This is a post not for the casual reader- you've been warned.
You know that even though I LOVE floating through my life like a little autumn leaf on the water- letting the current and the breeze nudge me in any given direction - sometimes when people start pegging stones into the water near me - intentional or not - I get caught in a teeny little whirlpool and end up dizzy and unsure of where I am going. (I am going to let one of my mad-english teacher friends have editing rights to make sure all my punctuation is correct!) And to complete my unlikely analogy- this is where the mad-art teacher leaf whips out her tiny little paddles and heads for shore so she can tremble on the edge until she regains her composure and lets the water circles from all the stones subsides.
I am hearing so many voices telling me what to do. Most of those voices (and these are of the real sort, not the voice in my head sort) (even though the over-riding voice trying to sort out the real ones is pretty loud) have no idea that they are doing this to me. I have had so many conflicting ideas come into my head that I hardly know what to do.
Let's start with the blogs I follow for my health and well-being.... Ok, so instead of being on the whole restrict calories and exercise until I fall over school of thought, I have made a transition to the let your body tell you what to eat and don't kill yourself exercising building. (sort of like going from Junior high to highschool) Now, these are two super different ideas, really, and I am now today wondering if I didn't have to go through the first one before I was ready for the second one. I am not sure. I know that the one doesn't play well with the other- trust me- they've been having an argument for sometime in my brain. (NO- that boy likes ME better than you. If you like him then you are not my friend- I hate you! Well I hate you, too.) (hee hee) Anyway, I have been slowly eliminating things from my emails and lists and such that are related to 5 easy ways to lose 5 lbs or how to get rid of that stomach and all that easy fix baloney that is like junk food in the reading world. I don't need that. And I have been finding all sorts of new blogs and websites that are more in line with the way of thinking I am heading towards.
More voices are being added to my already full chatroom. And I find myself agreeing with the new voices, and they are really having an effect on me. But this morning I woke up to multitudes of conflicting thoughts and I practically had a panic attack. I did a quick mental review of what I want to do today, and realized I don't have time to fit in everything. I want to go to the gym, for a walk, grocery shop, cook something, spend time with Greg here, clean my sewing room a bit, do photography during the "golden hour", and meanwhile be all things to all people and feed the horse. My brain did one of those mass rearrangement things and I was so panicked that I had to get up. I went through the feeling that I have to get all my exercise in that I want today, because you can only be your most fierce self if you spend x amount of time at the gym. I felt like I need to get a huge walk in because I did not yesterday. The first school of thought had me gaining back tons of weight because I did not get in my 10 hours of activity needed to become a thin person and the second school of thought had me feeling like I am not living a full life because I want to be thin. And that second school is also making me feel guilty if I was eating when I was not hungry and that I may have had an emotional eating moment or two or three, and the first school was scolding me for having some cake, with a fork, right out of the pan (Happy Birthday to the MA, btw!) (God he's getting old! hehehehe) How can I be a health warrior, a shining example to my friends, a fit person in great health if I never follow anyones' rules? HOW CAN I BE TRUSTED TO DO THE PERFECT THING AND BE THE PERFECT THINNER PERSON IF I CAN'T FOLLOW THE RULES???
WHEW- you guys I am absolutely overwhelmed with all this. I start feeling in control and something comes along to fuck it up. Yesterdays was when I was listening to a podcast that was pretty darn awesome. But unfortunately I didn't get to finish it because of a flurry of activity that involved the kid, the hubs, some wonderful shoppers who went to Bayfield and a pizza dinner. I stopped at a place that needed resolution, and I will get that today. But basically this person was talking about weight and body image and that you should learn to accept yourself no matter what the weight it is and then you will make food so unimportant you will have time to live your life as you should be. And that the "eat when you are hungry thing is indeed a diet and should not necessarily be what anyone should be doing. You should be eating to live, and you need to live your life not obsess about food. yeah.
Well the record scratch is this:
No matter what anyone says, I am not ready to cast aside the idea that it doesn't matter if I am thin or not. I am sure it doesn't. Intellectually I know it doesn't. It matters what kind of a character I have and the life I live. Something that is meaningful to me because ultimately we have to live our lives for us. And honey I am here to tell you, especially being a visual person, I want to look good. I sort of don't care what anyone says, I don't care if it is inline right now with our stupid society's whacked out vision of what others should look like. I am here to tell you it is a relief to feel like I am "normal" and not to have people secretly saying to each other how pretty she would be if...... or what have you. This is a dark secret that I have in my brain. I care about it. And now this voice told me I shouldn't care, now what the hell am I going to do. Part of this podcast is saying that part of the problem is that people FEAR getting heavy or regaining weight. Well, no shit, sugarbritches. It scares me to death. Obviously I need to finish that Podcast because half way through was no place to stop. The lack of resolution is killing me. Or maybe this internal discussion was a good thing to have, but where do I go from here.
I have this weird need to do things the best that I can and when I can't, I become paralyzed. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let people down. What if I can't not care about my weight, what if I can't accept myself however I am, or that I can't do a FANTASTIC teaching job on all 14 classes that I teach each week, or workout as much as I want to at the gym, or walk the 6 miles I want to, or make the Madrigal costumes that I am going to get paid for and the ones I want to make for someone for free but won't have time to. WHAT if I can't take these autumn pictures during the perfect time of the day, or that I can't find time to upgrade my comp to the latest OS so I can download my last update on aperture- because all the youtubes on how to add filters to my pix on Aperture are for the big update that I can't get..... How can I make my pictures perfect? And if I am doing all that stuff, am I living my life? Do I spend too much time on the computer? Do I text some people enough and am I texting others too much? Can I be the best vegetarian if I have to have some burritos for lunch sometimes because I didn't get a chance to make some good fresh meals on Sunday because I was trying to be perfect somewhere else. And now I understand I am making some people feel like I am being condescending when I use a lighthearted term of affection on facebook, when that was never my intention.
Make the voices just stop.