Fears, flaws, challenges, and walking on water

Look, I'm walking on water!

I went for a walk today to try and overcome the sugar coma that was threatening to engulf me.  It was stupidly cold out, too, and I just didn't WANT to go.  But I did because I was so lethargic and tired that I knew getting out was the thing to do, but it took a LONG time to talk myself into it.

So after dressing myself in multiple layers, I decided to head on down to Smith Lake, one of my favorite thinking places.  I think about summer, about canoeing and I don't know why, but it is conducive to just mulling over life.

Self portrait in shadow with moon

As I have implied, Christmas is hard for me in many ways- most of them kind of personal and I really don't think need to be aired out in public.  Let's just say, like many of us, Christmas seems to point out our flaws, our unresolved childhood conflicts and issues, our insecurities and our dissatisfactions with parts of our lives.  That I think sort of sums it all up.  People make it out to be the most ideal part of life, and we all just know that isn't the truth.  If you even begin to think about all the songs that are being sung about it being the most wonderful time of the year and all that- well one can't help but think that one is doing something terribly wrong.  So, I always have to have a talk with myself on Christmas day to remind me to be grateful for what I have, but still go for what I want....  if that makes sense.  Well it did at the time!

So this is where I was going down to the lake in a serious effort to negate the effects of cookies, and candy and all sorts of things I haven't really eaten for a few years and I will not be letting myself get into THAT habit, let me tell you!  I had listened to all that depressing Christmas music the past few weeks (lol like Home for the Holidays and Let it Snow!) so I knew that I had to find something else.  I just acquired a new "unused" playlist and that was the ticket!

Moon rise

It is interesting how music affects me while walking.  A very wise friend mentioned (when I told her that there are a few pieces of music that I simply can not listen to any more while working out, as it makes me too sad) that when you pair up music and the endorphins released by running/walking/activity you get some powerful memory/emotion triggers!  That is undoubtedly the truth- there are about 3 songs that can literally bring me to my knees.  I try to avoid those songs, even though they are certainly a few of my favorites, or at least used to be.....  but if I can't listen to them, can they still be my favorites?  idk.  At any rate, it was very nice to be walking along with many songs that have no associations at all, it really made achieving my goal of clearing my head and my arteries quite enjoyable.  Exercise (along with the music) is an incredibly powerful thing.  The worst of moods can be eased by a 2 hour walk (sometimes less!  :) ) and all my irritations from a long day of work can be left on the floor of the gym.  I have had people tell me I am addicted to exercise- and that is an addiction I can live with. Unlike my apparent addiction to cookies.  Not sure I can live with that one anymore..... People who actually "know" will agree with me that exercise is a wonderful thing to be addicted to- the benefits are huge, the drawbacks are few.  And the good feeling that I get when I really lift some heavy weights or push myself to walk faster or if my knee can take it, to run longer- is almost unbeatable.  Almost!!

The dock at Smith Lake

So scroll forward to Smith Lake and there I am at approaching the edge of the boat landing.  If you remember back to last winter, I was afraid to walk on the ice.  Well, no one is going to be surprised to know that I still am afraid to walk out there, but I did.  I didn't even stop, I started my pep talk to the scared Debi about 1/2 mile before I even got there, and I walked right out onto the ice!  I wasn't happy about it, but I did it. Of course the little narrative that went on in my mind was quite an adventure!

"So you can walk out there,  no problem! Just go!"

"what if I get out there and I hear the ice start to crackle?"

"There are vehicle tracks out onto the ice. A 4 wheeler weighs more than you do, girl"

"But their weight is spread out over 4 wheels, mine is all concentrated on my two feet.  Even if I didn't go through the ice, all the way and drown, my foot could still go through!"

"We can call someone on the phone"

"Who am I going to call???? The MA has no cell phone, who knows where Mike is and it is Christmas for heavens sakes. Who is even HOME??  It is so cold out, I'd have frost bite so fast and that would suck.  AGH - I am so going to be in trouble.......  I think if I got myself to shore, covered up my wet feet with my coat and call EVERYONE on my contact list I might be able to save my feet.  I could yell for the ice fishermen to help me......."

"You are now out on the ice, so relax!  For heaven's sakes."

There are obviously several people who inhabit my brain.  It all gets a bit cluttered sometimes.

So I was walking on water again today, and it was ok.  I will always be afraid of the ice cracking under me, but I can do it if I want.

Think they could have heard me?  Are there even people out there???

And there is the dock- WAAAAY back there

I am a sucker for a challenge!  And I usually am the one who does the challenging- which usually turns into a bit of a joy for me.  Because if challenged, I will not be easily defeated!  Especially by myself!

My next challenge is to go out even FURTHER on the ice- oy.  I am sure I will be fine if I stay on the path, but  you KNOW that I will veer off for a few good pictures.  Maybe I should wear a life jacket!  ;) And always try to be a joy-giver!