Friday, June 29, 2012

Staring me in the face

A couple of guidelines to this post-

1. Understand that I know I can be completely irrational.
2. Know that not only do I know that I am irrational, I know that I have to go through this process to get to the other side.
3.  Sometimes, I also know I can be utterly hard headed, ornery, and will NOT face reality!!

So somewhere along the line here, kids, I have apparently hurt my knee.  I know there are many of you who are saying, well, what does she expect with all of the exercise she does, and no rest, and .......  Yeah- see guideline #1.  I have to do all that exercise to KEEP MY WEIGHT OFF, people!!  I do not appreciate being shown by my body that it is not 25 anymore and indeed at an age where you have to mark that box that just seems impossible.  It upsets me to no end, and I am generally not a person who is bothered by age.  It is what it is!  But limitations that are not self imposed are just a tad on the irritating side!  (See both guideline #1 and 2).  I have this horrible feeling that if I let myself be inactive, I will automatically gain like 10 - 20 pounds, virtually over night.  (hmmm- read #3)

I actually skipped my beloved ballet class yesterday because my knee was swelled up.  I did not walk last night, and today, I have planned to intentionally do no exercise.  Unless I go and do some shoulder work after I get done with my lovely Smartboard training......  Oh, I can see I might have to make up some more guidelines to this post!

4.  All readers should understand that I know I will learn a lot during summer inservices, but they should also know that the resentment factor totally negates any joy that has been found interacting with my peers.  
5.  You and I both know that it could be nearly impossible for me to NOT exercise at all on any given day, but know that the Mad-Art Teacher is going to give it that old college try!

I really do NOT want to go to that inservice today, summer is made for doing many things, and sitting inside on a lovely day when there is a garden to weed and a giant hand to work on is not part of my preferred to do list!  (see #4)  But I will go, suck it up and do the best I can, because that is who I am!

So what else is staring me in the face?  I am a horrible procrastinator. I have to finish my complaint post here and complete my orders for next year for the High School.  I could have probably finished them yesterday, but I tend to goof around when stressed out!  (See #1, #2, #3, then reread #1 and #3 again). You know I love to goof around, at the computer, on the phone, outside, where ever I may be, but it does lead to me finding myself pushing to complete a task before a deadline. Plus the whole elevating ones knee and putting ice on it tends to make me antsy and anxious.  Hence avoidance, and your need to review that guideline #3!!

In my stressed out state yesterday I realized that I was reverting to some old food habits!  VERY distressing.  MINDLESS eating, eating WAY more than I usually do, not thinking about what I was doing....... basically the evil little gremlin that lives in my head that tells me how much better I will feel after that piece of bread, that cheese, that icecream bar, that cupcake half, etc.  I sound like the "Very Hungry Caterpillar"!  When indeed I wasn't hungry at all, and then my tummy did hurt. And my mind and my soul.  (yep, back to guidelines 1 - 3, several times)  I plan to undereat today.  Big time.  To negate the whole lack of exercise thing and some terrible hungry caterpillar eating.

So, let's see, we have a hurt knee, procrastination, going to an inservice in the summer, which should be illegal for all teachers (oops- read #4) BAD food choices, and then there is the dreaded scale!  Ugh, I won't go there....

I have really REALLY fabulous friends!  Hey, that might need it's own guideline!

6.  The Mad Art Teacher has fabulous friends who are the most caring people in the world and frankly she wonders some days why they bother with her ridiculousness and how they are being forced to read another goofy post and review her insane guidelines 10,000 times!  Because they are full of awesome-sauce!!

My friends have told me that I should take occasional rest days.  Do I listen, well yes, but it is in the execution of this good idea that I occasionally fail!  (see that guideline #1 again)You see,  I never really truly think of myself as a "normal" person.  I do not feel that I ever:
*do quite enough to really succeed at what I do, much less cause myself any problems, physically
*actually have any sort of "right" to be injured or tired or anything, because I do believe that I do not do enough (#1 and #3)
* if I really don't do enough, I surely do not need a rest day
*my voices in my head do tell me that I will fail!  (do read #2 and then hang up on the calling of the nice men in the white coats)

It is true, though, I never feel like I have done enough.  I have never eaten well enough, never have done my weight lifting well enough, haven't done nearly as much cardio as I could have- that is a hard thing to have staring you in the face!  What is enough?  I have no idea, but if I do it you all will be the first to know!  (You know you have to reread #1)

BACK to my friends. (read that #6 a few times)  I can not thank the couple of people I talked to yesterday about this kind of stuff enough.  There is an online buddy or two, and a dear friend here and there who talked me off of my proverbial ledge yesterday.  I do wish that I didn't have to melt down whenever I face a crisis that is totally of my own making (see those first few guidelines) but it is what I do every so often and without their help, I'd be in big trouble.  It was interesting yesterday when I heard these 2 or 3 people and even the MA, when I finally told him about my knee, the exact same thing- well you have to stay off of it for a few days.......  yeah, thanks, I know this people. But it was helpful to hear it, in virtually the same words 3 or 4 times. (see #5, which is getting more difficult to face every moment).  Regardless, I intellectually know it won't last forever, I know I will heal, I know all these things, yet I am afraid.  I.  am.  terrified.

I am going to attempt to leave my friends alone today, after all I am going to be "busy", but they ALL know that really I need them to pat me on the head occasionally and send me a virtual smile.  Because I think I am going to need it, as I face down all the things that are staring at me right now.  A major one I haven't discussed is a goal I have set for myself, that might not get accomplished.  That really hurts.  I guess disappointment in myself is the hardest thing I will have to stare at today.

Maybe I should print off my own list of guidelines to review today, huh?

Somedays it is a little hard to find your joy, but if you look at it long enough it will be revealed!

Until then be a joy-giver!  And thanks for being one of my fabulous friends.  And reread guideline #6!

1 comment:

  1. If you can't be perfect, be a procrastinator, eh?

    The lilies are blooming. They do not toil, nor stress out, and they are beautiful...