What do you want to do now?
You have spent the last 9 months doing what you need to do. You spent the day yesterday doing what was urgently called for - to allow your brain to change gears, though that hasn't really happened yet. What is it you want to do with your afternoon/day/summer/life?
You have made reservations to go see the mountains and fly in a plane. You have made arrangements for a dear friend to come and visit. You have allowed your children and spouse to do what they need to do and worry about whether everything in their world is right and good or at least tolerable. What do you want to do now?
It is too windy to kayak and probably bike, so what is the next choice? Playing word with friends seems like a wasteful thing to do on a sunny afternoon, so should you really? Weeding the flower garden would accomplish something, but is that the most important thing in the world?
Walking seems like a good idea, but your phone needs to charge up. Music is necessary because you don't necessarily want to be alone with the thoughts in your head. That is a bit too much to deal with today.....
You could bake or clean or straighten, but just who are you doing that for? Is this the way to spend your second day of summer vacation? Are you entitled to another day of enjoyment or should you just get to work and stop being so damn self indulgent? Apparently you have moments of believing that you have the right to do what you want and not necessarily what you should be doing. And who is this person who determines what should be done? Certainly not Debi. Because she just doesn't want to be alone and doing what she is supposed to. She has done that all her life. She is tired of it today.
What is going to fill your afternoon, and will it fill the need you have today? Will it give your brain a way to relax, so maybe at some point in your life you can sleep again? Will it make you finally feel good enough for all the amazing things that are and might be happening? I hope so, because I think you need it. Because you look so damn tired.
And all you really want is to find some peace along with your joy.