Ok, kids, if you don't want to delve into the inner workings of my mind, I suggest you find another blog to read today. This is something that will be totally uninteresting to some (I would say that it would be to almost everyone, but what do I know?) and yet I have been told that these types of posts are very inspiring/thought-provoking/helpful..... ok. You've been warned.
As many of you know, I hit my goal weight of a random (this is right- random) sort back in December. It was an even number of some sort, I am not sure what one. If it was 75 pounds from my highest weight or some such thing, so really there was no good reason for it. OH, it may have been the number that would have put me into "normal" on the BMI charts, which I have come to discover are a blatant lie and should be disregarded. If you have any sort of muscle tone, they say you are in the over weight category, when clearly you are not. And if you are messing with the mind of a person desperately trying to be normal after lifetime of being heavy, well, those sorts of number just rule your world. And a thinnish person is not "overweight" at all but thinks they still are, but try telling them that.
So since then I have been in maintenance and if anyone ever tells you this is the easy part, don't believe them. BUT people for GOD SAKES don't tell anyone they will just gain it back or regale them with tales of how your second cousin once removed lost 124.2 pounds and then gained it back 2 years later... not helpful and very destructive. Quit that- really.
One would think that over the summer one would drop weight so easily that people would accuse you of not eating- but that is not the life that I lived this summer. The life I lived, while was full of activity and weight training also included good food, Margaritas in Bayfield and unabashed treating of myself and plenty of mindless eating and that is where I got myself into trouble. Well sort of. Ah yes it was a wonderful summer.....
School begins and I can't help but notice that I have snugger pants than I had 6 months ago, which is not what I had wanted to happen obviously. sigh. I haven't been on the scale for a long time, as I have been trying so hard to adopt a different way of thinking. (And I seriously didn't want to know) I have been reading the blog of NiaShanks who believes, as I have come to believe, that you should really just stop following the psycho rules that have emerged around the diet and exercise industry. Basically, eat what you like, as long as it is clean and healthy and get in the gym, workout and get out. (AND I want to be a beautiful badass!! :) ) No need to spend your whole life in the gym or on the elliptical or treadmill or even running/walking endlessly. There is a whole bunch of aspects to this and I like it. I like the idea of not having to fret and stress over food- not making food a good or bad thing, but something you eat! I know this is obvious, but seriously, how many of you have that simple of a relationship with food?
I know there are some- the "naturally thin" people who for whatever reason can stop eating when they are full and eat when they are hungry. Many of us know that such things are indeed logical, but are not what happens. Throw in that old friend stress or emotional eating and you have a monkey wrench in the works. Cut to another random internet stroll and I found another website where the person actually discusses emotional eating! Basically, this one says that the reason one has emotional eating issues is that you have unaddressed emotional issues. Hmmmm, well duh that makes sense!! And so she goes on to say that if you do have emotional eating, you need to address those issues. Well honey, that is not all that easy either. So, that was rolling around with this other stuff and I had a bit of an aha moment.
In the category of emotional issues that aren't addressed, I have a hard time with that. What am I stressed about when i see the jar of peanut butter in the cupboard and I WANT IT NOW?? WHO the hell knows..... I do know one reason I get stressed is not having things at school be as prepared as I would like. So the problem there is that I need to get to the gym- so the time crunch kills me. I KNOW how ironic this all is when you reflect on my previous statements regarding the website, but I have to spend time on me. I also have some real self esteem things that have been present my entire life- but how long can an adult go on blaming their problems (this is not an exhaustive list- just an example) on not feeling like you were loved equally by a parent?? Look at the facts, the parent shows their love to different children in different ways and sometimes I imagine that one child or another might have a personality that works better with yours. Idk, I have always enjoyed my children for what they are, but who knows if that is how they saw it. Kids are weird and perceive things in a weird way, and if you think back to any incidents in your own childhood that were suddenly clear to you because you looked at them as an adult, you know what I mean. We all have our things, and there are more that I will not be going into here, and most of them I just can't deal with myself right now. One thing at a time I guess. Oh and there is that whole-- I have been heavy my whole life and I still have a hard time believing I will stay looking like this-- thing. There is a lot of that in the soup, that's for sure.
