I miss my (nice) clothes

 I just laughed out loud when I titled this - I miss my clothes.  So an edit was applied to make it slightly less eyebrow raising, or letting people think that I need to be institutionalized or something.  Or perhaps avoiding covert visitors to the property to get a look at what THIS might all mean!

Anyway, I just had a DSW email notification pop up as I opened this tab, and it just reminds me of the pretty dresses,  cute skirts, leather boots, colorful tights and other pretty things that I used to wear, not all that long ago.  

It makes me look back over the years and think about how things have changed.  When I first started working at the school, as a sub, I had nice enough things I guess, but I really didn't dress "up". You never knew what you were going to get- recess duty, art projects (which I got a lot of), etc.  It was just safer to be in sturdy items that were not going to be a tragedy if they got dirty.  Back when I was younger, I never wore dresses, or almost never.  There were a few things behind that: lack of opportunity other than subbing, really poor self confidence and probably the main factor- not a lot of money.  3 kids and part time work does not give one a huge clothing budget. 

Anyway, somewhere along the line I got my full time job and I was constantly covered in art supplies.  Also not at all conducive to nice clothes.  At least in my mind it was ridiculous to choose to get paint all over nice clothes and I really didn't think I was worthy of wearing pretty clothes like many of the lovely (read: thin) coworkers of mine.  This was my own judgement, no one else's.

Fast forward to having a constantly changing job and life, turning 50, finding my voice and confidence and the art teacher who wore dresses almost every day evolved.  I became known for my cute tights and pretty boots, skirts and dresses and sweaters.  Still occasionally paint covered but not as much as I thought.  I LOVED dressing up the last 5 years or so of my career.  It was the best thing I even did for myself. I felt so good, and my colleagues and other friends would comment about what I wore. Even the big kids liked my clothes, and I had more than one kindergartener tell me they like my pants (my tights usually, lol) and then proceed to pet my leg and admire the color.  It cracked me up, but mostly made me feel awe that anyone would pay attention.  The assumptions I had had about myself were not at all true. I broke a lot of my own self imposed rules. 

Even though I am indeed grateful for not working now, this would be terribly stressful work environment, there are so many things I miss.  The smell of the oil paint when I first walked in the door of the high school art room, straightening the disorder I frequently left the night before, opening or starting the kiln, pulling myself together in front of the mirror and occasionally taking a selfie to share. I miss talking to my coworkers, the high school students, and getting the mass hugs from my elementary kids. And my nice clothes.  

I did the right thing at the right time, and I still have a few things left in my closet.  Someday I will get to wear them again- This will end, right? 

Tomorrow is February and so far 2021 isn't too bad.  Lets hope it stays that way- not too bad isn't the worst way to be. Find your way the best you can.

Chocolate cookies and things

Today is a not-gonna-do-it day for me.  If I don't feel like it, I'm not.  For the most part that is.  I guess the MA will get fed since the poor boy works 7 days a week.  But if you know him, for the love of all things good in this world, do not drop by and visit him at the office.  Public service announcement: do not stop and chit chat with your local accountant.  They are too nice to tell you that. Anyway, I didn't want to snowshoe or anything else this morning so there it is....  not gonna do it.

I keep thinking back to the dentist office and the really messed up energy that hygienist had. She will be encouraged to take it down about 3 steps next time.  You know, I specifically asked not to be nagged when I started at this new office a few years ago, apparently they will need to be reminded.  Yes, I am still pissy about it all.

Ok, deep breaths and I am reminding my self of what my meditation instructor said this morning: you can always come back to this place of peace whenever you need to.  And I am doing so.  People unloading on me, yet again, find your peaceful place.  People not answering me back (some of whom I may be related to)- peaceful place.  A lot of energy because I didn't do any yoga or strength training today- peaceful place AND let's make something chocolate.  

I had chocolate chips in the house, but was missing one of the ingredients needed to make magic cookie bars. I have coconut but not the will to roll up balls of coconut candy and dip them in chocolate.... sigh.  So, chocolate cookies it is.  Why not?  The dough is literally chilling out in the fridge at the moment, so here I am waiting for it to firm up to be baked.  

Which leads me to some random thoughts I had while doing this new recipe.  Seriously, Pinterest and blogger bakers are pretty damn annoying. First of all you have to wade through paragraphs and more paragraphs to get to the recipe.  Then the woman who wrote the recipe started talking about over measuring flour- I mean, what the heck does that even mean?  Then she said also, don't use too LESS flour..... oh honey.....  So I read on and realize she means, you need to make sure you don't put in too much flour- therefore scoop it and level. Some sad examples of awkward/incorrect phrasing.  Minor I know but - I am easily annoyed today. 

