Thursday, December 22, 2016

I can't lose my sparkle

It has been a while since I posted here- I think about it a lot, and so you know--- here I am.  But I have begun many posts in my mind, and a post or two right on this computer- but I never actually write.  I close the browser, close the laptop and do something else.

First good snow and beginning of the ice

When I write this it is sort of like journaling and sometimes stuff comes pouring out that really wasn't intentional, and yet there it was....  I really like writing here, I love posting my pictures- it is something that makes me feel great and I have had enough people tell me how much they enjoy the various aspects of this blog, that I continue. Not that I actually HAVE to have external validation, but it is enjoyable.

So, recently it has come to my attention- not about my blog, but other online parts of life- that there are people who have no other life to live and intrude.  And I have heard about these things indirectly and so I have been feeling like I had to edit my thoughts on paper er online.  Now, this is interesting, as it is my fucking blog and I can write what I want, but because I live in a supposed civilized society- somehow I feel responsible for not pissing everyone I know off.
COLD evening in December

So this gives me anxiety, which is not good for me- at all.  Anxiety- in its milder form- has been with me my entire life.  Of course we all get anxious at times, that is part of life, but I definitely have some periods that I am pretty much paralyzed when I have down time.  I function fine within my work, but when I get home I am done.  If my mind latches onto something that is upsetting, or if I feel I have unknowingly wronged someone (story of my life) or similarly they have been unfair to me, I can barely function.  It is a problem. Fortunately I can shake myself off of it if I make sure I get to the gym or outside.... but this is not always the case.  I know I don't have a serious case, but still.... and Christmas doesn't make it any easier.  But I will say, I have worked through a lot of my Christmas related litany of unrealistic expectations and at least that is much easier to deal with.

You may find it hard to believe I feel this way, but you just don't always know what goes on in the inside of someone, not matter how joyful they appear to be.

As mentioned above, exercise is a saving grace for me, and if I can't get out and do some heavy duty cardio, my mental health does suffer a bit.  So one of the things that I have not written about since I last said hello- along with some STUPID cold weather, Thanksgiving, Ella visiting, kiddo sitting for the mad middle son, Christmas shopping and decorating and my other random carryings on- is something that has sort of stopped me from doing that good for me exercise.  If you ask certain people in my life- lets say younger people who are possibly in the same room as me during the morning, you may find out a supposed story about a large heavy mirror come crashing down on my toe- a toe that I am positive got smashed into an electron cloud of owie...   But we all know that nothing is done to injured/busted big toes, so aside from icing and a few ibuprofen, I did not bother to go get it X-rayed.  I just don't find the inside of the clinic all that enticing... and NO ONE wants to fill out that workmans comp report... oy.  so yeah, I can sort of weight-lift and I can walk a couple miles.... and I have found I can sit and ride the exercise bike at the gym, if I can beg someone to come and talk to me while I am doing it.

I just looked at my last few blog posts and see a similar anxious note to them, and that makes me sort of sad.  So while I refuse to adjust my musings for the pleasure of others, I also know that I need to deal with this all and move on.  So many parts of my life have hit a wonderful rhythm, and very satisfying relationships help keep me even and grounded.   I have come to understand a lot of things about myself in the last few years that really make life so much easier- so I have just a bit more work to do. A few more things to understand.
I had walked down to the boat landing in November- before  hunting season...  on this lovely day.  When I got home, I hopped in my car and brought the DSLR down and took these.  So glad I did

I do have a lot more to tell you and some more photos to share.  And I have to get rocking and rolling on that, as Christmas is coming and I have company coming,  and hopefully some Bayfielding!  Because I am missing that- big time.  Not to mention the dal at Coco's - mmmmm and the falafel.

So shake off all the crap if you can and find your joy!  And remember to live in the moment and enjoy the people who are the most important to you.  Everyone else can just wait.

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