Which leads me to the benchpress contest that I referenced at the beginning of this tale. I had seen a sign up for the Triple B bench press contest that was held today a while ago, but had sort of forgotten about it, since I had it in my mind that when I hit benching 170 I would be "ready" to join that team. So it was something I didn't think too much about. Also, seriously, I never expect to compete in anything so, you know.... Even though that carrot is out there and I really do want to do that. So about a week ago, a few people started asking me if I was doing it. Well to me that was a bit late, I wasn't trained for it, I wasn't psyched for it and I didn't think that I was really good enough. AND-- **newsflash-this just in**-- PEOPLE!! I DIDN'T WANT TO WEIGH MYSELF!!!!!! If you refer up to the above paragraphs, you will notice that I was in de-nial- or at least in notwanttoknow-nial.
So yeah, moment of self awareness happens (I honestly bounce along through life not know what the hell I am doing or why often. SO OFTEN) and I decide that inspite of the fact that I am fully dressed and fed and coffeed I got on the scale and I also decided that I wasn't going to let it ruin my f-ing day. I said that to myself too. I curse a lot to myself. Sorta helps. Try not to let it slip out too much! :)
Well it didn't ruin my day and it wasn't as bad as I thought. So that is good but it isn't good. It was pointed out to me by a very awesome person that this 11 pounds (omg) isn't that bad and it can be gone in about 11 weeks. (are you sure??) That was a good way to look at it really. AND I will not be gaining any more weight again. So, my next step was to buck up and post a gain on loseit and of course in its infinite wisdom it dropped me down to weight loss mode, which I am not going to do again. I can't take the stress and the hunger and the battle. I understand that the battle is with myself everyday- and a battle it is. BUT I am not going to have this website sidetrack me from my new attitude. So I promptly deleted all those notifications and all and changed my goal to my present weight and I will proceed from here. I will use it to keep track of my food and exercise, but I am not going to worry about what the bar graph is saying. I want to change my focus. I want to not have to think about my food and exericse every single second of the day. There are other things to think about and do. Like go for a walk or a bike ride or do some art or blog something...... HEAVEN knows that I have a lot of plans.
The trick here is to deal with this mind change I am trying to have. You do not judge yourself worth by a number on a scale (we should be repeating this stuff out loud), you do not vilify a food or yourself because you ate it, you should have that chocolate if you want it- 1 piece- and then be done with it. But damn it, have that chocolate if you want it. WHO CARES?? And then be done with it. You do not feel like a failure because you did not walk for 2 hours and then do pushups and situps at home and then garden and clean house and stay active every minute of the day..... A very hard change to be honoring what your body needs and not what you mind wants. I am going to train and eat for the body I want, not because I hate the body I have. Now isn't that a good idea!!??!!
So what is the lesson, the take away, the - oh that is what she was getting at!!! ? I want to wake up and eat something and not think much about it again until I notice I am hungry, and then eat something. Rinse and repeat. And those foods I do want to enhance my muscle development because I want to be in a few benchpress competitions, so I am going to train for that. I will worry more about the number on the bar and WAY less about the number on the scale. Because if i do what I am planning to here, I won't have to worry about the scale at all. But old Debi and her issues will not go away quietly. And perhaps it is unrealistic to imagine that that would be possible. I don't want the essence of Debi to change, I just want to quit obsessing about what I am eating. I think I am a pretty good person to know. I like bouncing through life unaware of what is propelling me forward- it suits me. Like joy giving. smiling. sunshine. and all that jazz- oh and don't forget the clouds and rain, we kinda need those too. They give us some kick ass sunrises. And that is always a joy!