 I remember one recipe that I did for a chocolate swirl banana bread that, I kid you not, had you using like 5 bowls and a pan and all of the measuring utensils in your cupboard.  I got it down to one bowl and a glass 4 cup measuring cup, besides teaspoons and things like that.  At the time, my mission was to avoid dishes.  Since I now have a dishwasher, it is purely for bragging rights and pride.  I have no one to brag to but myself, but we are pretty smug about it.  Anyway, I know I shouldn't be down on people because you don't know their journey, but if you put that stuff on the internet you should do your editing. And for god sakes don't make a million dirty dishes.

But on a positive note, Laurie and I are beginning to plan out the plants we are growing.  I should point out that she is the one with the indoor seed starting setup: the correct lighting, windows, plant racks, etc.  I am here to provide moral support, help and potting soil.  My house just doesn't have a good place for it, and I am not setting that up in my bedroom.  I know someone who thinks I should put all kinds of things in there and that gets shot down really quickly.  I am not filling that room with stuff.  I am slowly improving the space with carefully chosen beautiful items....  makes me happy to think about it. 

It almost looked like the sun might be peeking out, but maybe not.  However, it is staying lightish out past 5 pm now, and that is really outstanding. Might be getting a bit of snow tomorrow, and that is fine, too.  To have it almost 4pm and really bright out yet is so hopeful and so joyful.  And we all need a little bit of that. 

I think it is time to bake the cookies!  If you follow me on Instagram I am sure that photos will follow, at least in the stories part.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Rock on!

A positive note

 Ok, so I feel kind of horrible about complaining since I restarted this blog, so here are a few positives - because really, that is not how I generally operate.

I made and have eaten chocolate cake!  YES!

I have seen my mad-ex-science teacher friend for a few minutes, so that was wonderful, and tomorrow I am taking Lola's (the food truck Lola, not the statue) to my birthday-girl friend's place.  I get to have an outing!  That doesn't involve being nagged at by dental professionals.  

The sun has been out lately and conversely its snowed a little, so I will be snowshoeing in a day or two. 

Daffodils, not in season, grace my kitchen and they make me so happy.

I am still loving my refreshed bedroom and from 4 years ago, my kitchen remodel.  I appreciate the hard work we did after all these years of living in kinda ugly.

I am SO grateful none of my closest friends or family have gotten the 'rona and neither have I.  The one or two of my next circle out have gotten it and recovered.  This is so good. The MA will get his vaccine soon I think, and I will as soon as I can.  All these things are superb.  And I will never talk politics, but thank god that nightmare is over.

I am enjoying my new workout schedule, peloton is fun- and I am really looking forward to getting the bike.  and I am enjoying the benefits of the activities  and I remember how much I enjoy lifting weights.  I have no idea why, but I do love it.

This is the best I can do tonight, as I am getting a little tired... that is what happens when one gets up- unfathomably at 5-5:30 am.  It is the best time of the day.

Make this week the best you can- there is always something good in - just little conversations or text messages can make your day complete.

Rock on good people!  And be nice. 

self worth?

 The last few days have been interesting, let's say.  I had the pleasure of having the mad-middle son's kids- with parents of course- for a while Sunday.  I had a dentist appt, had to do errands, etc....  I saw some people I haven't in a while.  For the most part its been ok-ish, and I won't even bother to rant about the dental appointment.  You can never be good enough for the dental office, so whatever.  They can stick it.

Anyway, in my quest to let people be who they need to bet, I am failing miserably at being nonjudgmental and accepting.  MISERABLY!! In some ways, I feel bad for one or two of these people, and in others I want to yell at them but I don't.  Which leads to me having a lot of pent up emotions and then the voices in my own head speak up and this is all just one big mess.  I am grateful for the few  who are constants in my life and I pretty much know what to expect, and mostly it is such a relief when your beliefs and theirs pretty much line up on all the important matters.  Wasn't that a fun run-on sentence that I didn't even bother to correct?  

I had a comment get to me though:  You are retired, you don't have any stress in your life.  I understand this was not meant to be mean or nasty, but it reminded me BIG time of breaking my elbows when it was implied I should be grateful I only had compression fractures and not ones with bones sticking out of my skin or crumbled like dust inside my arm. Because is it even really broken if you don't have a cast?? Bite me. 

