Wednesday, June 6, 2012

So long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye! **

I can not tell you how many years I have been waiting to write this particular blog post, or at least I should say that I cannot tell you how long I have been waiting to tell someone this- since I have only been blogging for a year plus, it would be a little bit of an exaggeration to say that first part with out qualification. At any rate, this is beyond exciting into the category of EPIC.

Let me tell you the story, children, of a camper......  a camper who has been deserted, forgotten by all (except for the crabby princess down the driveway) and left to decay out in the elements.  It was many many years ago that the Camper- oh let's call him Frank, just for fun, was left at the house of Oswald.  A local villager had parked poor Frank under some trees- "just for now"- as certainly someone would pay thousands of dollars for Frank.  After all, he was in fine shape, a prime specimen of camper finery.  Just waiting for some nice UPS man to see him and want to buy him for his nice new mega big Ford or Chevy pickup truck.  The V. I. , who may be some sort of shirt tail relative of the magical people of Oswald,  was moving to a far away land to the west and could not bring poor Frank with him.  So Frank was forced to wait patiently under the trees, curtains bright and lively, still hanging in the windows, cushions waiting for someone to sit on them in a campground somewhere, anywhere would have been fine.

Years pass and Frank begins to show signs of weariness.  His lovely coat began to look dirty, this top is being covered with debris from the trees above him, his curtains beginning to fade.  Rumor has it that there may have been small scurrying creatures living in his drawers, but no one has ever substantiated that!  The offer of a few thousand dollars for him several years before is but a dim memory and now poor Frank is really worth nothing.  Aw.  Sort of breaks your heart.

Meanwhile, the lovely princess, (who is occasionally crabby when looking at Frank) who lives up the driveway, has been recently begun threatening to call the local "recyclers"and in fact has instructed her buddy the Barber, who hears all the latest and greatest news and talks to literally EVERYBODY in town, to call the Recycler when he returns from his journeys to the land of agave and cacti.  With that gauntlet being thrown down, the resident accountant (the Princess's spouse)  knows that if he wants to maintain any semblance of order in his life he needs to act swiftly.  In the guise of selling some goods (like a massive plate of metal that had been used for a mysterious purpose) to a merchant from a nearby town, a plan was set into place to lure the merchant north to the land of Oswald.  There he would be enticed by the other interesting things that are laying about the property.  Like a dirt bike of unknown and possibly unsavory origins. Ooooo, pretty!

And the princess had her chance to plant the seed of an idea in the merchants brain. "Don't you want that lovely camper, Ralph?"  "Um, no, we don't want that rotten thing!"  "Dang"  BUT....... The merchant's son is intrigued by Frank, perhaps seeing through his rotting interior to the glory of his former days.  Regardless of the reason, the Merchant and his son, and his son's friend and eventually his ex-wife, all arrived in the land of Oswald- with big yellow machines and trailers in tow, and they will NOT be allowed to leave the premises without Frank!!

The Princess had been waiting for the Merchant for over a week and she was getting very excited at the thought of having Frank off of the property!  Rumor  has it (ahemresidentaccountant) that she had sat out on the lawn every day for that week with a 6 pack of big-girl beverages (for them of course) waiting for the Merchant to arrive. And every night at 11 she would come in- 6 pack empty- and say "I guess they aren't coming tonight!"  The Accountant's story exaggerates a bit, I think!  So after veiled threats are made about the safety of the Merchant's loved ones, repair shop and wrecker, the words the princess has been waiting for are spoken--  He's bringing the trailer and skidsteer tonight!  No sweeter things have ever been spoken, or at least not for a few days..... like when she was screaming, I'm DONE,  I'm DONE after she finished cleaning her princess art rooms and posting her honorable grades.  But she digresses.....

So, the Merchant and son arrived, friend and not-really-that-heavy-of-machinery in tow. They were met serenades of trumpets and drums!  Oh, wait, that might have been in the Princess's head - she has the ability to turn on any kind of music in her brain that fits the occasion!  The Merchant probably didn't hear it, but trust me, it was there.  The princess dashed out to the lawn, camera in tow, to record the blessed event.  Frank is going to have a home!  Well, hang onto your cushions Frank, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
You just KNOW it's not going to be this straight forward, don't you?

Kind of makes you want to avert your eyes, doesn't it?

Oh Frank, this HAD to hurt!

DRAGGING Frank's ass up onto the trailer

Thing did not go what you could call smoothly or uneventfully, but on the other hand Frank did not end up on his side and he DID end up on the trailer.  There was a lot of dragging and pushing and rearranging that went on, but in the end, Frank got to take a ride!  The Merchant's son had forgotten his torsion-bars in the land south of Phillips, so that is why the Merchant's ex-wife ended up here as well! Moms are always rescuing their children, aren't they??  The weight of Frank (oh I will just leave that one alone) plus the skidsteer equalled the tongue of the trailer almost dragging on the ground.  That would not be a good thing!  With the tortion-bars installed, all was right with the world, and Frank, looking pretty tattered and torn, also looked very happy.  Cheers filled the streets and fireworks filled the air as they drove off into the east- OH, wait, that was all in the princess' head again, goodness she has quite the lively imagination! They did drive to the east, though, and that was good.  And the Princess was jubilant and promptly texted a bestest friend and told them all about the great news!  Frank has a new home!!!  Wednesday has been deemed a day of celebration at the house of Oswald! And a day of cleanup- boy those people from south of Phillips left a mess. The Princes of Oswald were also notified and 2 of the 3 responded within moments of the announcement. Of course the elusive Prince Mike will make an anonymous appearance at some point in the next few days and check it out himself.




So what, you may ask, ever happened to the VI?? The VI had a string of unfortunate luck and now lives in a hut near the river, with some animals and land and a few sketchy pieces of farm equipment and has christened himself a farmer.  Isn't he going to be surprised when he gets a bill for the Princess's visual pain and suffering for the past 20 odd years???  I hope he has some savings buried under one of the local rockpiles!  Hey, he has left a disk at the house of Oswald, and I think there is a plow, too!  Next summer when the princess learns to weld, they could be turned into some very interesting pieces of garden sculpture- maybe it will become "Farm-henge" or something!

And that boys and girls is the end of my story- and they all lived happily ever after.....  or at least the princess did!  And the VI doesn't know any better.  And the resident Accountant dodged another huge bullet, so he is pretty pleased as well.... Now he has to deal with that nasty looking trailer!  Oh RALPHIE!!!!

Until next time, be a story-teller and a joy-giver!

***Names and details have been changed to protect the princess- oh, I mean the innocent!  :)


  1. So Princess, I mean DebiO! The term VI might be a vague reference to some, but here in my village, we have a couple in training, so if you run out...

    Happiness on the end of the dark cloud of Frank that has overlaid your kingdom of Oswald!

  2. Oh Princess ~ you tell the greatest of tales. I really really enjoyed your story. Oh the tale I could tell you of a place on the shores of a little lake in your kingdom. You might have to share your 'naked girl beer' to get it out of me though - lol
    'love & hugs from afar'