Thursday, February 19, 2015

late day, long week, getting better

OH my goodness, this was my first week of full days and my lil self is TIRED, folks!

So what has happened the last few days? Basically last week I did half days and no after-school because I was toast after only a half day.  Friday I stayed HOME and rested, which I totally needed, and then I had of course, Saturday and Sunday.  Monday was an inservice that I attended, and then this week I have been at school all day and then after school for scenery.

I have had good progress in many ways.  I can put on my own socks, I am much more comfortable driving.  I can bring the phone to my ear and not have to have it on speaker.  All sorts of good things!  I was utterly fried on Tuesday, but Wednesday and tonight isn't quite so intense.  Well, not so far, but sleepy is coming.

This has been an interesting journey.  I have had a few introspective things come up over the past few days.  First of all, I believe I have alluded to the fact I have been battling the whole time the feeling that I am fake hurt. That, sure there is xray evidence of these elbow things, but if I would just suck it up and get going, I'd be fine.  This is something I feel every day.  I felt like I should deflect all conversation away from myself, because for some reason I did not deserve any attention for this.  I am not sure where this all comes from.  Is it the way that I was raised?  Is it a cultural expectation that women (or men for that matter) should not be held down for more than a short time by anything. That if you are affected than you must not be trying hard enough.  It has sort of bothered me and haunted me.  I'm sure Jo, the lady at school who procures substitutes,  would have appreciated me just saying that I was only coming back to school for the mornings that third week. That full days were going to just be too much. Would have helped her, I am sure.  I felt a bit depressed about the whole thing, as this inner struggle would nudge me frequently during the day and make me feel guilty and sad about sitting around.  Maybe that was a way my brain had to wrestle me down and keep me still.  I really don't like being still all day.

With the definite victories,  there are weird things I found that bother me- like stapling,  or say, folding paper  and pressing paper folds- like when one is folding origami swans and frogs during inservices.  I'm finding ways to work around those kinds of limitations, and using those benchmarks to understand where you are in your journey back to strength.

Speaking of strength, I will be having another checkup with the orthopedic doctor next Tuesday, I have to imagine I will be cut loose after that.  I am really doing fine, I will get some advice about retraining and getting my  muscles back!

I know I had a few other things I was going to say, but the sleepies are with me.  I am feeling the effects of the day and so I will begin my nightly winding down.  I hope that you found a big share of joy today, and take the time tomorrow to give some away!

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