This of courses coupled with another conversation made me actually feel GUILTY for getting out of teaching/retiring when I did. I am sorry I don't have to bear the unbelievable stresses that teachers now have, and I cannot feel good about not having to deal with it. .........  wait!  I am not at all sorry.  I would have been able to do it, but I am glad that I do not.  I have thought about this off and on for the last 24 hours or so, and so I decided maybe writing it down might help dispel the thought.  

I am so sorry that you can not retire at this time (insert a few names here) but I actually am older than you and frankly put my time in.  I did a lot of things over the last 35/40 years, and having my own room/full time job only happened for 20 of them.  And things stayed constant for a grand total of 7 of those years and then all bets were off.  Anyway, I did my best and I regret only a few things, and speaking up for myself is not a regret ever, and next time I will.

So now I am going to try to go on with my day without having conversations and voices replaying inside my mind ad nauseam. I need to continue with the rehab of my stupid knees, which by the way, got injured when I over exercised a while back , so that sucks.  But on I go- so whatever, at least the rehab is working.

OMG, I realize that it was 6 years ago TODAY that I broke my elbows.  If you want to know about that craziness it is right HERE....   it was ridiculous. 

ok, back to business....  

Rock on you wonderful people

why though

 Ok, so I am going to apologize in advance for this vague post.  I can't really say the specifics because I am not that person.

I knew when the text conversation started it would lead to no good things.  And because I am a person who is mindful of the differences in people, I try to NOT say things that sound judgmental or mean.  I tap danced right on that line today much to the detriment of my mental health.  I think sometimes that my innate sense of respectfulness is not good for my blood pressure or mood.

That being said, how do you deal with a person who has no apparent ability to respect boundaries that you have clearly drawn- because I don't think they even understand that the boundary has been established.  I of course ask for no real answer, that was somewhat rhetorical.  But I am really REALLY agitated atm, and this is my attempt to settle in.  My mantra of letting people be who they are is not really working.

I constantly question my motives and second guess my intentions and all I really want to do is be able to say fuck it, I don't need this in my life.  FTA. 

Ok, now I need to go see what time my live yoga is and try not to actually crawl the walls with frustration. I'm ready to move to an island of some sort.  I'll send for  some of you when the time is right.  lol

Crying during a happiness meditation

 Yes, you read that right.  I was so disturbed by this I can't even tell you.  

I am going to talk about one thing at a time here- like in each post a different focus.  I have a billions things that I could say, but  I have possibly been identified as someone who is decidedly nonlinear in her story telling, so I am going to try to keep this concise.  Yeah, I just rolled my eyes at that idea as well.

Why did I cry?  Idk, but in my quest to make sure I get the January activity challenge on Peloton, even on my rest days, I at least do a meditation or a restorative yoga. A few unanswered questions there, right?

So yes, let's rewind.  Back  in December, things were much like they are now, except of course for the stresses of Christmas, which somehow makes things seem even more sucky but I digress. I decided for the sake of my physical and mental health I needed to change a few things. So I started by allowing myself to be talked into (tho I had been thinking about it) joining the Peloton cult. I am a person who constantly needs change and new things to do, and this time of my life has way too few of those things.   I was perturbed to find out the bike won't get here until late February, but also heartened because they give you free use of the app during your wait time so you can become properly indoctrinated, um oh, or should I say, to give you something to do to pass time waiting.  

The app has literally everything on it for you  to do that is available on the bike, but, you know, there is no bike.  So if I had a different bike, which I don't, I could use it to cycle.  BUT there is a lot else to do there, including but not limited to: strength training, resistance bands, yoga, meditation, cardio, outdoor walking coaching (which is kind of ridiculous to use when you are plodding through snow and over icy roads), pilates, etc.  I am putting a positive spin on the fact the bike won't be here for a while by saying I am using this time to get stronger so I don't actually harm myself. And it is really true.  

Fortunately for me, I have the technique for weight lifting down pat, so it is just a matter of building up the pounds that I move.  I'm on the threshold of needing 15 pound dumbbells (for any one near by that is going out of town anytime soon- that would be awesome) and I, of course, picked up resistance bands as well, because variety  (and shopping) makes me happy.  Now the yoga thing is a different matter, I have done small amounts here and there, so I have a nodding acquaintance with it, but I am taking that slow.  I have  gotten the mat and the blocks for it, as they are quite crucial.  

