EARLY today and I have since recovered nicely.  But it is part of how I roll, and I thought it is interesting to address regardless.

Now this is the stupidest thing. But I realized on my walk this morning that I felt like a failure and the day hadn't even begun.

Of course there is a reason for this, and I eventually figured it out.

My life, I decided – like everyone else's, is full of constants and variables. In fact, I am a variable in itself. I truly some days do NOT know why I feel a particular way. I just feel. It explains a lot doesn't it! :) Constants make me feel like my life has a tiny bit of structure and I can bounce around in the walls of that structure.

So this morning I wake up and the Internet is not up. It went down last night during a thunderstorm....  It is not my freaking router*, so don't worry.  (I will be chatting with my Centurylink representative soon).  And when I don't have my feedly, Facebook, Loseit and other things to amuse me for a half hour upon rising I feel totally out of sorts.
*It was a simple fix, and I refuse to go there...

So it appears the Internet is a constant.

Constants in my life (aside from the Internet) include my incredible support system who give me more joy than I can describe. If you are reading this, you know who you are! :) And I have a few..... but god forbid - they have occasionally a life of their own, and so if they are not lurking about, I know that I will be talking to them later. And the road goes both ways and it is good!
Exercise is also a constant- that is about all I need to say about that! It is a daily or almost daily occurrence. If I am not doing it, I am planning for it or wishing for it.
Food and sleep is the same- If I am not planning it I am wishing for it. LOL
Joy- yeah.
Visual matters- I am always seeing art things, so that is absolutely a constant to me. I don't just see my coffee cup, I think about the way the light falls on it and where the shadows are and how the colors are altered- constant.  I get so distracted at times. Photos, drawings, paintings, etc.....  it can be a problem.

So when some of my constants are disrupted, it sort of throws me for a loop.  And THIS boys and girls is when the variable issue kicks in.  And I guess by variables, I mean how things can get F-ed up so fast it boggles the mind.  Lol

Now how does this make me a FAILURE when the internet is down? Well that is a good question. As I started my walk to day, I was somewhat delayed by an unexpected chat with a friend from the past on FB messenger (thank heaven for 4G!) My PLAN for the day was to get in a minimum of an hour of walking (more like an hour and a half) and then a trip to a farmers market, lunch with the hubs and my Mad-English teacher friend Adam, gym, school, make the beds up for the kids and then sit up and wait for them. So the hour walk was shortened to 45 minutes and by then I am projecting myself forward to the gym and the fact that I have not been in there for 2 days and that threw off my work out plan and they aren't open on Sunday or Monday. And I am behind behind behind on weightlifting. As in I have legs, chest and back to do.  I"M BEHIND!!!   BOO. Which means I want to spend a ton of time at the gym and I REALLY need to go to school. A LOT. Which means of course that I can't spend as much time at the gym as I'd like. Which makes me feel really behind. And speaking of behind- school. I remember the days when I used to by this point have all my lessons arranged for the entire semester. THAT is when I had just elementary school. Oh those were the days. Or when I used to teach just HS and a few elem classes and I would have until Christmas planned..... Now that I have everyone in Park Falls I have the first 2 days of HS planned and the first 2 weeks of elementary planned.... so yeah, speaking of behind. And failure. And not doing the job I used to do, of course I have like a job and a half (like we all do at that school) or maybe even a job and ¾. And then I fast forward to the school year where we again have our Wednesdays after school tied up for 45 min this year, and when am I going to get in ALL my lifting and when am I going to continue writing the whole new plan I have for my High school and maybe I need to occasionally be home to wash clothes and say hello to the MA who allegedly lives in my house. And how about my walking, and ballet and dance class. This all washes over me like the ocean and I feel like a failure at 6:30 am, because my internet is down and I didn't have my daily dose of Nia Shanks telling me to be the best I can be- a beautiful Bad Ass. And sometimes it is that simple and that complicated.  Ugh. I need to text my fitness buddy right now!!!

So now I am going to go ahead and get ready to go to Minocqua and post this later when my stupid Internet is back up.   

Cut to evening- relaxing on the couch, arms absolutely so dead from a marathon weightlifting frenzy, with beds made, swiss chard blanched, apples eaten, horse fed, farmers market visited and lunch eaten.  OH and dinner grilled!  Now why was I so worked up this morning???  You felt like a failure before you even got going on your day?  What kind of a maniac are you anyway?  I'm pretty sure you need some therapy....  eh, never mind.  You can figure this out!  BREATHE woman BREATHE!!!

And the JOY will follow you!

1 comment:

  1. Interesting. I saw this pic yesterday of you looking so on top and Master of Your Universe-ish. Maybe you have no Joy without a bit of Angst?