I have recently come to the realization (there is more to this, but I will leave that part of the story go for now) that no matter how together someone appears, they are just a mass of insecurity like all the rest of us. Some of us hide it well. Others of us hide it well in public and and tell only a few. Still others blog about it, or whine so loudly that everyone in the vicinity has no doubt that you are indeed just a bit "fragile". Lol. I will not be projecting which category any one person will be putting me into, because I am just now getting past caring what most other people think of me. It is still an area of insecurity in some ways, but I have found that for the most part their opinion just doesn't matter. Outside of my family, there are about 4 people whose opinion matters to me- people I trust and will consider their thoughts on any given matter seriously. Beyond that, I have to go with my own instincts and trust myself. I am working on this, and it is a good thing.
Most of you understand that I tend to yak on about things when they are bothering me or if I feel like a little tiny stone is in my shoe as I walk through my life. This is one of those posts..... if you don't want to hear about one of these moments in time, now is the moment to close this window and pretend you never saw this. Do it now. No really, right now..... this is your chance. Ok, be warned that I will be saying things that could make some people perhaps uncomfortable with my propensity for over-sharing......... and because there is a foul mouthed fairy who is always on my shoulder and when it comes to my blog, she is always ready to speak. And no one wants that particular little lady to open her mouth, now do they? :)
So after that awkward introduction, I can get into what I did today. This is a LOVELY Saturday, though a bit cold - to the point that I had to wear tights under my jeans when I walked today- and oh yes, I went for a walk. Some times I listen to my play lists (I need more music) and sometimes I listen to podcasts. I never used to think of myself as a podcast person, but if you find the right ones, they are pretty cool. You all know, I think, as a "group" (probably a group of 2 or 3 haha) that I get occasional life coaching from Anne-Sophie Reinhardt and I do follow a few blogger/coaches and such and one of them is Summer Innanen. Now Summer would be my second choice as a coach as she is pretty rocking cool. Anyway, she has a great podcast called Fearless Rebelle Radio and I catch up on it ever couple months.
Today I was listening to her interview a life coach who's tagline is "Daring to Suck". This is really compelling as, though I am a free spirit sort of girl, there is a strong tendency towards perfectionism and competitiveness that is hard for me to squelch. This remarkable and very interesting woman was talking about, among other things giving up being overly concerned with the outcome of things you do in your life. Not that you don't CARE about the things your are doing, just that- in my words- the process is frequently more important that the product. A thing I say to my kids about art ALL.THE.TIME. With varying degrees of success. But as things frequently work, walking the walk is harder than talking the talk. And if I didn't use that particular phrase correctly- see the above fairy comment.
Anyway, the podcast was an hour long and it just had point after point in it that resonated with me. But the biggest connection was when she discussed having a conversation with 3 different and seemingly conflicting and unrelated parts of ones' internal self. I heard some things here that were so profoundly my truth. I immediately began identifying those things, processing them and knew that I had to blog about this. While I did journal it, there is something about composing for blogspot that makes me really think through and synthesize what I have experienced.
I totally have bought into the idea that the more difficult parts of one's personality are things that protect you from the meaner and nastier parts of the world and perhaps yourself. For instance, there is a reason for emotional eating, as it is alerting you to the fact that something is UP in your life that is disturbing you and you need to discover what that is. Another example, trying to always be happy or joyful when you just cannot be that all the time- the crash comes and it can be evil, but it is a reset you need..... You get the idea.
Which leads me to the Bully, the Shy girl and the Sun. I noticed when I last wrote something about my broken elbows that I am repeating a lot of the same feelings and thoughts. It really bothered me, as I don't want to turn into a person who is blathering on about the same exact thing all the time. However, each time I wrote about it, it was on my mind in a slightly different way. The point being, I had not come to terms with it or settled the uneasiness I felt or totally resolved the whole event in my mind. So today on the podcast, this woman was talking about having a conversation with these parts of herself. She used different names as it was a totally different situation, but the idea was sound. And it made total sense to me by the time I got home from my 6ish mile jaunt. So I had a talk with my girls....
My so called "bully" is the voice inside me who insisted that I was not hurt. That voice represents the part of me that until that day felt invincible, though the whole Lymes thing threw me for a major loop. The part didn't want to let anyone down, or show weakness or vulnerability. That part told me to listen to the people who said how lucky I was that I didn't have to have a cast, how much worse I could have been, secretly implied that I couldn't even properly break a bone. It was the voice that said I should go ahead and do all the things I needed to do, though I was in no way ready for it. What was this voice trying to do? Maybe trying to give me confidence to keep going when really I wanted to hide at home and never go out again. That aggressive part of me was PISSED that she couldn't relieve her anxiety and conflict through exercise, she knows how much better I do when I can leave my anger and frustrations on the gym floor or the road behind me. She didn't know how I would ever recover and feel good about myself when I had finally hit my stride and understood that while weight is not a way I will be judging myself, I need to have my strength, both physical and mental, to be my best. She knew I had to make a come back and is always there to make me get up and move. She is on me, and when I gave her a voice I felt different.
The Shy girl is the one that wanted to stop everything. Everyone thinks that she is not really part of me, but she is, no matter how outgoing I appear. That voice wants me to be so careful, to watch out for everything, to listen to all people- because obviously I can't be trusted to even walk on a road. She is the one who broke down when no one was looking, when others had to carry things for me, help me pour my coffee, remind me to be careful, be careful, don't over do it, be careful. She wanted to stop living that brave life that has been thrust on her in the last 3 or 4 years. She is afraid of heights, of closed spaces, of snakes, of people not liking me. She is so protective and she tries so hard to please everyone and do everything right. And she cries when no one is looking. She feels deeply, is really the brave girl who will go back out and do things even if she wants to stay home. It is so good to give time to the part of you who is constantly suppressed because being vulnerable is not valued in our world.
The Sun- I chose this manifestation for the last voice, as it is the one that observes- sees what is going on detached in some ways. I have seen from my writings how I've had these conflicts within myself, and didn't quite know what to do about it. The sun- hanging out and seeing it all unfold- just doesn't do much to alleviate any feelings that don't make sense and doesn't seem to favor one voice or the other. But it does try to balance my life. It will be the voice of reason if the Bully gets too aggressive or if the shy girl is ready to hibernate. The voice of the sun, oddly, does it's best work at night. Before I go to sleep I can usually hear the logic in the voice and by morning I tend to be somewhat settled. Sometimes not, but for the most part yes. That sunny part of me wants to be happy and balanced and content, and does a really good job of it, and it was really pleased to be finally acknowledged.
I have never thought about any of this in this way before, and while it isn't a perfect analogy, having these conversations was extremely helpful. I really feel like talking with these voices instead of suppressing them and trying to negate their effects did a lot to diffuse their power. It is like I feel reassured that I am making progress towards a goal of total self acceptance and really embracing the things in my life that make me happy. And one of the things that I had to do was get past my worry that I cannot trust myself to do the things I love. It isn't about weight, you guys. It never really was. It is about facing your issues, and feeling the feels that go with them, and then pushing on. It isn't easy and it really isn't pleasant, but looking hard at how you deal with the tough stuff actually is the best thing you can do for yourself. Eating has little to do with it. I began this transformation journey by looking at my weight and what I eat, I have now gone on to looking at what I am afraid of and starting to pinpoint where some of my most pervasive irrational thoughts have come from and it is quite surprising. Hard work, frequently sad work, but it feels good when you have made those changes in your life. And some AMAZING things happen that you never would have guessed in a million years 4 years ago. And that is the awesomeness of joy in your life, and letting it in when it comes to you, even if you don't recognize it right away.