Anyway, I can talk about that (yoga and strength training) another time, because I am trying to prove I can stay some what on topic. So Peloton gives you badges for things- like so many days in a row and for doing x number of strength, yoga, stretching.....  etc sessions.  A FUN thing is to do their live classes, which I try to work in when I can, otherwise they are all on demand.  So yeah, as I have proved in previous parts of my life, I will work hard for virtual bling.  shiny things.  useless awards. bring it. On this program there is NO talk of diet ever and they really do a good job of modifying or offering modification techniques for all people.  It is quite good, except for the whole moving-from-standing-to-hands-and-knees-or-lying so fast situation.  It can be a problem depending on how far I have pushed myself the previous day. Some days standing up from down dog is not going to gracefully happen.  But wow have my stupid knees gotten better, so there is that.  

Today is a total rest day.  Which means no yoga, no strength, no pilates from hell, etc. but because Debi does work for badges- she will at least do a meditation on rest days to keep that streak going.  

I have been doing daily meditation for 3 years now and I am a believer.  I use Headspace in the morning, virtually every morning, and so I was not convinced that I would need to use Peloton meditation.  But that first day came where I needed to take a day off, and I was firmly hooked into those badges, and so I logged in to a meditation.  Well.....  they are amazing! For the most part the instructors for meditation only do that and yoga.  That is not true of all of them, but for the most part.  All of the meditations have been great, there are 3 people I keep going back to because I like their voices and their ways. My favorite probably is Ross, who had a live meditation this morning.

So yeah, he had a happiness meditation, which he prefaced by saying is not a light- everyone be happy, but more of a deeper allowing yourself to have peace or whatever works for you.  I love the music they use too, btw, and it felt good to start.  But when he began prepping us for the main meditation, I don't even know what he said but my eyes filled with tears and literally before I knew it he was wrapping up that 10 minutes and I had been wiping my eyes the whole time.  Not exactly what I was expecting.

So do I feel happy? Not exactly, but I am feeling more aware.  This whole self quarantine stuff is shitty.  I do not do well with it at all.  I feel angry when people are doing things that I can't let myself do yet, I feel sad when I don't hear back from my people, I feel hopeless that it will ever end....  then I am pissed at myself for being such a baby, but I feel what I feel and so I let myself off the hook as much as I can. Like I said in the previous post, I am trying to let people be who they need to be and I have to do that with myself as well.  

So today, I decided to write a little, I am going to renew my intent from a month ago to draw a face a day- nothing fancy, just draw.  I am going to read a chapter of a pretty good book I have been reading and I am going to try to leave my people alone and be my own best friend.  I'm not that great at any of this some days.  Wish me well.

And everyone put thought of a Peloton bike coming to me the last Tuesday in February out into the universe- because I have been waiting 5 weeks already and I have been using these 5 weeks to the best of my ability!!!  

Rock on people! xo

wow its been a hot minute

 Hey there- 

I had some grand idea about writing something and then I tried loading Chrome onto my Mac and that didn't work out too well, and I don't have the will to complete the mission....  so all my ideas have vanished.  

It is interesting to see that Blogger is updated, I have not been on here for quite a while.

So I guess now that I know Blogger works well again on the Safari platform, Google chrome can just sit there and not be installed.  HA.

I see a hint of the sun coming out but I have no reason to go outside since there is no mail here on MLK day. Which makes no sense in any context whatsoever.  I have had ideas for short little posts but until this minute just let them slip out of my consciousness.  I am feeling the need to write, so I probably will.  It'll be somewhat longer than a tweet but shorter than one of my usual rambles.  

I will use these posts to describe the weirdly not-all-that-successful settling into retirement that I have experienced, and other random thoughts that literally flood my brain when I am surviving this separation from people at large.

At the moment, I am working hard to let people be who they are.  I have some folks in my life who are not in alignment with the way I have been living, and it is quite disturbing to me.  But I am letting them be who they need to be, trying not to judge the hell out of them.  Be who you need to be,  that is my mantra for the present time.  Well I have another one too, but you probably don't want to know what that is.  haha.  One person does, and that is it.  I have a filthy mouth inside this head of mine and my mantras do reflect that.

More random thoughts to come.

And maybe pictures too, but I am not actually promising that.  Which we all know will come, but I am not in the mood today.

Peace out!

Wow random and disjointed today.  Its me at my best 😁